Frustrated with my sons cheder

bnm

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 2:27 pm

Your kid might need decompression time- he was on 'on' all day and he needs to relax. Teach him relaxation skills/work with an OT if its sensory based. He might be hungry- I used to give my kids protein when they came home. Some of them needed their blanky and quiet time. I understand the frustration of the late in day nap all too well. It turns into a bad cycle. My boys are older and whenever they come home dysregulated its usually that they skipped lunch and didn't have enough snack. Can you try picking him up for 2 weeks so he skips the bus ride and see if that makes a difference..... there are many things that can contribute to a kid coming home 'wild'. Also let me remind you of the study that says sugar and food coloring seemed to disportianly affect behavior in kids with ADHD. My kids have no problem with sugar.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 2:34 pm

Persevere wrote:

Ok it doesn't matter, and maybe wasn't so nice. Hopefully she's looking for advice. We can give it kindly, and hopefully will take it honestly.

OP are you on your phone a lot or busy with household tasks when your kids come home?

My phone is not on when I am with my kids, I grab it sometimes to take a video or story if they're playing nice, but thats very quick and then it goes away.

When I eat sugar, it's not in his sight, and I make healthy choices the rest of the day. He is too young to learn how to make these choices himself, as sugar messes with his brain

He gets OT and PT he had last year and hated it. So we discontinued it. His cheder does give more nosh than other chederim, I have spoken to many mothers through my platform and many schools have great programs and rules set in place, but mine does not.

Being heimish chassidish, and not part of a moised specifically, we didn't have many great choices for cheder. I am open to switching but as people have mentioned before that might not be the issue. Speaking to the school is hard and I always end up frustrated (such as in the case of the allergy notice). The preschool manager is always busy, can never answer the phone, is never there when I go down to the school, and the teacher herself (the one who had the baby) doesn't have a phone. So I'm just confused as to where to turn to next.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 2:36 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

My 7 year old now goes to a Yeshivish school where they often give out candy. Prior to this year , he didn't even like candy - he'd taste it and spit it out. Now, unfortunately he's developed a taste for it because the rebbe gives candy every day and from taste into craving. He also picked up a lot of rude behavior in this school that did not exist in the non-yeshivish environment he was in before. We switched to this school because the Torah learning is far better. Unfortunately, we are now left to deal with these issues among others. Let's face it: Its a problem. (the candy, the wildness, random boys fighting at recess, the chutzpah). and I feel free saying it here among us- this is not the audience of the NYT but the time has come to be honest with ourselves.

yes, I didn't want to say it haha, but how can we do something about it? Even an extracurricular activity during the day for the boys would be so beneficial!

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 2:56 pm

amother Chartreuse wrote:

My kids are in Satmar bp, girls and boys.
My kids bh come home happy and settled. They actually miss school and cheder over yom Tov.
The school and cheder has a no candy rule, and the rebbes take away the candy if a kid brings it to cheder.
My son actually comes home with little prizes that he gets every day instead of candy.
The girls school hands out snack that every child brings once a month and they have a list of acceptable snacks you can send.
They constantly send home notes to remind parents not to send nosh with their daughters.

The cheder and school also give apples tangerines and melons as snack.

Now my daughters bus teacher does occasionally give her a candy, but she doesn’t have any reaction to it bh. They do have a shabbos party once a week where they get one candy as well.
This is preschool I’m talking about. I don’t know how elementary school is.

this really sounds amazing, but sad that this isn't the norm

amother

Phlox

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 3:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so let's do something about it. Why do we have to deal with the represcussions just because schools don't have any other way to excite our kids into learning just with sugar. I'm here for it. Let's sign a petition, let's do something! I haven't met a frum mother yet who doesn't complain about the raffling off of coke bottles and the like

No, not all mothers care. And I don't think making noise will do much. You just get labeled as "that mother" . I feel like change has to come from the bottom up. People need to understand just how detrimental this stuff is. Not simplistic messages like sugar makes kids hyper. They need a real esucation. Otherwise nothing will shift. It also needs to be communal. And also they need a major overhaul in terms of learning systems to not be so dependent on bribes period. Because trinkets get boring really fast.

bnm

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 4:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

He gets OT and PT he had last year and hated it. So we discontinued it. .......................................................................................................................................................................................Speaking to the school is hard and I always end up frustrated (such as in the case of the allergy notice). The preschool manager is always busy, can never answer the phone, is never there when I go down to the school, and the teacher herself (the one who had the baby) doesn't have a phone. So I'm just confused as to where to turn to next.

1- you are the mother. If you think it would be beneficial try again with a different provider. Maybe go for 1-2 sessions where they can show you what to do with him at home.
2- you should have a way to contact the teacher. Leave messages thru the office they should call you. How does a person not have phone access in the year 2023?!?

and yes, I sympathize fully. It is very hard when kids come home dysregulated. My kids still do that some days.... by now they are old enough to stop, name their emotion and the cause and help me come up with a plan on what to do next. 'Mommy I didn't have lunch. Can I eat a snack?' 'Mommy I want to go read in my room quietly' 'Mommy I'm going to go jump on the trampoline or do tumble sauces'. This doesn't happen overnight. This took a lot of work on my part and theirs. It usually does get better when you figure out what variables YOU have control over to change, be it picking him up so he dosn't have to go on the bus, giving him food as soon as he comes in or a sensory activity like a bubble bath or playing with shaving cream or kinetic sand.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:57 am

I think you are so focused on the sugar (the issue least likely to change to your satisfaction) and are ignoring the issues that you can change.

My 3 year old daughter was having some of these issues - she started a full day gan (until 4) in a big group instead of a small group in a morah's house.

Here are the things that have made a difference for us:
- I do pick up and drop off, even though its really hard, means getting up early to work extra because I get to work late/leave early, and lots of my neighbors do carpool groups that are much more convenient.
- make sure there is healthy food available right when we get home. I make sure its a protein and fruit/ protien and veg.
- focused 1 on 1 time right when we get home. I usually read her books for at least a half hour while she has her snack, or we color together.
- making sure she goes to bed on time
- making sure that I start getting her ready in the morning with enough time so that she can do it slowly without a rush.

Also the fact that there is a sub is very dysregulating to kids. It takes my daughter 2-3 weeks to get back to herself every time they vacation.

amother

Peony

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 9:04 am

amother Navyblue wrote:

Love this. So many practical tips. Essentially, focusing on building respect and bonding with your child, instead of blaming everything on sugar.

OP I know all this is easier said than done. It's so much easier to blame everything on an outside factor! I'm in the same boat as you trying to implement these positive respectful parenting techniques!