So upset about splitting the restaurant bill

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 1:59 pm

If you are invited out, then they should pay it all. If they say join us, then you pay for what you order. If its tough times - explain it up front - 'Ill go out to eat but only for cheaper end restaurant.' If you are going out to eat you have to be prepared to pay. Its always best to have clear & open communication, rather than misunderstandings & left feeling broigus. I thought we would treat out of town family when we went out - meanwhile they had already paid for the table - and we ended up both paying - only realized later. We did get refund in the end, but always need to discuss $ however uncomfortable it is.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 3:40 pm

The only time splitting the bill makes sense is if you run whatever you’re getting with the other person.
Hey, should we get pizza and salad? What about that dessert, should we get that too?
When you order together and agree to whatever you get then the bill gets split if not, it’s just not fair.

LovesHashem

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 4:04 pm

Mollie wrote:

I’ll be the dissenting voice. Once you are invited out, it’s perfectly within social norms to split the check. I think it’s tacky to take out a calculator and divide to see who had what. If you can’t afford it, you should have made an excuse and declined the invitation.

Maybe this is different based on where you live. I don't know any Israelis that just split the bill. Either we all pay our way, or someone is treating us.

The only times I've split is when I've eaten out and we order a few dishes to split between the group/the friend I'm going out with.

amother

Heather

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 4:19 pm

Bottom line is that anyone who goes out for dinner with other people and orders expensive items, appetizers. desserts and wine/cocktails while the other people are drinking water and less expensive entrees is a shnorrer - plain and simple. And taking advantage of the fact that people can be intimidated.

Picking up the tab - splitting the tab - paying for only one's share of what is eaten. I have been in all these situations.

At least in the USA, when people go out to eat together, the default is that the bill is split. If there isn't a tremendous disparity in terms of the cost, then it is split evenly. If there is an extreme difference such as this one, it should be split according to the cost of what was ordered - not hard to do - add up the cost - then add tax and tip. In NY or other high tax areas, I add 25% at least and it's done.

I have never heard of an assumption that someone inviting you out to eat automatically picks up the tab completely. I mean someone generally always extends an invitation to eat. Exception would be the first date as it is assumed the male pays. But otherwise, it would be stated up front - I.e. I want to take you out for lunch or dinner - my treat. Otherwise it is assumed that it is Dutch Treat.

With people I eat out with frequently, we often just pick up the tab alternating as over the course of time it works out.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 5:00 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I don't think you read amother Fuchsias post correctly.
She wrote:
Let one person pay the bill and let the others know what they need to pay.
Here is an example -
I recently went out for a friend's birthday.
There were lots of people, different budgets, etc.
What we did was, we each paid for our own food + split the birthday girls food.
When it came time to pay, instead of making a while to-do about who owes what, one person provided their card and paid.
We each let her know what we ordered, she went home, made the calculation, and told us all how much we should Zelle her.

I hear what fuchsia is saying, in the moment, it is classy for one person to lay out the money, and make all the calculations at a later point. That is not called splitting the bill.

The problem is, I know too many people who wouldn't pay up. So classy isn't always the way to go 😆😆

Again who is it classy to?

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:01 pm

While I like splitting the bill, I ONLY suggest it if it was equal, or I may have ordered less. but if I'd go out with someone and notice they're not eating anything besides what they ordered I'd assume they dont want to split.

I also hate going out with people and being on pins and needles, and worrying if I can eat or not. will they want to split, or not. what's the point, you cant even enjoy the meal or the conversation while you're managing expectations by passive hints.

amother

Heather

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:16 pm

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Are you afraid to order what you want because the other person will think you are a shnorrer 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I take the lead when the meal is finished. If people have ordered disparately, I will add up what I owe and then say this is what I owe. If everyone ordered equally, then I ask if people are okay with just splitting. If I ordered more than others, I always pay what I owe unless these are people I dine out with all the time and so things even out over time.

Generally if you eat with other people more frequently, you know what the standard is

mikayla18

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:17 pm

I'm so sorry op, that's so frustrating! I would be so upset if this happened but I'd probably make my husband say something (if it was someone from his side, I probably wouldn't be as upset if it was someone from my side Wink

We were invited out once by a relative and their chosson. We asked if they wanted to do pizza or more fancy meat type, he told us he doesn't care (they're both professionals and they're in their 40s) so I figured if he said it doesn't matter, then we could go for more expensive meat type-the bill comes and he hands it to my HUSBAND. We just laughed (to ourselves) and paid the bill but we also think he's socially off lol

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Heather wrote:

No. typically when I go out with one person, we buy a few dishes and share, unless we ordered something the other doesnt like, very conducive to splitting. No. I dont worry that someone will think I'm a shnorrer. I always order what I want. I'm worried that they're worried about if we're splitting or not before we eat. I dont get what we cant decide after. If one ate alot more than the other we dont split. if it was even we split.

sequoia

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 6:24 pm

mikayla18 wrote:

They invited you and then forced you to pay for them?

WHY?

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 8:11 pm

I don’t understand this whole thread. Whenever we go out to eat with a group we always quickly discuss this beforehand. Are we splitting or is everyone paying for their own food. The whole conversation takes less than thirty seconds and then we let the waiter know what we decided. The end. Sometimes the table splits but one person decides to order for themselves, but it’s also discussed before we order.
No biggie.
Another situation where communication can solve the problem.

amother

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:01 pm

Mollie wrote:

She never answered this question. I agree if it was just 2 couples and one paid $200 more then it would be strange. I’m assuming since that would be very socially off, it was probably a few families.

It was Us and another couple

amother

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:06 pm

Thank you everyone for your responses I feel so validated.
Relatives asked us a couple times to join and we declined. We felt uncomfortable letting them know the reasoning was our financial situation. We decided to make it work this time. We made sure to take the bill first and wasn't that complicated to divide. We took 2 dishes. And we'd split tax and tip. No calculators needed.