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-> Parenting our children
honey36
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 Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:00 pm
I think the point that the "anti sleep trainers" keep missing is that it really is beneficial for the baby, not just the parents! And not just because mommy is more well rested, but because the babies themselves are well rested and they CRY LESS than the babies who are not sleep trained.
So on the one hand you have no sleep training: baby is crying every night for months at a time, while parents hold him and try to comfort him (probably all together adds up to hundreds of hours of crying )
baby and mom are exhausted,
baby doesn't develop as well because not getting good sleep...
On the other hand, with sleep training:
Baby cries for 3-4 nights (probably adds up to 10 hours max, usually less)
Baby and mom well rested
Baby develops better because getting good sleep
Seems obvious to me which one is better, but I'm no expert. Just my own observations...
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amother
Lightblue
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:49 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Ladies who have teenagers/marrieds: What’s your take on sleep training (cio or ferber)? If you did it, how are you children today?
The only person I know of who did it and has older kids is my mil. She has many kids and did the ferber method and almost all of her kids are married, raising frum families bli ayin hara. None of her kids have underlying mental health issues (one has under control adhd). I want to hear from ladies on here please. Thank you! |
Haven't read the thread.
We sleep trained our 1st and only partly our 2nd. After that we didn't want the babies waking siblings so we bedshared and did what I call "lazy parenting" but it looks a lot like attachment parenting lol. The results are night and day different!!! The younger kids' emotional regulation / self regulation skills are so much better than their older siblings' and they are more self-confident and secure also. We really didn't change that much else in our parenting other than this, honestly, except that as time went on we had less one-on-one time with each kid (obviously). Like we played hours with the older ones and so much less with the younger ones. Older ones had books 3x a day, younger ones a bedtime story a couple times a week (I try hard but it's hard doing bedtime on my own).
If I could redo/ undo one thing in my parenting it'd be to tell my younger self not to sleep train but to bedshare when they need it, for as long as they need it. Then again MIL says she told me multiple times when my 1st was a baby and I didn't listen. I literally see the effects, eldest has the least self- and emotional-regulation skills, 2nd has some issues but is better off in this area, 3rd and 4th are worlds better than both older siblings. I don't feel bad about my lazy parenting anymore. 
I recognize that most people aren't going to see the spectacular night-and-day differences that we saw. I think that's because daycare can cause a lot of the same behaviors as sleep training can cause. So when they both happen together it's hard to isolate one from the other and eliminating just one won't necessarily change the behavior though for sure it will have a positive effect. We never sent to daycare so there were fewer variables and the effects were more clear.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:54 pm
| amother Lightblue wrote: | Haven't read the thread.
We sleep trained our 1st and only partly our 2nd. After that we didn't want the babies waking siblings so we bedshared and did what I call "lazy parenting" but it looks a lot like attachment parenting lol. The results are night and day different!!! The younger kids' emotional regulation / self regulation skills are so much better than their older siblings' and they are more self-confident and secure also. We really didn't change that much else in our parenting other than this, honestly, except that as time went on we had less one-on-one time with each kid (obviously). Like we played hours with the older ones and so much less with the younger ones. Older ones had books 3x a day, younger ones a bedtime story a couple times a week (I try hard but it's hard doing bedtime on my own).
If I could redo/ undo one thing in my parenting it'd be to tell my younger self not to sleep train but to bedshare when they need it, for as long as they need it. Then again MIL says she told me multiple times when my 1st was a baby and I didn't listen. I literally see the effects, eldest has the least self- and emotional-regulation skills, 2nd has some issues but is better off in this area, 3rd and 4th are worlds better than both older siblings. I don't feel bad about my lazy parenting anymore.
I recognize that most people aren't going to see the spectacular night-and-day differences that we saw. I think that's because daycare can cause a lot of the same behaviors as sleep training can cause. So when they both happen together it's hard to isolate one from the other and eliminating just one won't necessarily change the behavior though for sure it will have a positive effect. We never sent to daycare so there were fewer variables and the effects were more clear. |
Thank you, extremely informative.
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amother
Calendula
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 2:29 pm
| amother Lightblue wrote: | Haven't read the thread.
We sleep trained our 1st and only partly our 2nd. After that we didn't want the babies waking siblings so we bedshared and did what I call "lazy parenting" but it looks a lot like attachment parenting lol. The results are night and day different!!! The younger kids' emotional regulation / self regulation skills are so much better than their older siblings' and they are more self-confident and secure also. We really didn't change that much else in our parenting other than this, honestly, except that as time went on we had less one-on-one time with each kid (obviously). Like we played hours with the older ones and so much less with the younger ones. Older ones had books 3x a day, younger ones a bedtime story a couple times a week (I try hard but it's hard doing bedtime on my own).
