Teen has been sneaking movies/shows on computer

amother

Apple

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:14 pm

Have a frank open conversation with her. Dont confront or accuse, just state the facts. "I know that you were able to watch... It is not the right thing to do... I understand you want to watch more... But I will have to find you more appropriate things to watch..." something to that affect. But you will have to find an appropriate things & means for her to watch, & time/amount of screen time, or she will keep finding ways to bypass boundaries set.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:25 pm

I did this as a teen
My mom never found out (I doubt it because if she did, there is no way she wouldnt confront me)
I would have been terribly ashamed if she would have said something and would have only caused me to slip further

Bh I passed that stage and life moved on

amother

Wheat

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:28 pm

Just let her do her thing. She is in the stage of life where she needs to experiment to find the hashkafa she likes. It may not be the one you want her to have but there’s nothing wrong with it. You can share your perspective with her on the reasons why you think not watching is a good idea, but it’s ultimately her decision.

healthymom1

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:29 pm

Besides for explaining why you didn’t appreciate her not being honest and breaching your trust which is needed in healthy relationships … it’s also a good opportunity to find out if she has any questions about what she saw… it’s better she learns real correct things and not things she makes up in he head or her friends make up in there.

You can really allow her to grow here. We are all curious by nature. Maybe for different things. But boys are very interesting and cute and we naturally want to be with them like they do us

LittleDucky

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:38 pm

Sometimes there is a reason for this behavior. Kids or anyone really who go against rules sometimes have a "reason". Maybe they have anxiety, depression or something else going on. Maybe there is peer pressure. I would look into seeing if there is anything going on.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:00 pm

Let it go.

Lakewood yeshivish family here. I found out my 15 yr old DD was getting around my iPad filter and using Google. I had it blocked and didn't say anything to her. A few days later she asked me why Google is blocked. I told her if she needs to Google something I will gladly do it together with her. We've been doing that when she *needs* to look things up (silly things but it makes her happy).
Just block it and move on. If she asks, don't make into a trust issue. Just state facts. What she did was between her and Hashem, not you and her. You can help steer her in the right direction by blocking it now.

dancingqueen

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:03 pm

amother Apple wrote:

Good advice. I think you should find kosher things she can watch.

Last edited by dancingqueen on Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Violet

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:05 pm

Don’t say anything
I did this as a teen, I would have been mortified had my mother said anything. We did watch movies in our house, but only on vacations.
I grew up and matured.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:23 pm

Please please please don't let her know.
She has to know and feel that her mother believes in her being perfect.
You don't have to talk about her misdeed.
Unconditional love.
I did it this way and have a good relationship with my kids.

HonesttoGod

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:35 pm

I’m sorry but you can’t allow her to have her computer in private and inherently trust her not to breach your trust. She’s a teenager. That’s what they do.

You fixed the filter. You can either leave it be and continue “trusting” her or move the computer to a public space.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:36 pm

Quote:

100% agree
I was a goody-goody bais Yaakov girl, figured out how to watch stuff and read books that were completely inappropriate without my parents knowing. Either they never found out or they were smart enough to not say anything
Bh I turned out just fine.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 8:39 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

I'm going to disagree with this. This leads to a life of confusion and living in the clouds not reality. Reality is if you do stuff people will find out and sometimes they will be disappointed. But it's a great lesson that you can still have a great relationship anyway and you can fully move on. What you are doing is robbing your children of a chance to have normal healthy relationships. They will suffer when other relationships don't coddle them and they will have never learned basic skills. Really bad plan.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Don’t say anything
I did this as a teen, I would have been mortified had my mother said anything. We did watch movies in our house, but only on vacations.
I grew up and matured.

Many teens do this.
They grow up.
You don't have to catch them on every wrong thing they do.

amother

DarkRed

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 10:46 pm

I did this too. Totally normal very frum bais yaakov girl. Very mature in a lot of ways, I was a very good girl. At the time, I didn’t think my parents knew but now I think they did. I’m happy they never said anything to me. It gave me a chance to grow, to figure it out myself. To figure out how to stop myself from watching bad things. Now, as an adult with a smartphone (with a filter, but I’m very tech savvy and can get around anything) I have the mental fortitude and strength to set boundaries for myself. I think my parents were also monitoring to make sure it didn’t turn into a serious addiction.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 10:59 pm

First of all, your daughter is a normal healthy teenager BH so you don't need to worry about that.

At the same time though, this is a good time for you as parents to evaluate the general attitude towards Internet usage in your home. Do you have filters on your personal devices? I hope so. Does your daughter know that you do? That's an important message for our kids, it's not that we have a filter because we don't trust you, it's because no one should trust themselves to be perfect and no one should actively put themselves in the place of a nisayon, even adults. We literally ask hashem every morning not to put us in a situation of nisayon, so of course we wouldn't want to do it to ourselves.

This is also probably a great opportunity to invest more in your relationship with her, she recently entered teenagehood and there's a lot out there that she'll be exposed to over the next few years, you want to be sure that she feels comfortable coming to you to talk it over instead of being worried you'll be disappointed.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 11:01 pm

LittleDucky wrote:

The reason is "yetzer horah".

Everyone has one.

amother

Antiquewhite

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 11:05 pm

I was this kid in high school. I didn’t even have my own computer, I figured out my parents password and used to watch whenever they were out. Nothing bad at all, and I was a regular frum girl top student, it was just addicting. My parents figured it out eventually, they actually handled it really well, had a discussion about safe internet use and didn’t punish me bec they saw I felt really bad and guilty. I turned out just fine bh. Just typical teenage curiosity and then got addicted to it. I wouldn’t blow my top about pg-13 videos, but def have a calm and open discussion with her