Why does my daughter trigger me?

amother

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 1:31 am

I am struggling a lot so please don't make me feel worse. I'm posting because I want to improve, I know how awful this is.

My dd is 11 and I have a lot of negativity toward her. I am trying to figure out why. She is the most similar to me and reminds me a lot of myself. I find her annoying and needy. I don't want to spend time with her or do things for her as much as my other kids. I'm trying to understand why. I didn't realize this until she pointed out to me recently that my son is my special child and if he asked, I would do anything for him. It made me reflect on why his requests I do happily and when she asks for the same thing I'm annoyed. Part of me feels like because she is so smart and mature she should be able to wait for me or give in to younger siblings.

I feel so awful that she feels this way and want to repair my relationship with her. How can I evoke positive feelings for her instead of annoyance? Why do I feel this way?

amother

Denim

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 1:44 am

11 is not an easy age. Girls are home more than boys. They kvetch and talk more and can be annoying. Theyre also not as cute as 4 year olds, but not quite mature enough to enjoy.

If she mentioned it, it is really affecting her! Try doing it just for her, not because you enjoy her, but bc she is your child. The effort you put in now will affect how your relationship will be later on. I found to enjoy my daughter only after she settled around age 15. She once made me a bday gift, an album with pics of us and wrote on each how much she enjoyed our time we did stuff, and when she got loving good night kisses.

Do it for her. Do it for yourself. Its really pays. She will grow up very soon.

I am doing it now for my younger girls.

amother

Winterberry

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 2:56 am

I have boys first, and I find it so much harder to have a relationship with them!
they can be rude, loud, gross, negative, annoying etc....
I work on loving them and being loving towards them...not always easy!
so maybe it's just the age?
adolescents/teenagers are annoying!!
(I don't find myself struggling as much with my younger kids....they are easier to automatically love, enjoy and be patient with...)

amother

Jasmine

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 3:32 am

(Trainee therapist here)

You're not awful. You're a good mother who's aware that there's something to repair! You're concerned and you care about your daughter as well as your other children. Is it possible that because she's your daughter and most like you, you might be responding to her similarly to your own experiences?

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 3:53 am

Hi op

Just wanted to chime in and say I have a 10 year old daughter and I feel the same way.

I have an 8 yr old son with behavioural difficulties and yes, he does get more and I expect a lot of her because shes older and should understand more.

But its so draining and so much of our conversations end up turning into arguments.
I turn a blind eye to so many things as in, I lit just look the other way, so she wont be defying me all the time.

I find her draining and needy and Im emvaressed to admit I have these feelings.
She says things like I hate her, And I like my other child better and I never do certain things for her.

I feel like Im just waiting for her to grow up and mature and be more independant.

But there are also qualities and middos she has that Really gets me annoyed.
Its like I wish I can change her personality and then Il like her more.

Gosh that sounds such an awful thing to say

Pooh

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:11 am

Mordechai Weinberger writes about this in his book alive. The people that trigger us the most are the ones that exhibit a quality you recognize in yourself but are trying so hard to control. Let’s say u have a lazy son. You’re lazy yourself but you don’t let yourself be because you’re aware of the consequences of being late for work and kids bus stops. The fact that he gets away with having something you’re trying so hard to change in yourself triggers you, according to him.

oneofakind

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:18 am

The expectation that she SHOULD be this or SHOULDN'T need that makes you annoyed and distant yourself from her because she actually does need attention and you aren't providing it
Everyone has needs, including you, and denying them doesn't make them go away.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:51 am

No words of encouragement but I do understand... imagine though that this was how you felt about your stepdaughter who so badly wants you to be her mom but her rude, obnoxious, defiant behavior makes it so so hard even though you can understand her behavior stems from having a mother with a personality disorder... being a step mother is the hardest, thankless, most underrated job...

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 11:02 am

No real advice but letting you know you aren’t alone. Thanks for posting this. I feel validated that I’m not the horrible mother I feel like I am and it sounds like this maybe just an age / growing pains issue. Also as one poster said above about the child bringing out a trait we’re trying to work on in ourselves - that really hits home. Good luck OP and please update if you try anything that works for you

behappy2

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 11:21 am

Here are some ideas:

Try writing down every day 1 thing positive about her and reading every day from the begining

There are lots of variations to this and you can play with it

Reb Tukitchinsky has something very popular about saying out loud all the negative in reverse and trusting. I bet someone else can explain it better.

Working on loving these parts of yourself that are in her

Spending special time every day that is stress free with her

Giving her a special privilege

Working on actively not playing favorites

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:35 pm

amother Denim wrote:

I dont think you should generalize.
My girls were adorable at eleven.
They talk more and it is a big bonus because you could actually enjoy their inner world.
There is something to enjoy at any age.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 4:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

your such a good mother trying to rectify this.
my mom did not like me
she loved all my other siblings.
when she had grandkids, I noticed that she disliked gentle, kind behavior
the loud, aggressive, manipulative grandkids are her speed.
Today, I am the one who calms her when she is anxious and solves problems for her. I am quiet and introspective and can feel someones needs and pain very accurately. and I know how to make her growing older gracious and sweet.

#BestBubby

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 6:40 pm

It could be you are so drained by your special needs son,

that you don't have energy for her needs/wants

and feel since she is typical, she should be more independent.

Don't want to make you feel bad, but if you don't want your DD to resent
her special needs brother, you need to make time for DD as well.

Is it possible to get more help for SN child, and can spend more 1:1 with DD?