Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> The Imamother Writing Club
A Tale of two Shidduchim
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:10 am
I've been thinking about writing up this story for a while, but for various reasons, I refrained. But now, for reasons which I will explain at the end, I decided to write it up. This story is totally true, but I might change a few identifying details.

There is a young girl who I know since she was born. Lets call her Sara. I babysat her (she was a really cute baby) and I watched her grow up. And I watched her grow older and older, and before I knew it she was 30 and still not married.

I tried redting her several shidduchim over the years but they never got to first base. Scratch that- they never made it to the ballpark at all. They were dismissed without the slightest bit of consideration.

I'm not saying she was picky. Maybe the boys I redt were way off base. But the bottom line is that I did not know any boys that were in the ballpark, so to speak. (I'm not sure why I'm using baseball lingo, I'm so not into baseball Rolling Eyes .) So while I would feel sorry for her and all, and I would often join in group efforts to say tehillim on her behalf, I wasn't actively trying to find her a shidduch.

Now I have a daughter. She is a really caring person. She was always very sad about Sara's single status. She took it very personally.

She made it her personal mission to do all she could to get Sara married. To that end, she davened for her every day. And whenever she heard about an older boy, she would try to see if it could be a match for Sara.

So during the summer of this story, my daughter called me from camp. She sounded all hyper and determined. She told me that she met a girl in camp, and, while talking to her, decided to ask her if she happens to know of any older single guys that could be a match for Sara. Her friend, Chaya, said that her family hosts this young guy often on Shabbos and he is an amazing guy. So, like typical teenagers, these two girls decided that it sounded perfect. They we're probably already planning the wedding.

Chaya called her mother, who called the young man, Shlomo, and asked him if he ever heard of this girl Sara. Shlomo said that he and Sara went out many years ago, but he doesn’t remember why it ended. He also said that her name keeps coming up again, and he would go out with her, but apparently she isn't interested.

Now, armed with this info, my daughter called me to see if I can try to make something happen.

I was very not interested in getting involved. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciated my daughter's optimistic enthusiasm and I want to see Sara married. I just felt in my gut that it would be a waste of time. Nevertheless, I was never good at resisting my daughter's urging, so I picked up the phone and called Chaya's mother, Leah.

Leah and I hit it off immediately. If nothing else would come of this story, I had made a good friend. We got to schmoozing. I asked her point blank- What's wrong with this guy?
She said Nothing! So why isn't he married? She had no idea. He had never been married, but he had every good quality, and she and her husband could never figure out why he wasn't married.

Okay. So my next step was to call Sara's mother. Sara's mother suggested I call Sara directly. Without dragging out the story too much, Sara was not interested in giving Shlomo another chance, but, with some gentle pursuatuon, eventually agreed to think about it. She asked for a week.

I called back a week later, and she said she needed more time. During all this time, my daughter kept calling me from camp to ask, motivate and urge me to follow up.

Eventually Sara agreed to go out with Shlomo. They went out, had a good date, and both agreed to continue. I'm skipping out a lot of the details here but it was all very slow going, with a lot of time between dates. My daughter called me daily to ask if there were updates.

Whereas in the beginning I was not really invested, since I didn't think anything would come of it, the more they dated, the more emotionally invested I got. My daughter and her friend had meanwhile come home from camp by that point and started a learning chavrusashaf over the phone as a zechus for the shidduch to work out.

Since they both worked and lived in different cities, Sara and Shlomo dated only once a week. After a while, I started believing that this shidduch was going to happen. I was constantly in touch with Sara, and observed that her initial skepticism and distrust started turning around. At some point they started arranging their own dates, which I was thrilled about.

Finally one day, I heard from Sara's mother. The couple were planning their engagement! She was giddy with excitement and couldn't stop exclaiming about how perfect Shlomo was for Sara.

Sara's grandmother had recently passed away. While she was alive, Sara's single status was a constant source of pain for her Bubby. Sara's mother was convinced that her mother was pulling strings in shomayim.

I was thrilled. My daughter was over the moon. I had initially been filled with skepticism about this shidduch, but I was , happily, proven wrong.

