Am I the only one who dreads Jewish holidays?

amother

Hyacinth

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 6:15 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Op, change tour reality.
And no, not every woman hates every chag.
Here, my husband and I do preparation for chagim together.
And no, its not only the man who goes to ahul and to parties.
Gosh, where I live there actually is a women's purim chagigah.
If you arent happy with how things are, change things.
It doesnt have to be that way.
Why cant husbands also help prepare for any chag? They are able people, right?

Exactly this. My world does not look like OPs at all, by choice. Everyone goes to the Purim party- it's a family chagiga in shul. Not one where women stand around watching men dance. My husband helps with every shabbos and chag- errands, setting up table etc. We both go to shul. In my community there's no feel of a "male- centric YT" in the slightest. If anything, my dh works full time and helps in the house so he ends up working way harder.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 7:06 am

I’m working part time and we have a five month old baby, dh is in kollel.
I was getting stressed about Purim last week so dh went to buy stuff for mishloach manos, and made them for me on Sunday night, they didn’t look how I liked but since he took charge over it I couldn’t really comment.
Bh Purim Seudah is at my parents so I don’t have to worry about that.
I looked after baby while dh was at Megillah last night and he came home and read it for me (it was his first time and he did a great job, I corrected his small number of mistakes) he’ll do the same this morning. Later we will go out to deliver mm to a few friends together.
If dh wants to go to a purim party tonight I don’t mind, I hate parties and prefer to be home relaxing.
On Monday I had work and my babysitter wasn’t working so dh stayed home to do the childcare.
The point is that everyone’s situation and needs are different, you have to communicate with your dh and make arrangements that suit both of you.

amother

Camellia

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 10:23 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

What community is this? Out of town?

tichellady

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 10:39 am

I would hate it the way you are describing it. I go to shul and don't slave away for yontov. but it is a lot of work and especially when I'm pregnant or with a newborn it can feel like too much to handle . I do think most things in life that are beautiful do involve a lot of work. I do hear you and hope you can find some joy in the holidays and find ways to make them work better for you.

JustHavingFun

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 11:13 am

I dread holidays; I can't get excited about them. I'm an older, divorced woman living alone. I am still somewhat reclusive after Covid swept the country. My children live far. Living in a large community it is easy to stay unknown. I hate having to "put myself out there."

This is really hard for me. I used to be excited about holidays, the preparation and hub bub, going to shul. I'm missing out on something, I know, and I'm sad about this. It feels very empty for me without the family component. Doing it just for myself doesn't feel worth the effort. Sure, it's a mitzvah, but I'm the only one it affects.

LovesHashem

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 11:40 am

amother OP wrote:

There. I said it.
There’s so much preparation and work that goes into it and of course the woman is responsible for most of it. It’s so exciting for the men cuz all they have to do is go to shul and maybe to parties while we stay home to prepare mishloach manos and cook for the meal and watch the kids who ofc can’t sleep because of the blasting music outside.
Technically, I can go out also if I wanna take care of cranky, crying, overtired kids.
Ofc there is the option of telling my husband he has to stay home to help instead of going to the party, but what’s the point of having two miserable people at home when you only need one?
Ok rant over thanks for listening
PS. This applies to every yom Tov not just Purim. Why is every yom Tov based around the men going to shul multiple times a day and the woman staying home to take care of the kids and cook and clean…

Husband's cook and prepare Mish loach manos too.
You can hire a babysitter or switch off going out so someone is with the kids.

Even with shul there's plenty of time for men to be around and do stuff. Men can take kids to shul or stay home from shul from time to time if you need the help. Your mental health and sanity is more important than minyan according to my Rav.

My husband changed most of the babies diapers today, helped make and pack Mish loach manos, took the kids and baby out to deliver Mishloach manos for two hours without me while I got some quiet time to chill. He fed the kids dinner today and cleaned them up. He also helped cook for the seudah we are eating out at and is helping set up and clear. Currently he is holding our screaming toddler while I'm on my phone for a bit.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:42 pm

My yiddishkeit has been steadily declining so yeah, I dread yom tov. I’m working today (well, I teach a college class and only teach for one period), and it’s my escape. My husband is probably drunk somewhere. Our kids are older and out the house, far away. I don’t particularly like the people in my community. I do have friends, but I feel like my attitude will bring down their yom tov.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:45 pm

amother Camellia wrote:

What community is this? Out of town?

Im not the one who wrote this but Im the one she was replying to and I will tell you that this is the dati leumi world in Israel and the modern orthodox world outside of israel.
There is no such thing as male centric holiday. Both husband and wife do things to bring the chag in as well as child minding.
Im my yishuv there is a yishuv wide purim party. Not only the men. Thats just not a thing. Why should only the men get to celebrate?

amother

Peru

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 11:44 pm

I hate all the preparation it’s a slavery. I live in LA and the expectation are huge food clothes etc. I don’t have much money and hate it. It’s insane who cooks that much?? I’m sure it’s not part of the tora. You are supposed to put done meat and vegetables and some fruit. I’m just exhausted

amother

Fern

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 11:55 pm

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

Purim yes
It's not a woman's Yom tov
Other ones depends, but when it's overwhelming see where you can cut back to make it easier..

That's funny. DH claims it isn't a man's yom tov. He says that he spends the whole morning watching kids or driving them to various teachers and friends. At least I get to show off my handiwork (mm) at every stop and collect compliments. Finally, at about 3 he gets to drink and has about 3 hours of purim...far cry from his yeshiva days.

Can't say I exactly agree, but 🤷‍♀️...he does his part happily, so I don't really care if he thinks this way.

Maybe its just a kids yom tov?!