To add another child to the chaos??

amother

Oak

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:47 pm

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Our 4 kids kah from ages 10.5-3 are all high strung and not one is easy going. There’s often fights, protests, and wild behavior. I’ve come a long way and my tolerance for handling the chaos has increased. My husband however has a very difficult time when the kids act out. And his reaction is always “we’re not ready for more”. My youngest is 3.5 already and it’s going to be the biggest gap we’ve had-even if I were to get pregnant now. I feel like I’m often the one shouldering the stress of taking care of the kids (which I do myself mornings and most nights). What’s the right approach? Wait longer in the hopes that things will calm down or jump in knowing that I’ll be responsible for handling the growing chaos?

a really practical angle (which may not be so doable) is just the living conditions? like do they have enough space, place to play and run around etc? like how much is nature and how much is circumstantial. not judging, I have rowdy little ones and we are moving to a bigger rental and hoping that will be a piece in the behavioral aspect

my point is that it may be a really logistical thing. which obvoiusly takes money. but it's not like a forever problem, just an environment problem

amother

Almond

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

To the one who wrote about why don’t we just stop at 5 and do ourselves a favor- can you expand on that? Why do you wish you would’ve done that? What are the pros of that?

Isn’t it obvious that if your kids are high needs focusing on them would be the best thing instead of bringing a new baby into the family and being less available for at least 2 years?

Why are your kids begging for another baby?

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:58 pm

Op, this was me. Kids with anxiety, adhd, just general high-needs. I had my 5th when the youngest was almost 5, and that baby has transformed my older children in the most amazing, therapeutic way... They older ones became gentler, kinder, the baby brought out a nurturing and "family pride" side to them that was not there before. So much did I feel like the baby brought tremendous bracha to our home, that I'm pregnant again! (Will IYH have 2 babies 21 months apart. And the older kids couldn't be more excited)

This response is what keeps me wanting another. Thank you so much. Super encouraging. And to respond yes bH we have more than enough space. One child has diagnosed behavioral issues that we address with therapy etc etc. and what can I say Hashem just wanted me to have high strung kids. Certain things I’m sure we’ll grow out of like our intense 3 year old tantrums. But even the older ones are more intense.

amother

Pink

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 5:12 am

I have difficult children as well and have not had an easy time raising my children (still in progress lol). but one that was extremely difficult at a younger age is the most wonderful young adult right now. One that went through a major crisis is ok now. so things pass and dynamics change.
I so badly want more but I don't know if I will have as I'm in my low 40s already. so definitely take advantage while you still can. but best to get your husband on board if possible.

amother

Copper

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 5:42 am

I wish I had been able to have more. My dh felt overwhelmed so we didn’t, but yes most of the parenting was on me, so I should have pushed more when I wanted more babies. Now our kids are teens and young adults and almost all of them have matured very nicely (one teenage boy is going through a rough patch but everyone else is bH doing well).

Side note: you can work on your parenting skills and improve the environment at home. I did. You don’t have to live in chaos while your kids are young, even with challenging kids like mine (adhd, anxiety, learning challenges, problems with impulse control).

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:03 am

amother OP wrote:

This was us last year, though we did have one single easygoing child.

Hashem made our decision for us and things went from insane crazy but holding on by a thread to everything falling apart, and our one easygoing child is starting to act up as well.

My advice - wait for things to calm down. DH didn't want another one, I did but in a year or two from now. Instead I am holding a two-month old fifth who came at least one year, if not two, too early. I don't know why Hashem thought this was a good idea. And if Hashem isn't forcing it on you right now I'd highly suggest trying to get yourselves in a better place before bringing another child into the chaos. It's not fair to your existing children (mine love the baby but it's still not fair to them), it's not fair to the baby (poor baby), and it's not fair to you or your DH who are going to be in over your heads (trust me).

Big hugs in the meantime, it's really hard being in that place where you want a baby but your DH doesn't, and your existing kids are just so so so difficult.

amother

Navy

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:12 am

A different perspective.

We have 6 kids, 4 have a diagnosis. Big spaces between them for other reasons than chaos. Now, they're all out of HS. None of the 4 is married, none are working. DH and I have to figure out long term care and support, most of our friends are retiring, but there's no way we can consider it until we get them into some kind of situation.

I love them all to pieces, but am very grateful we didn't have any more to deal with these long term care issues.

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:30 am

New creation
New life
New Love
New bracha
New Happiness
New milestones
And more

All the above reasons will bring harmony and calm to your other kids. I shoulder all childcare in my house from birth. When you have older kids they will feel part of caring for new being. They will be your help when they are home/ available. Responsibility will help regulate them. If they have caring and loving nature then this new being is what they craving. Speaking from experience. Kids need younger kids to grow. The only hard part is 9 months of waiting.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:48 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

I respectfully disagree with "Kids need younger kids to grow"
I see the benefits of having siblings. What about those who are a single child with no siblings?
They surely grow too.
We have all heard about men who have multiple siblings and their wives complain they aren't grown up yet.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:58 am

amother Navy wrote:

Your situation sounds worrisome. I would be very concerned.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:21 am

amother Lightpink wrote:

Discuss with a rov
BC has to be given a heter

How is your reply any way related to OP's question? If she is now not having kids, she is probably already on bc. And she either asked or did not, according to how she learned. But why bring this up? Its not part of the OP's question at all.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:28 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Well this doesnot make any sense. First of all, one child, no matter what, will be the youngest. And they will grow up as well. And what about only children? Do they not grow up as well? Maybe differently, but they do as well.
And your reasons are a bit flowery and not really all that practical. And no always do those above things happen when a new sibling comes in to the mix. Its ideal, yes, but does not always happen at all. It is not a given at all.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 3:04 pm

amother Oak wrote:

Having a new baby, is a little like getting
A puppy, lehavdil.

Can be a lot of fun for older kids, especially if they
Are asking for a new baby.