Kids and simchas | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:57 am

My family is starting to make simchas. And I'm wondering what people like myself do...I have 7 kids and none of them are eligible to babysit...shabbos sheva brochos? Bavarfin? Most are out of town, to pack up 7 kids and find 7 friends/neighbors is to much of a hassle for me, is this the only solution?

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:12 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

We take along the 2 oldest and divide the rest of the kids. Yes, it's a hassle, but bh for simchas. I end up really enjoying myself over shabbos, it's a mini vacation for me.

Thank you! Not always are kids invited😒...simcha I'm talking about kids aren't invited, I called her yesterday to say I dont have sitters so I won't be attending, she didn't offer that I can bring any...dont have that many neighbors or friends, were talking 5 weddings in a month (so 5 shabbosim simchas) and 2 sheva brochos in one shabbos, one my side one my hub

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:14 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s really hard.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:18 am

I think of it as a perk.

I get to socialize without distraction.

If I can't find a sitter for an evening simcha, I will let them know in advance that I won't be attending. I usually get my neighbours for a small fee so I am lucky.

Some bal simchos don't mind babies so I would bring. (I know specific ones that couldn't care less...).

I wouldn't leave my children for shabbos. I either bring them with if the bal simcha will allow or I won't go.

Shabbos family belong together.

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:21 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't have those simchas yet but I struggle when my IL make weddings. They get highly insulted if I say I can't come to sil chosson bavarfin and this time I have a nursing baby. There is no eruv. Fine baby will be old enough to manage without me but I need sitters in a place where I know no one. And say my 4 year old will come along but how will they walk home at night after a long meal?

Honestly, if it's a season with 5 I'd also skip some. There's just so many times you can ask the same people to take your kids. I wish theyd just abolish invites to bavarfins. It's not a suedas mitzvah even.

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:21 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Of course you get to socialize without distraction, it's beautiful and I feel so refreshed after...but with that many simchas coming up, I can't see myself attending

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:34 am

amother Bluebell wrote:

Skip some?whats the solution to the other half lol

I get it...looks like I'll skip all five of them, as I dont see anyone offering practical solutions

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:34 am

amother Bluebell wrote:

Honestly, if it's a season with 5 I'd also skip some. There's just so many times you can ask the same people to take your kids. I wish theyd just abolish invites to bavarfins. It's not a suedas mitzvah even.

What is a bavarfin?

amother

Bluebell

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:42 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

What is a bavarfin?

Aufruf. What do you call it?
We are chasidish. Wonder what op is. She used that too, lol.
Varf means to throw. As in the candy or pekel at the chosson at his aliyah.

To op, your siblings and or parents watch your kids at dh simchas. And his at yours. Along with that you gotta recruit friends, neighbors and kids friends.

Yes, you'll be spending all Friday and Motzei shabbos doing all the dropsoffs/pickups

amother

Coffee

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:46 am

amother Bluebell wrote:

And if you don't have siblings and parents to watch the kids?

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:53 am

OP, if you can't find babysitters or don't want to leave your children, don't feel bad not attending.

You are a mama trying her best. Your children come first.

Many people do have relatives and friends that can come to the rescue for important simchos but if you don't, just politely let them know that you won't be joining and perhaps you can send in something instead to show your joyous feelings towards the simcha.

Surrendered

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:02 am

We did a huge mistake in the past. I had asked here what to do about a sibling making shabbos Sheva brochos, when the kids are not invited and I don't have where to place them for the meals. People responded that it's important to attend the Simcha of close family, regardless of the job to figure out accommodations for the children, but it was excruciatingly hard.
Searching for a place to stay was a journey...
I cooked the meals, shlepped it along and had my kids eat on their own at my mother's empty house. No one appreciated it. My kids and my parents were resentful.

Now my sister is marrying off again, and wants us to come for Shabbos Sheva brochos (just the parents) I told my sister, if the kids aren't invited, we won't come. She still didn't invite them. Is not...

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:08 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

Thanks. That is a good idea!

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:11 am

Aufruf. Not chassidish so not familiar with the term.

amother Bluebell wrote:

Aufruf. What do you call it?

We are chasidish. Wonder what op is. She used that too, lol.
Varf means to throw. As in the candy or pekel at the chosson at his aliyah.

To op, your siblings and or parents watch your kids at dh simchas. And his at yours. Along with that you gotta recruit friends, neighbors and kids friends.

Yes, you'll be spending all Friday and Motzei shabbos doing all the dropsoffs/pickups

flowerpower

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:13 am

I had many many many simchas kah since I got married and always managed somehow. My siblings, dh siblings, and neighbors/friends chipped in. I spent a lottttttttttt of money on babysitters as well. I am against little kids joining simchas( weddings is fine of course) and don’t invite little kids to my simchas either.

amother

Acacia

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:42 am

I wouldn't leave my family over Shabbos with friends ONLY with very close family. I have few littles and my mother will graciously have my kids when DH side marries off. However when my mother makes simchas my MIL will never offer to help with the kids ( and she lives an hour away so doesnt always help anyhow.
When my mom married off a son she had one of her mechutunim say that shes not inviting the married siblings kids. ( mine and my siblings kids). We were furious!! I told my mom if I'm not invited than were not coming ( which is a huge thing not attending a siblings shabbes sheva bruchos). My mom than called her mechutenista and informed her nicely that ALL her Einiklich are coming and if she has a problem she'll pay for the food ( Which the kids don't even touch).

Sometimes people forget what it means to have 5 little kids under 8 and pregnant or post partum and to swing siblings simchas. At this stage in life I would totally skip if I have a choice as its such a hassle for us. It's not enjoyable to divide and send away 5 kids nor schlepping them is fun. But, skipping your sisters daughters Shabbes sheva bruchos is diff then skipping your brothers.

I'm not resentful at my stage in life, I cherish every minute. I think its beautiful. I'm very happy staying home and not attending simchas. But, I'm resentful that ppl have expectations of us and don't accomodate.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 12:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is really difficult. 5 in one month? Kh kh kh. I would not be able to make it to all of them. What I sometimes do, is either I go by myself or DH goes by himself. My parents did the same.