And then everything went very wrong.
To be continued...
Back to top

amother
Darkblue


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:14 am
Nuuuu let’s hear part two
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:20 am
Oy, why are you doing this? I just spent five minutes of my precious time reading your story...
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:18 am
Part 2.

I had imagined it would take another day or two to make it official. I was already picturing the utter joy that would sweep the town and beyond when the news would get out there. But instead, I heard only silence.

Finally I called Sara.

She told me that on their last date, something went very wrong. I'm not going to go into details (sorry), but it looked like the shidduch might be off.
I was stunned.

But I was not ready to give up.

I spoke with Sara for a long time. Then I spoke with Shlomo. I spoke with Leah, and Leah spoke with Shlomo. Leah spoke with Sara, and Leah's husband spoke with Sara and Shlomo. They both spoke to dating coaches and Sara's Rav.

In short, there was a lot of talk and dissecting and analyzing and hashing and rehashing.

They agreed to continue to go out but they both took a big, big step back.

During this time, I had occasion to go to Lakewood, and I met with Leah and her husband who live there. Shlomo came by as well, and we all sat around the table and shmoozed. He really impressed me, and I could tell he still really hoped it would work out with Sara. At the same time, he had great reservations. So did Sara.
It was a mess.

But they continued to go out, and I continued to be a sounding board for both sides.

Finally after a few more weeks, Sara and Shlomo finally decided to end it. By the time it ended, I was not surprised, but it was still a very bad feeling. Aside from all the time I invested (about 3 or 4 months) , the raised hopes and anticipation were now dashed.

*****
A few weeks before this, I got a call from a close friend of mine. Let's call her Shaindy.

Shaindy said, "I'm sending you a resume of a boy for your daughter. Look into him. I don't know him well, but my son knows him from yeshiva and he thinks he's an amazing boy."

I looked at the resume and didn't recognize a single name on it. But I saw he lived in Detroit*. (City changed.) I had one friend/acquaintance who lives there, and it just so happens that she was involved in another shidduch that was redt to my daughter. So she knew the type of boy my daughter needed. I called this friend and asked her if she knew this boy.

"He's not for your daughter, " my friend said flatly.
I was quite surprised at the finality of it. "Why not?"
She went on to tell me that she knows the boy and his family VERY well, and he is not for us. Very good boy but totally wrong type.. she gave me several examples.

Finally I was convinced. It felt good to know with certainty that it was not the right thing for us. It was a 5 minute phone call, but that's all it took.

I called Shaindy back and thanked her for thinking of us, but told her that it doesn't sound like a shidduch.

I told her that the boy and his family seem unsuitable for us...and as I'm talking, I realize that this boy actually would fit very nicely into HER family! The type of boy seemed the right type of personality for her daughter.

I said, "What about your daughter? Is she in shidduchim yet? Maybe look into this boy for her!"

She started laughing and said absolutely not. Her daughter is not in shidduchim. She just was barely 18 and just graduated 12th grade. She was going to Seminary.

Ok, whatever. I hung up the phone and forgot about it.

A few weeks later, Shaindy called me to let me know that her daughter was getting engaged....to that same young man.

"Whaaaaaa??" I was totally NOT expecting that. I asked her how that came about.

This is what she said:
"If you would know what I thought of you when you suggested him for my daughter...I really thought you were crazy. It was totally not on my radar. However, prior to redting it to your daughter, I redt it to my neighbor, who's daughter did go out with him. They dated a few times, but then they ended it. But a few days later, the girl told her mother that she thinks he would be right for my daughter..

"So her mother called to tell me that her daughter thinks we should consider the shidduch for my daughter. This mother called me the day after YOU came up with the same idea.

"When you said it, I thought you were nuts. But when I heard it a second time in two days, I asked my husband what he thinks. We decided to ask a shayla, and were told we should look into him. And here we are. They are getting engaged tomorrow. "

Wow, what a story! I was so shocked and excited at the same time.

But that's not all. Her husband asked a posek and was told that since I was the first to mention it, I was a shadchan and they should give me shadchanus.

I said, "NO WAY! That's crazy! How can I be the shadchan if I didn't even know the boy? I didn’t do anything! "

She said, "What do you mean? You were the first to think of the idea! "

I was super uncomfortable with that. I had nothing to do with the shidduch. All I did was take a name that was redt to me, and just bounce it right back to the person who redt it!

