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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Purim
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Mar 06 2023, 1:49 pm
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Help me find the joy. It’s just a popularity contest (that we lose miserably!) and one of my kids is being bullied and will probably get no shalach manos. She made 10 to give out but doesn’t have nearly that many acquaintances. I’m suffering watching her suffering. Chizuk please!
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amother
Molasses
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 1:51 pm
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Take her with you to visit an old age home and leave the nonsense behind. It's not a holiday for everyone, but hopefully you can make it work.
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amother
Blueberry
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 1:53 pm
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Have her deliver to people that aren’t popular and can use cheering up. That neighbor or classmate that no one goes to either. I make it a day about giving. We talk a lot about going to those who need it most and it really sets the tone. My kids don’t expect much.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 1:55 pm
| amother Blueberry wrote: | | Have her deliver to people that aren’t popular and can use cheering up. That neighbor or classmate that no one goes to either. I make it a day about giving. We talk a lot about going to those who need it most and it really sets the tone. My kids don’t expect much. |
She is the unpopular one 
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amother
Mistyrose
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:01 pm
This is so painful for a parent to watch. I have 2 girls a year apart. 1 year, my younger daughter got many shalach manos and my older one didn't get. It was so painful, I cried along with her.
The next year, we arranged beforehand who she'll be giving to and getting from.
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amother
Blueberry
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:02 pm
She’s not the only one. There are more you have to figure out who
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amother
DarkCyan
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:02 pm
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Hugs op. This is such a painful thing to bear witness to.
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amother
Freesia
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:06 pm
Sending love.
Purim is actually my least favorite holiday (it kind of stinks) it is all about popularity contests, being cliquey and showing off.
The threads about why should I give my neighbor or don’t tell me that I need to reciprocate- I have boundaries and a right to them…. Make me want to vomit.
I wish everyone would just think how can they make the world a better place, bring more joy, happiness, and inclusion.
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ectomorph
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:20 pm
I can't make Purim easier for you. But maybe you'll sympathize with Boris the Terrible? He also really finds Purim miserable. At the very least, maybe you will laugh.
https://ishayirashashem.substa.....sd=pf
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amother
Dandelion
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:34 pm
My kids are young and thankfully have no concept of "getting" shalach manos (though they were super excited at getting yesterday from grandma) and they make multiple list of who they are giving to.
On this list: a few friends and playdates, single neighbors and other families in building that we dont even know, the doorman, the security guy at their school, our building janitor, their teachers. Ou get the picture. We have prepared all these and they are beyond excited about giving them. And of course, we make them special ones anyhow from us. Yes, along the way they will get but I actually havent even heard them discussing that. Make purim all about the giving and including. It's puts a whole different spin on it. And OP, I'm sorry about the bullying. I went through it myself, it's hellish and awful and just try and be there for your daughter
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best
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:38 pm
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Bring it up with school staff, they can cap the amount each kid gives/receives , assign each kid to 1 random classmate via lottery.
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zaq
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:59 pm
Thank you! I'd never heard of the Abayudaya. What a pleasant way to learn!
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amother
Mistyrose
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 3:01 pm
| best wrote: | | Bring it up with school staff, they can cap the amount each kid gives/receives , assign each kid to 1 random classmate via lottery. |
Schools can't make rules about what kids should do on purim day when there's no school. They don't allow bringing shalach manos for friends to school, but they can't control what goes on purim day.
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amother
Oleander
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 3:22 pm
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Teach your kids to think about others who would appreciate receiving, singles, elderly.. We really focus on giving and not receiving.
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amother
Dandelion
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 3:33 pm
| amother Oleander wrote: | | Teach your kids to think about others who would appreciate receiving, singles, elderly.. We really focus on giving and not receiving. |
This. It's not Halloween. It's purim
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amother
Quince
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 3:50 pm
| amother Freesia wrote: |
Purim is actually my least favorite holiday (it kind of stinks) it is all about popularity contests, being cliquey and showing off.
. |
I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe it's your community. I don't see this here. Here, people give to whomever. Some people make a pile of little packages and give something to anyone they happen to meet in the street for as long as their supply lasts. Some people give to those they don't know well but figure wouldn't be likely to get, like immigrants who are for the most part not observant. And nobody stands around comparing how many and what kind of MM they gave or got. Sure, some folks go all out with a theme including matching costumes, a poem and party favors while others put a cookie and a handful of peanuts in a brown paper bag and call it a day, but nobody is criticizing anyone and everyone has a good time.
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amother
Lilac
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 3:56 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Help me find the joy. It’s just a popularity contest (that we lose miserably!) and one of my kids is being bullied and will probably get no shalach manos. She made 10 to give out but doesn’t have nearly that many acquaintances. I’m suffering watching her suffering. Chizuk please! |
If she knocks on a classmate's door to give m"m, the classmate won't give her back in return?
I really hope that's not what you're saying because that would be beyond terrible. I hope people teach their children better middos than that.
