"You have a lot more money than I do!"

WitchKitty

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 4:56 am

I like what you answered him.
I don't agree with the posters who say you should start being open about your financial situation with him. As a teen, I wanted to feel secure that my parents had enough money, and I would probably been anxious if I would have thought they might not have enough money for what I wanted.
My parents had a clear-cut rule: we have money for everything you need.
You need food, notebooks, pens. You might need a new briefcase, we'll check it out and decide. You do not need a new camera. If you would like a new camera, you can either use your own money, or we can sit down and decide how to help you get it- maybe you can deserve it after a big project of some sort where you helped at home/elsewhere. Maybe we can start a chart for helping at home/homework/whatever, and that will be the prize. Maybe we can help you find work to get the money for it.
A new comforter would have to be put into one of those three categories- need, and therefore there is no question, it will be bought; might need- and then everything is taken into account, including how many similar 'might needs' were just bought, how badly he feels he needs it, and of course why. From what you are describing, this time it belongs in the 3rd category- don't need but wants. And yes, he's being a teen by complaining, and that's fine Smile

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 5:16 am

WitchKitty wrote:

I kind of agree and disagree.
I don't think it's traumatizing to tell a teen that we have them money for bills and food and basics but that *we are tight*
Teens are big enough to understand inflation.
IMHO nobody is doing your teen a favor by so concealing reality.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 6:37 am

amother Coffee wrote:

It's not their concern. Let them be kids, they'll be doing all they when they're older iyh. Why now? My parents never spoke to us about money.

Because they are going to do it until 120 it's definitely good to teach life skills early. Its so much more difficult to learn those skills later in life.
I don't mean that very young kids should be responsivle for budgeting. A teen absolutely should not be shielded from reality.

keym

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 7:32 am

WitchKitty wrote:

My parents had the same hashkafa.
They didn't talk about finances. Their line was "we have for our needs. And for wants, we decide if it's important enough and then we'll have money for that".
The problem was that there was no money for braces. Or a math tutor.
And a general hashkafa of if it's a need, we have for it, made me feel like I was wasn't important enough. My crooked smile, my failing subjects.

Those types of things took a massive toll on my self esteem.
I wish my parents would have been more open about finances.
It's not so simple wants and needs. There's a world in between of things (braces, therapies, tutors, and depending on the culture various social school events) that aren't basic needs like bread and electricity. Yet they're not wants.

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 7:52 am

I'm reading all these responses, and I'm still not sure what to do.

He's not an anxious kid in general. I have one of those (a slightly younger teen), and I definitely would not share things with him. But this kid is almost the opposite of anxious.

For the record, my other kids do not do this and never have. Seems to be more this kid's personality. One of them is very into looking neat and put together, but will do that with his hand-me-downs or whatever. The others don't really care at all, would go to school in torn clothes or whatever and not notice or care at all (if I'd let them).

And yes, that's the way we present things to him. We're happy to pay for what he needs, but if it's not a need, he's welcome to get it himself if he'd like. He HATES that.

Also, just to put it out there...My husband is in chinuch. I work part-time and for various reasons can't work more than that at this point (although I hope to in the future). We B"H have a growing family. Part of me wants my kids to know that this really isn't workable long-term so that they have realistic expecations for the future.

But everyone always says not to share finances with your kids. Unless a kid is really anxious, I'm thinking that maybe it's better for them to know things are tight than to think that you're being cheap on their chesbon...

Reality

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:00 am

I don't see anything wrong with telling your son (if it's true) we would love to buy you a new set of linen but it's a little bit expensive for us now. Then give him options: he can split the cost with you, you can tell him you are setting aside a certain amount of money every week towards the cost or any other idea that works for your family.

He clearly doesn't want to spend his own money which I find interesting. Is it because he thinks you really can afford and just don't want to? I think it's better he should know you guys are going through a little rough patch then him thinking you don't want to spend on him.