But Shaindy was very firm that this is what the psak was and said her husband was zelling me the money right then and there.

There were more interesting aspects to the story from her end. However, on my end, it just seemed like free money was raining down on me, and I was getting credit for something I had, at best, only a miniscule part in. Honestly, it was bewildering and wonderful at the same time.

And then I thought about the other parsha. The one that ended that very same week. The one that I had invested so much time and kochos into. I had put my whole neshama into it. And nothing came of it.

It's really not about the shadchanus or the credit.

When you work on something, especially something that, if successful, creates an eternal bond between two people, a new family in Klal Yisroel, you start to feel a sense of mission and partnership with Hashem. As it starts looking more certain, it feels like you are touching the sublime. And then, precisely because of the potential, when it falls through, it feels very, very bad.

But I couldn't help thinking that Hashem was giving me a personal message. It's not about the effort, though the effort is important. Here you put in a ton of effort and had nothing to show for it in the end. And there, you put in, like, zero effort and you got credit for this new shidduch.

In the end of it all, Hashem controls the story. The efforts we make have very little bearing on the actual results of the story. It's nice when we feel that our efforts are paying off. But sometimes Hashem has a funny way of letting us know that our efforts are appreciated, even if He has a different plan.





.
Back to top

ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:21 am
Very nice! Thank you for posting!
Back to top

amother
Narcissus


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:25 am
Thanks for sharing. Update us if Sara does get engaged.
Back to top

amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:29 am
OP wow...just wow! Thanks for posting x
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:40 am
amother Cerise wrote:
Oy, why are you doing this? I just spent five minutes of my precious time reading your story...


Sorry . I hope I didn't waste your time.
It took you 5 minutes to read, but it took me like an hour or so to type. And I didn't want the post to be too long because I know people don't like that .
Back to top

amother
Lightcoral


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:43 am
She probably thought you wouldn't post the ending..
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:58 am
amother OP wrote:
Sorry . I hope I didn't waste your time.
It took you 5 minutes to read, but it took me like an hour or so to type. And I didn't want the post to be too long because I know people don't like that .


I'm sure it did. So sorry, I thought I wouldn't hear the rest. It's really nice of you all the effort ypu did.

I have myself tried many times, and even though I set up dates, it never went further than 2-3 dates. OTOH, my husband thought of an idea, and the shidduch happened 1-2-3. He barely even called to speak to them. It happened all through whatsapps messages.

So I think it was bashert for you to earn the money. At end of the day I think you get schar for every step you did regardless.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:44 am
amother Cerise wrote:
I'm sure it did. So sorry, I thought I wouldn't hear the rest. It's really nice of you all the effort ypu did.

I have myself tried many times, and even though I set up dates, it never went further than 2-3 dates. OTOH, my husband thought of an idea, and the shidduch happened 1-2-3. He barely even called to speak to them. It happened all through whatsapps messages.

So I think it was bashert for you to earn the money. At end of the day I think you get schar for every step you did regardless.


I don't Know about everyone else. But when I think about these older singles, I just feel so helpless. I don't think their situation is hopeless, but I feel that there isn't anything I personally can do. And I think that any effort I expend will be a waste of my time.

And so I generally do nothing.

But one thing I took out of this story is that efforts are not wasted. Even if I didn't have the desired outcome, there is a reason it happened the way it did. And though I put my efforts in one area, and it didn't result in a shidduch, I got credit for a different shidduch which I put no effort into at all.
Back to top

Kumphort




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 9:14 am
Amazing how you are able to take life experiences and turn them into life lessons and then go on to share them as well!
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 12:53 pm
Kumphort wrote:
Amazing how you are able to take life experiences and turn them into life lessons and then go on to share them as well!


Thanks.
I think I wasn't so much trying to share a life's lesson. It's more that I think that being involved in shidduchim is very hard, and people have a lot of burnout. It's hard work and most of the time, you see nothing for your efforts. No money and, even worse, no satisfaction of having made a shidduch. It's hard to keep going.