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amother
Freesia
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 4:07 pm
| amother Lilac wrote: | If she knocks on a classmate's door to give m"m, the classmate won't give her back in return?
I really hope that's not what you're saying because that would be beyond terrible. I hope people teach their children better middos than that. |
See my comment on the other thread. That the person things she shouldn’t have to reciprocate. How often is it not the child, but rather the parent that teaches the child to social climb.
I will copy and paste
will never forget when my daughter was younger. We drove across town and brought to her friend. The girls were 6. We got to the house and my daughter very proudly presented the MM. It was kid friendly stuff about two dollars worth not a big deal. The father answers the door and says that the girl is out with her mother delivering. He invites us in. I say no thank you, he insists, it will just take a minute. The dining room table was covered with three different types of types-high end gown up, fancy kid and something regular but nice looking (comparator my $2 bags). There must have been 150 at least. He then consults his list, and says nope, you are not on it, we don’t have one for you. I say no problem, have a wonderful Purim and we walk out the door, the older sister then runs down the driveway and hands my daughter a lollipop. I’ll make so not a big deal of it. Tell my daughter the mitzvah is giving, look at the lollipop is red, they just weren’t expecting us because we live across town, that it is all good.
The next day in carpool, the “popular girl” whose dad is a gevir , from my daughter’s class is talking about how this girl drove over and dropped off the most beautiful MM for her and all the treats inside.
It has been 10 years. I hope my daughter doesn’t remember, but I sure do.
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amother
Lilac
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 4:18 pm
| amother Freesia wrote: | See my comment on the other thread. That the person things she shouldn’t have to reciprocate. How often is it not the child, but rather the parent that teaches the child to social climb.
I will copy and paste
will never forget when my daughter was younger. We drove across town and brought to her friend. The girls were 6. We got to the house and my daughter very proudly presented the MM. It was kid friendly stuff about two dollars worth not a big deal. The father answers the door and says that the girl is out with her mother delivering. He invites us in. I say no thank you, he insists, it will just take a minute. The dining room table was covered with three different types of types-high end gown up, fancy kid and something regular but nice looking (comparator my $2 bags). There must have been 150 at least. He then consults his list, and says nope, you are not on it, we don’t have one for you. I say no problem, have a wonderful Purim and we walk out the door, the older sister then runs down the driveway and hands my daughter a lollipop. I’ll make so not a big deal of it. Tell my daughter the mitzvah is giving, look at the lollipop is red, they just weren’t expecting us because we live across town, that it is all good.
The next day in carpool, the “popular girl” whose dad is a gevir , from my daughter’s class is talking about how this girl drove over and dropped off the most beautiful MM for her and all the treats inside.
It has been 10 years. I hope my daughter doesn’t remember, but I sure do. |
Wow. That is jaw-dropping cluelessness and lack of social skills.
If it were you alone, you could have laughed it off but I'm sure it was painful for your dd. I really don't know what to say, I'm very sorry. I don't think I've ever seen that level of cluelessness mixed with obnoxiousness first-hand, at least not that I can think of right now.
The other suggestion I would make is, assuming you have had some interactions with some of the mothers in the class, suggest that you and dd bring to girls whose mothers you know are nice, normal people. But that was for when your dd was 6, not 16.
At this age, she should give to people who are alone, sadly, there are lots of them out there. Now it's already late but maybe your shul has some suggestions
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amother
Dandelion
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Mon, Mar 06 2023, 4:20 pm
| amother Freesia wrote: | See my comment on the other thread. That the person things she shouldn’t have to reciprocate. How often is it not the child, but rather the parent that teaches the child to social climb.
I will copy and paste
will never forget when my daughter was younger. We drove across town and brought to her friend. The girls were 6. We got to the house and my daughter very proudly presented the MM. It was kid friendly stuff about two dollars worth not a big deal. The father answers the door and says that the girl is out with her mother delivering. He invites us in. I say no thank you, he insists, it will just take a minute. The dining room table was covered with three different types of types-high end gown up, fancy kid and something regular but nice looking (comparator my $2 bags). There must have been 150 at least. He then consults his list, and says nope, you are not on it, we don’t have one for you. I say no problem, have a wonderful Purim and we walk out the door, the older sister then runs down the driveway and hands my daughter a lollipop. I’ll make so not a big deal of it. Tell my daughter the mitzvah is giving, look at the lollipop is red, they just weren’t expecting us because we live across town, that it is all good.
The next day in carpool, the “popular girl” whose dad is a gevir , from my daughter’s class is talking about how this girl drove over and dropped off the most beautiful MM for her and all the treats inside.
It has been 10 years. I hope my daughter doesn’t remember, but I sure do. |
Wow that is sick.
A) I hope you've since moved out of that community
B) I am so glad I'm raising my kids with the understanding that purim is about giving (especially to people who are least likely to receive).
C) we makes extras every year to give throughout the day.
Ugh
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