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I cant and wont do everything!



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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 3:20 pm
I was a SAHM for many years. I started working full time a few months ago. Before I started, I spoke with my husband to make sure that if I take this job (we need the money and kids no longer need me at home all of the time, they have grown up) he realized that he would have to do more in the home, that we would have to share household chores that I did before I started working. He was so thrilled that I had found a job that he said of course and that there was no question that he would do his part.
Fast forward to a few months after I started and I feel like a complete rag. I keep reminding him of what he said and it still does not happen. I am still doing the majority of things that I always did and its a. making me sick and b. making me completely resent him.
I have no bright ideas anymore as to what I should do.
And no, I will not remind him every day of what he needs to do or what he should do if he sees I have not done that. I will not take on the mental load as well as the physical load. Its just too much. Help.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 3:26 pm
Make a chart to help remind everyone in the household (you, DH, and kids) what needs to be done each day and who is supposed to do it. That way it's all up-front and transparent.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 6:47 pm
If he genuinely agrees but routinely forgets, are you willing to take on the mental load for two weeks and remind in order to get it into his routine? Frustrating, I know- but if you knew it would work, could you do it?
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amother
Nasturtium


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 6:58 pm
Cleaning help?
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amother
Lemonchiffon


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:05 pm
I was a SAHM for many years and then I also went back to a demanding job so I can appreciate your frustration. It seems like there are two problems: one is that your work load has significantly increased. The other is that you don't feel supported or appreciated by dh, who promised but has not come through with sharing work.
I would create a list of all the tasks you need help with and then ways that you can accomplish them:
dh helping, more house cleaning, sending out laundry or paying to have it done, pre-cooking and freezing meals, using your crockpot, buying takeout, getting groceries delivered.

Then, you can sit down with dh and explain that you took the job with his promises of help and the expectation that you would not be doing everything. Explain that you do not have the energy to continue shouldering all the work. It would probably help you to have a system for everything broken down into days of the week leading up to Shabbos and to ask him which tasks he can do. Set a time frame by which you need him to come on board with helping himself. If he will not do that, you need to consider getting a less demanding job or returning to being a SAHM (I know that is not financially ideal, but your physical and mental health is also very important). Perhaps when he realizes that you are serious, he will change. I would also recommend that you not do the tasks yourself so that he understands the impact of the work not getting done (obviously nothing that is harmful to your children).
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:16 pm
I'm in a very similar boat so I can completely relate.

First, I would say to make a list of what needs to be done and post it on the wall or refrigerator. Do remind him a little here and there, as much as it's so frustrating, eventually he will remember and it will become part of his routine. Also, do have periodic conversations about this, he's not used to doing this and may need to be reminded.

Second, get a cleaning lady. Start ordering stuff online. Make easier meals. IOW, do as much as possible to make your life easier.

Signed, a fellow back to work mom who has done all of the above, and it's working. Mostly.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:45 pm
Don't do it. Put up a chart of what you both agreed to. Stick to your portion and leave the rest.

If you didn't actually divide tasks to conquer, then communication wasn't clear, and it needs to happen now.


Last edited by ra_mom on Sat, Feb 04 2023, 8:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Sat, Feb 04 2023, 8:42 pm
Some men have this problem where they just won’t do anything if it’s not spelled out clearly. I read somewhere that men and women brains work in completely different ways, to the point where two people looking at the same counter- a women will see a counter that needs to be cleaned and a guy will just see a sticky counter. Just like a little boy sees a tree and thinks oooh perfect climbing material and a little girl will just see a nice tree.
So yes write it out clearly and then simply do your part and nothing else.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:46 pm
amother Lavender wrote:
If he genuinely agrees but routinely forgets, are you willing to take on the mental load for two weeks and remind in order to get it into his routine? Frustrating, I know- but if you knew it would work, could you do it?


Ive been doing that since I started almost 3 months ago. Hasnt helped.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:47 pm
amother Nasturtium wrote:
Cleaning help?

Weve been looking for a long time and havent found anyone in our area. Not so pashut.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:49 pm
amother Cinnamon wrote:
I'm in a very similar boat so I can completely relate.

First, I would say to make a list of what needs to be done and post it on the wall or refrigerator. Do remind him a little here and there, as much as it's so frustrating, eventually he will remember and it will become part of his routine. Also, do have periodic conversations about this, he's not used to doing this and may need to be reminded.

Second, get a cleaning lady. Start ordering stuff online. Make easier meals. IOW, do as much as possible to make your life easier.

Signed, a fellow back to work mom who has done all of the above, and it's working. Mostly.