But in this case, my having made a shidduch couldn't have been simpler. And since it came at the exact moment when I worked so hard on another shidduch that ultimately did not pan out, I couldn't help but see the connection.

So I think I was trying to share chizzuk that even though being involved in Shidduchim is very hard and often goes unrewarded, it's still a huge thing to be doing Hashem's work in this world.

The gemara says tthe story about the Tanna who told the Roman nobelwoman that Hashem sits on His throne and makes matches...so obviously this is something that Hashem thinks is a good usage of my time.
Back to top

amother
Offwhite


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:53 pm
Great story, OP!
It’s a good lesson that we need to do hishtadlut and our effort isn’t wasted, but often our effort isn’t connected to the end result.

This reminds me of a similar experience we had.
We had been looking for houses for a long time, put offers on a few houses that fell through, and we finally found a house that looked perfect. It was small but a good location, recently fixed up, kosher, exactly my style with specific things I wanted that were uncommon in that area. And did I say very cheap? (This was a few years ago, and has been sold since.)

The main drawback for us was a brook that ran through the property with a low gate. I went down to City Hall a few times, contacted our assemblyman’s office and got a meeting with the city’s business manager to get permission to build a higher gate around it. After a long time and a lot of effort, our efforts were denied and we could not go through with the house.

A little while later, my in-laws found us a house near them in another state. They checked out the house and sent pictures and videos but we were unable to check it out in person at the time and we bought it sight-unseen (aside from the pictures they sent us).

I felt like we had to put in a certain amount of effort to get a house, but HaShem was saying- the house is ultimately from Me, not because of your efforts.
Back to top

amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 3:29 pm
Gotta ask. Is this PKL?
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 7:33 pm
amother Offwhite wrote:
Great story, OP!
It’s a good lesson that we need to do hishtadlut and our effort isn’t wasted, but often our effort isn’t connected to the end result.

This reminds me of a similar experience we had.
We had been looking for houses for a long time, put offers on a few houses that fell through, and we finally found a house that looked perfect. It was small but a good location, recently fixed up, kosher, exactly my style with specific things I wanted that were uncommon in that area. And did I say very cheap? (This was a few years ago, and has been sold since.)

The main drawback for us was a brook that ran through the property with a low gate. I went down to City Hall a few times, contacted our assemblyman’s office and got a meeting with the city’s business manager to get permission to build a higher gate around it. After a long time and a lot of effort, our efforts were denied and we could not go through with the house.

A little while later, my in-laws found us a house near them in another state. They checked out the house and sent pictures and videos but we were unable to check it out in person at the time and we bought it sight-unseen (aside from the pictures they sent us).

I felt like we had to put in a certain amount of effort to get a house, but HaShem was saying- the house is ultimately from Me, not because of your efforts.


I love this story! Thanks for sharing!
This goes back to the idea that the Chovos Halevavos says, that the only reason you go to work is because it's a "tax" you need to pay. Not because your effort actually brings you results.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 7:35 pm
amother Saddlebrown wrote:
Gotta ask. Is this PLK?


Hi
And I gotta ask, are you the one who always spots me, or is it a different person each time? Either way, you are pretty sharp. Very Happy
Back to top

professor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 7:50 pm
Wow!! Inspiring story!! Thank you for posting it, I needed inspiration now.
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:21 pm
amother OP wrote:
Hi
And I gotta ask, are you the one who always spots me, or is it a different person each time? Either way, you are pretty sharp. Very Happy


Now I wanna know who PLK is!
Back to top

Moonlight




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:41 pm
amother Cerise wrote:
Now I wanna know who PLK is!

It's PKL, and I also thought it was you! Love ur writing style!
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> The Imamother Writing Club

Related Topics Replies Last Post
ISO reasonable nice looking two sided desk for Sforim room
by amother
6 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:43 pm View last post
Vaccuum mop two in one help me find a good one
by amother
6 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:33 pm View last post
Master bath vanity- one or two sinks? 6 Thu, Mar 07 2024, 10:45 am View last post
by H2O
Do you prefer one piece or two piece swimsuit for 2 yo boy
by amother
5 Fri, Mar 01 2024, 11:58 am View last post
What ride on toy for two year old?
by amother
11 Tue, Feb 27 2024, 11:15 am View last post