On the other hand, sometimes it's also a sign it's not so important to a teen when they won't spend their own money on it, only Mommy and Daddy's. So then his asking for all this "stuff" can have many other underlying meanings that no stranger can know.

keym

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:22 am

Reality wrote:

I really like that idea of telling your kid that it's too much now, but we'll put aside $20 a week until we've gotten the total amount. And he's welcome to put his own money to speed up the process It at least shows a willingness to be flexible and work with the child.

Your last paragraph. It really depends on how easy or hard it is for the child to earn, what other big ticket items they might want to buy to be "socially acceptable" and how hard they have to work.
If my daughter is saving for seminary, saving to cover 50% of camp this summer and also expected to cover outfits #2 and #3 for Pesach (3 day Yom Tov this year) AND cover school Shabbos, it may be too much and overwhelming to cover a new linen set, as in their babysitting money won't be able to cover all of that.
I know that we say that this is how teenagers make financial decisions, but there does need to be a realistic ability.

amother

Geranium

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:22 am

Didn’t read through everything, but teens these days just want want want. My teenage daughter has plenty of nice Shabbos clothes, but is always asking for “an amazing new skirt,” or dress or pair of shoes . Because our finances aren’t great right now, I buy for the kids what they want more than 50% of the time (within reason of what I can afford ) . But I don’t buy anything for me, and truthfully it’s depressing. I wear the same clothes all the time, and it doesn’t feel good. So I’d rather my kids feel good and have mostly what they ask for. Bh my kids are grateful when I do buy them stuff , and I just don’t want them to not have The good feeling that I have with my same old all the time.

WitchKitty

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:37 am

keym wrote:

I think the definition of needs is important. We're not talking Maslow's here. It's individual.
Braces were a need. Tutors were a need. I got both, it wasn't even a question.
I think a good lesson for life is what my mom likes to say: Sometimes you need wants.

keym

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:57 am

WitchKitty wrote:

There wasn't money for the cosmetic braces. Or the tutor. Or the pt.
But my parents followed the philosophy of saying that there's money for our needs.
That led me to believe that MY braces weren't a need. MY tutor wasn't a need. It made me wonder if I mattered.

imaima

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:11 am

amother OP wrote:

So money is tight right now. B"H we have what we need, but with inflation the way that it is, we're dipping into savings in a way that really isn't doable long-term. We're working on increasing our hours, earning more money in different ways, but not in a way that's affected the kids at this point.

My oldest is a teenager. We are pretty frugal as a rule, and always have been, with ourselves and with the kids. We've bought my oldest things in the past, though, a couple of times because it was really true that "everyone else" had them and we didn't want him to be the odd one out. Usually we don't, though. Our other kids don't really need this, and he always has needed it more than them, but we've tried to find a balance.

He's now going through a phase where he's constantly asking for us to buy him things. If we say yes ("I need the next size undershirts"), he gets all upset if we don't drop everything and get them for him right away. Saying "I'll order some tonight after the younger kids go to sleep" doesn't help. And if we say that we understand he wants something and he's welcome to buy it with his own money, he gets really upset at us.

We have a million sets of sheets and blankets, many of which are hand-me-downs from a relative who was downsizing. Tonight he decided he needs a better set of sheets. All of our options are ugly. He also needs another comforter -- all of ours are too heavy, he wants a lighter one. I told him that I heard him, and that we're happy with the variety of sheets and blankets that we have, but he's welcome to buy himself the kind that he likes if he wants to.

His response was "You have a LOT more money than I do! Why should I spend my money on stuff like this?"

He has a bunch of money from his bar mitzvah, birthdays, and lemonade sales and things that he made when he was younger. He is also planning on working this summer. He spends virtually nothing, ever.

I responded that "Yes, we have a lot more money, and we also have a lot more expenses than you do, B"H."

But he thinks we're just hoarding our money and refusing to spend it on him. Honestly, if we did have all the money in the world, I don't think I'd spend it on spoiling him. BUt the truth is that we don't, and it's tight right now. I'm not supposed to tell him that, right? Am I?

And I'm assuming this is a normal teenage response? I should just ignore it and smile, right?

I am with you!

Reality

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:22 am

keym wrote:

Most people consider braces a need and parents who can't afford usually try to find low cost or a free tutor for kids who need it. I'm so sorry that your needs weren’t met!