How well do you cope with your larger family?

amother

Natural

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 1:37 pm

I have a few more than 5 kids ranging from teen-newborn. I also work during the time my kids are at babysitter/school. I have a few hours of cleaning help daily. 1 day a week I leave work early to do errands/appointments. I am also super organized with meal prep and shopping. I shop for shabbos on midweek and for the week/suppers on Sunday. I also took a parenting class over 10 years ago that helps keep me calm and I rarely get pulled into my kids arguments.

amother

Marigold

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 1:39 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

Do you have a cleaning lady?

No. She quit. I do lots of housework but my house is not cleaned all in the same day

amother

Candycane

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 2:26 pm

amother Natural wrote:

Which parenting course was it that is still helping you 10 years later? wow.

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 2:59 pm

I have 5 kids ranging from 5-19. My older ones are boys, younger ones are girls.

My husband taught me early on in our marriage that I'm not superwoman and I shouldn't try to do everything. I can't afford help and I work full time. All my kids help clean up, but my house is rarely spotless. I learned to let things slide. It's more important for me that my kids have a healthy and happy home. They won't remember the dirty dishes in the sink, but they'll remember the snuggles on the couch. They won't remember if the floor wasn't mopped daily and will remember me sitting with them to study for a test. They won't remember if they don't get fresh linen weekly, but will remember that I was there for them emotionally, physically, or just a listening ear. They won't remember if there were toys on the floor all week, but they will remember the giggles we had playing with them.

My meals aren't fancy, but nourishing and nutritious.

My husband helps when he can. The older ones help with the younger ones when they are home (having older ones as boys, they are often not available to help).

thatworn

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 3:47 pm

BH I think the main idea in staying sane is being grateful. I see people with no children and I see people with a small family, whom I assume would want a larger family and I thanks HaShem every day, sometimes every minute, for what He has given me. (This is not to say that people should have larger families if they feel that they can not cope!!! I make absolutely no judgements on others' family situations!)

I had BH BH BH BH BH BH BH 6 children in 9 years and now going through SIF. Sad

Youngest is 3.

I keep/kept children home until they were around 4 years old, so often had 2 and 3 home at the same time. One year I was able to access childcare at work and worked more than full time hours. One year we homeschooled everyone (not Covid related).
Now I have youngest home, eldest two in school full time and 3rd, 4th and 5th in school half days.
Husband is rarely home, as someone needs to earn the money to pay tuition and mortgage!
We have used cleaning help maybe 5 times in the 14 years we are married.

When children are young, one never seems to have enough hands, but I find that there were fewer demands. Tantrums, yes, but demands, no. Pre teen attitude is harder to deal with than toddler crankiness. The older children are able to help out here and there by watching younger ones so that I can cook supper or switch the laundry to the dryer/line. I try not to ask them too much, or if they seem angsty about helping, I ask them to set the kitchen timer for 10 minutes and just help out for that time - and it works! They feel like they've done their bit, and I have made some sort of headway with what I was trying to accomplish.

My home is tidy - I try to be on top of only playing in the playroom (or in the living room, when we lived in an apartment) and only a certain amount of toys out at a time. Sometimes the children's rooms get horrendously messy. I either take a leaf out of Cozy Rosy mother's book "This time I think I will just close your door" or I help them clean it all up (with bribes and or threats along the way!!!).
Play room is often very messy. Oh well. It's just toys, not dirt and garbage.

There are laundry hampers in every room - some rooms have laundry hampers for each person, so each person's laundry is done once a week or so (buy clothes cheaply from childrensplace and the like, hand me downs, uniform g'mach if we have mazal will have enough school blouses for a week, because that is a LOT of money!) and sorting is minimized to sorting by drawer, rather than by person and by drawer. Most of the children will throw their clothes in the hamper, some of them even turn them the right way round! If clothes are the wrong way round, or socks are scrunched up in the hamper, they get washed that way. The children will either not care or realise they do not wash well and remedy the problem themselves.

Supper is kind of difficult, as everyone likes different things. I am fine with children making sandwiches if they do not want what I have cooked. Many things are cooked in a crockpot. Nothing is fancy. MOstly I cook the same 4 or 5 meals - not much of a variety in my repertoire. Same for Shabbos. No one is a huge eater, so I do not have to cook 3 courses for each meal on Shabbos, BH. I buy a LOT of snacks to send to school, sometimes I have to send sandiwches if the older two (only ones with a lunch programme in school), again, not so difficult, and they can help out with packing and sandiwch making.