If I could redo/ undo one thing in my parenting it'd be to tell my younger self not to sleep train but to bedshare when they need it, for as long as they need it. Then again MIL says she told me multiple times when my 1st was a baby and I didn't listen. I literally see the effects, eldest has the least self- and emotional-regulation skills, 2nd has some issues but is better off in this area, 3rd and 4th are worlds better than both older siblings. I don't feel bad about my lazy parenting anymore.
I recognize that most people aren't going to see the spectacular night-and-day differences that we saw. I think that's because daycare can cause a lot of the same behaviors as sleep training can cause. So when they both happen together it's hard to isolate one from the other and eliminating just one won't necessarily change the behavior though for sure it will have a positive effect. We never sent to daycare so there were fewer variables and the effects were more clear. |
It could also be the underlying reason you decided to sleeptrain vs not. If you sleep trained because you worked longer hours and you needed your sleep or something then the actual cause was your mental stress and dysregulation rather than the training.
I don't believe in training but I just thought it important to point out.
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amother
Calendula
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 2:30 pm
| honey36 wrote: | I think the point that the "anti sleep trainers" keep missing is that it really is beneficial for the baby, not just the parents! And not just because mommy is more well rested, but because the babies themselves are well rested and they CRY LESS than the babies who are not sleep trained.
So on the one hand you have no sleep training: baby is crying every night for months at a time, while parents hold him and try to comfort him (probably all together adds up to hundreds of hours of crying )
baby and mom are exhausted,
baby doesn't develop as well because not getting good sleep...
On the other hand, with sleep training:
Baby cries for 3-4 nights (probably adds up to 10 hours max, usually less)
Baby and mom well rested
Baby develops better because getting good sleep
Seems obvious to me which one is better, but I'm no expert. Just my own observations... |
In the first scenario baby might not be crying at all. Baby might just prefer to sleep with parent and sleep nicely.
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amother
Eggplant
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 2:48 pm
| amother Lightblue wrote: | Haven't read the thread.
We sleep trained our 1st and only partly our 2nd. After that we didn't want the babies waking siblings so we bedshared and did what I call "lazy parenting" but it looks a lot like attachment parenting lol. The results are night and day different!!! The younger kids' emotional regulation / self regulation skills are so much better than their older siblings' and they are more self-confident and secure also. We really didn't change that much else in our parenting other than this, honestly, except that as time went on we had less one-on-one time with each kid (obviously). Like we played hours with the older ones and so much less with the younger ones. Older ones had books 3x a day, younger ones a bedtime story a couple times a week (I try hard but it's hard doing bedtime on my own).
If I could redo/ undo one thing in my parenting it'd be to tell my younger self not to sleep train but to bedshare when they need it, for as long as they need it. Then again MIL says she told me multiple times when my 1st was a baby and I didn't listen. I literally see the effects, eldest has the least self- and emotional-regulation skills, 2nd has some issues but is better off in this area, 3rd and 4th are worlds better than both older siblings. I don't feel bad about my lazy parenting anymore.
I recognize that most people aren't going to see the spectacular night-and-day differences that we saw. I think that's because daycare can cause a lot of the same behaviors as sleep training can cause. So when they both happen together it's hard to isolate one from the other and eliminating just one won't necessarily change the behavior though for sure it will have a positive effect. We never sent to daycare so there were fewer variables and the effects were more clear. |
Then on the flip side, there is a lot to say about birth order and personality. Oldests definitely have specific personality traits that are also affected by the fact that they were born first (CIO or not).
Just adding, I don’t even do CIO, I do gentle training with 3-5 min of crying followed by adult coming in to soothe. But I just finding this conversation illogical and it’s bothering me from that stand point! One person bringing an example doesn’t prove any points…
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amother
Mint
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Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:10 pm
| honey36 wrote: | I think the point that the "anti sleep trainers" keep missing is that it really is beneficial for the baby, not just the parents! And not just because mommy is more well rested, but because the babies themselves are well rested and they CRY LESS than the babies who are not sleep trained.
So on the one hand you have no sleep training: baby is crying every night for months at a time, while parents hold him and try to comfort him (probably all together adds up to hundreds of hours of crying )
baby and mom are exhausted,
baby doesn't develop as well because not getting good sleep...
On the other hand, with sleep training:
Baby cries for 3-4 nights (probably adds up to 10 hours max, usually less)
Baby and mom well rested
Baby develops better because getting good sleep
Seems obvious to me which one is better, but I'm no expert. Just my own observations... |
Why is everything about extremes?
I'm still nursing my 14 month old at night.
And no he's not getting less sleep because of it. He wakes up, nurses for 5 minutes and goes back to sleep. As he's been doing since day 1.
I'm NOT advocating that everyone should be doing this, at this age they shouldn't need it anymore. But, don't say he's getting less sleep and crying more because of it.
Practicially speaking, most people are doing CIO because they don't want baby to wake up for nursing/bottle, not because baby is crying for hours on end.
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