It's a bit sad with the whole gift/money expectations.

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 4:36 pm

Reading some of the other threads it's just a bit sad what Purim is becoming a day of...
In my days there wasn't this whole thing of expectations of Purim
If you had a lot of money you would prepare a whole load of mishloach manos and give out and receive

If you were middle class you prepared a few for each of your kids and yourselves. Some big some smaller and you have out hopefully expecting to get something back and if you didn't have enough you would swap what you got...

If you really had no money you bought one (minimum for the mitzvah) or two for each person and Gave only one..

There were no expectations just happiness
No jealousy why I gave a package with less items or more items etc..
Just friendship..

Money was only for matanos la evyonim or tzedaka.. no gifts

Teachers were just happy to see their students and so too students seeing their teachers (even the bad students at times)

Now I see threads about pressure to give gifts etc.. huge packages of mishloach manos in the stores which people can't afford etc..

In the end of the day all the nosh goes to waste... As it's chametz or the dentists make all the profit...

And to be honest we were the middle class described above..

This year (and last year and the year before that and that because of COVID) all we do is buy enough stuff for one mishloach manos or two Max per person and hope we get someone to come by and give us.so we can go e them and do the mitzva. if it doesn't happen we just go to our neighbors.and give them...and that's it...

And yes pesach is around the corner and matzah costs money as well..

amother

Taupe

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 4:52 pm

The mom of a therapist isnt getting apples thrown but her post just clinched it for me. No gifts and no checks! Mishloach manos is not about gifting . If you want to show hakaros havoc, pick a random day and bring her coffee and a muffin.
Parents may have large families and lots of obligations.

amother

Whitewash

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 4:54 pm

amother Snow wrote:

Agreed. I am horrified by what I read on here! Come to Baltimore! Its not like that here. More simplicity, very few give tips. More wholesome, less stressful!

It’s not even location specific. It’s some ridiculous teachers and parents deciding. There is no need. In real life no one even knew it was a thing.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:19 pm

So thankful that where I grew up mishloach manot was just mishloach manot. Same as every community Ive lived in since Im married.
Its just not something that is done in my world. When I read about this here on this site, it is completely foreign to me.
And yes, I agree, very sad.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 5:57 pm

Sadly even if the teachers dont expect it at all, its become the norm.
Most parents want to give cash.
And dare I say it? some parents feel that cash butter the teachers up a little. So their kids get treated "better" in some way... And unfortunately, I have seen it happening too.
In retrospect, its been like that for years! The wealthy kids got away with everything...

amother

Cerise

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:08 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

Disclaimer: I haven't read the other mm threads.

We are poor middle class and I send one small mm to every teacher, secretary, and principal in my girls' high school with a note of thanks. They cost me around $2.50/piece (it adds up) so I stopped making mm for friends and relatives (I make 2 extra to be yotzei on Purim).

It goes a long way when you have a teacher that's going to teach a few kids from the same family.

Flip Flops

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:15 pm

It's all about the attitude! I do not resent the "expectations" of Purim at all.
I'm so happy to use the opportunity to say thank you to my children's amazing morahs. No need for everyone to be so sour about it.

Some years I've given less, some years more depending on what I was able to do, but I'm really not feeling pressured or resentful.
I live in Lakewood FTR.

amother

Peru

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:26 pm

I wonder what planet some people are living on. I teach in a mainstream elementary school in Flatbush, and I'm a very well liked and highly requested teacher (feels funny writing that but it's anonymous so I'll put modestly aside!!). I have never gotten money on Purim. I got 9 mishloach manot, some super simple (j and j iced cappuccino thingie, box of wafers) some a little nicer (small wine or candy box from oh nuts). I don't send money to any teachers, although my daughter's school pta collects.

(Contrary to what people believe...I get many notes, a few gifts, and maaaaybe 1-2 cash gifts for chanuka each year.)

Highstrung

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:38 pm

I do think it started in the more RW schools and chedarim. The parent body of those schools pay much less tuition than schools more to the left . So parents would give Purim gelt to help those in chinuch with Pesach expenses.
By now it evolved to a larger spectrum of schools, with more of the faculty expecting tips , even when they say they don’t.
My daughter is in a JPF school. They collected for all the staff MM from each family. They ended up calling it Purim “gifts” and Thank you notes were written to each staff member .
Today they sent a message that although they already received the beautiful MM, gift and note they know many girls and parents still want to make a personal trip to give their own teachers MM. When the parents see this, they feel like they don’t want to be the only ones not making the personal trip so now they are giving a personal MM to the teacher in addition to the school MM (which ironically ends up being even a bigger expense in the end) .

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:49 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

My goodness!
Stay in your own lane!
We can and each should do what works for us and our family.
Don't worry about what "everyone" or anyone else is doing!

who said I don't stay in my own lane ! I actually do and am happy I am..

I am sure you heard of something called social pressure..

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:51 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

My goodness!
Stay in your own lane!
We can and each should do what works for us and our family.
Don't worry about what "everyone" or anyone else is doing!

Like I said in a different thread, it becomes "my problem" when I have to be concerned that the teacher or Rebbi might subconsciously be overly strict or less patient with my challenging or even just typical child, as opposed to those who gave $150, $250 or $500.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:55 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

But why shouldnt the Rebbes and teachers at least get from those who CAN give!?
They work so hard! Yes we all do, but do you know the hours they work to plan, report, teach and so on so forth?!
Do you know that some melamdim take the cash envelope right after purim and put it away for matzos?

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 6:57 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

Then there should be a system that requires anonymity. A mailbox in the school office or something.
People who want to give and can give should give, but cash only and the Rebbi should never be able to know who gave.
This way there won't be a hint of Shochad favoring one child or family over another even subtly.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 7:01 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

That is a great idea TBH.
Plus its a kovodigeh way of giving them money. I wonder if such a thing would work in my school. Unfortunately I think that thats the whole idea why people are giving BECAUSE of the way the rebbes will act toward some kids whos parents gave generously.