Although my home is tidy, it is far from spotless. The bathroom sinks get wiped down each night, the toilets are regularly cleaned with those things you snap in a wand, the bathtubs should be scrubbed more than once every few weeks, but that doesn't happen. The windows have hand marks all the time. The floor is swept many times a day but only mopped once a week, if that. Once it is mopped, it will be dirty again within a very short time. I should definitely vacuum the carpeted areas more! Kitchen and laundry sinks get bleached once a week. When there are small jobs to do, I try to do them whenever I can, eg, the children are in the bath, I clean the bathroom sinks. The children are playing happily and not beating each other up, I do the floor, etc. I feel like I never really sit and chill but I do not know that I am the type to sit and chill.

I feel like the year I was working improved my mindset as I felt like I had friends and an identity outside the house. However, I was never home, so many chores were just not done or crammed into Sunday. I would be happy to go back to work, but whatever I would earn would probably not help much and I am in a situation in which I am not sure how long one or two of my children will be able to stay in school, due to behavioural and learning issues, so I do not want to become resentful of them if I have a job and then need to leave because of them.

It could be that I cope well as I am grateful. It could be that I cope well as I am super organised and do not like to sit still. I think mainly haShem gives us what we need and if ever we feel that we can not cope, we should first give thanks for our brochos. Healthy bodies and minds (kind of!), precious offspring, a home to live in. Then we should seek help. If we can not cope, can we find chessed girls? Can we respecftully ask our spouses and children to pull their weight a bit more? Can we do without some sort of treat and put the money towards cleaning help? If we really, truly can not cope, can we ask shailos and get heterim, etc.

We should all enjoy the brochos we have and give thanks to the One who gives them to us. And if we can no longer see the brochos I n our lives, we should be able to work through the issues we have and obtain the assistance we need until we enjoy our brochos again!

amother

Stoneblue

Fri, Feb 03 2023, 4:26 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Not to hijack, but amother stoneblue, what do you do for 10-15 hours a week?

Ok so it's not work work. I'm in school now finishing up my PhD (psychology). Once that's done I'm hoping to see clients about 20 hours a week.

amother

Mocha

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:23 pm

thatworn, you sound like an amazing person! I would love to be more like you!

I'm a SAHM with lots of cleaning help to help keep things under control with my large family, and constantly trying to figure out how I can be a better mother!

thatworn

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:10 pm

Who is to say who is a better mother!? If your children are happy and healthy and you also happy and healthy (although possibly a bit frazzled and / or sleep deprived) , then all is good. No one is better. We are all good. And different.

amother

Tomato

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:19 pm

Ok here are my tips.

1. double up whenever you can when you cook and freeze a meal.

2. kids aprox older than 13, 14 do their own laundry. Some of mine buddy with a sibling. I offer to help by switching loads or hanging wet stuff but I don't fold or put away their stuff.

3. You car is your friend. When you come home alone from dropping a kid or whatever sit in the driveway, make a call, breathe, listen to a song. I use my car for private calls as I never have the house to myself and we don't have good privacy space for me.

4. Have snacks , pot noodles, pita bread etc around for after dinner or late night munchies...if you have teens they eat all evening.

5. Before a yt rope everyone in to maki g lists, menus etc and give out jobs. Make it a family prep event....we are all in this together motto works well. Especially true for tishrei and Pesach.

6. before Shabbos write jobs on your whiteboard or notice board and let kids come home from school initial a job they will do and tick when it's done. make a time jobs must be done by.

Those are my main ones! Hope some help

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:33 pm

I have 4 kids which I know is not considered large but I think parenting all comes down to what you can handle and what you can sacrifice. Being ok with a mess most of the time. My sister has 7 and only does laundry on Sunday. She shops on Wednesdays. Has a list on the fridge. They only have a few toys out of storage at a time. Her older children are away in yeshiva but right now she has 4 at home. She is also 5 months pregnant and often exhausted.

amother

Mocha

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:36 pm

thatworn wrote:

I know I need improvement. Doesn't help that my MIL is the epitome of a perfect mother...
But yes, I do my best to keep my children happy and healthy though DH has very high expectations...

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 12:44 am

What technical things do you do to help afternoons runs more smoothly when kids come
Home from school? Homework dinner etc?

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, Feb 08 2023, 1:06 am

amother OP wrote:

What technical things do you do to help afternoons runs more smoothly when kids come
Home from school? Homework dinner etc?

Can we start a new thread to get specific responses? I’d love to know as well. Busy mommy here, expecting #5

amother

Wed, Feb 08 2023, 1:11 am

Sure,maybe ask them question in a new thread?