Ive been reminding him for the entire time Ive been working. It has not been helping and has just added to my mental load.
No cleaning ladies available where I live. Weve been looking. I have always made simple meals, thats not a problem.
Food shopping actually is not a problem. I dont like ordering on line.
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internationalma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:14 pm
Hi
I didn’t read all replies …
I feel for you , you must be overloaded.
However a husband who hasn’t been doing this kind of things will not start over night… in general the best thing to do for the sake of your mental tranquility is to get some cleaning help. I for example work but I know that some percentage of my pay will go to cleaning help so it’s manageable. You can’t expect your household to run just the same as before with no one filling in the gaps . It’s also not as natural to many man to get house chores done like a woman .
Your tone is very harsh and resentful, such a shame . What’s point of making money if you become a miser to those who you love ?! 💜
If you see husband is not cooperating you obviously need to find another solution. Best of luck ! Heart
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Feb 06 2023, 2:20 am
internationalma wrote:
Hi
I didn’t read all replies …
I feel for you , you must be overloaded.
However a husband who hasn’t been doing this kind of things will not start over night… in general the best thing to do for the sake of your mental tranquility is to get some cleaning help. I for example work but I know that some percentage of my pay will go to cleaning help so it’s manageable. You can’t expect your household to run just the same as before with no one filling in the gaps . It’s also not as natural to many man to get house chores done like a woman .
Your tone is very harsh and resentful, such a shame . What’s point of making money if you become a miser to those who you love ?! 💜
If you see husband is not cooperating you obviously need to find another solution. Best of luck ! Heart

My husband always helped at home. He was not one of those men who did nothing. It was just that now that I am out of the house all day, I needed him to chip in more.
And I replied that there is no cleaning help in site where I live, so that is not an option.
And yes, I do resent it. If Im doing his job, by going out to work, he has to do part of my job. That just logical. And fair.
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amother
Forsythia


 

Post Mon, Feb 06 2023, 10:46 am
I found that men don't pick up what needs to be done. If I need something I need to say explicitly and my husband will happily help out.
example- I try not to do laundry on rosh chodesh. I try to do laundry on sunday. If sunday falls on rosh chodesh, I will ask my husband if he minds helping with the laundry. He happily goes down and does it. He'll ask if I have any specific instructions. I don't think he'd pick up that I can't do the laundry and just do it.

Can you say, "Hubby, can you clear the supper table tonight while I bath a kid" or "Hubby can you run a load of laundry while I load the dishwasher", etc?
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 06 2023, 10:58 am
There's only so much of you and only some things you can check book solution.

Since you can't checkbook solution cleaning help if there's no one to hire, then that leaves other things to checkbook solution so you have the bandwidth to deal with the rest. And that means dh needs to 1. do it himself 2. accept that it will be paid for, etc. or 3. some combo of both.

I get that grocery shopping is easy, but if you don't have enough bandwidth, then you need to see what you can get off your direct plate, decide what you can relax in terms of expectations with pick up/delivery orders, etc. I save a good hour or two a week with grocery delivery and online shopping.

Speaking as someone who totally gets you and totally wants what I want in my groceries too.
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amother
Feverfew


 

Post Mon, Feb 06 2023, 1:31 pm
From experience, if you act as if you are a superwoman, all strong, carrying the entire load, not trusting him enough with shopping and chores, (as I did) -he will never assist you willingly.
But if you act vulnerable, as if you need him to come "SAVE" you and be "your hero" (which will require you to give him soooo much praise, and how he made your life so much easier, and how you could never live without him), he will look for ways to help you.

Also, from experience, don't say explicitly what he should do, men need to come up with a solution on their own. Just gently say to him, that you are super tired and overworked and this, this and this needs to get done, and you have no mental or physical capacity to tackle this. He wants to be your hero, so will jump on this opportunity to help you and find solutions, which to us are of course common sense! Of course don't forget to speak about it and praise him for weeks!

You should also gently remind him of the chores (especially those that he committed to or volunteered on his own). Don't overwhelm him, he will shut down. Give him very detailed instructions (like when we go grocery shopping its enough for us to write down the name of the fruit/veggie or pantry item to buy, men NEED specific instructions, quantity, quality, color, (sometimes even a picture) etc. It will be tough in the beginning especially him buying the wrong item. I made the mistake of complaining a lot about this, which of course made him retreat completely from this task.

Also, you need some time alone, when you have a day off at work, or sometimes evenings, don't start planning on what chores you need to complete that day! Dedicate this day/evening to yourself, do some self care, mani/pedi, facial, meet up with friends, shopping, etc.. If husband asks why or complains, tell him that you need this to stay beautiful and young for him, and that you need to take this time off for yourself so he can then enjoy his rejuvenated wife, which all men yearn, they dont want a wife who is always super tired.

When you start respecting, loving and investing in yourself (ex: physical exercise, eating healthy, intellectual growth), everyone around you will start treating you differently, they will respect you more.

Besides, if you have daughters, you will be setting a good example.

BTW, I have been married over 16 yrs, I now have two jobs, 5 kids, (one set of twins) and another baby on the way. My husband helps me tremendously now, and no it did not happen overnight, it took me many years to understand all this and then finally start practicing, because I was simply deteriorating mentally and physcally)
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