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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Why do people always say



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 12:31 am
That the holiday is a "men's" holiday?
I hear this said about Purim, Shavuos and Simchas Torah.
I have never heard that before imamother.
I don't see how these holidays are more for men than any other day.
In my life (and I suspect many of you) there are clearly delineated jobs between dh and me.

I primarily take care of the household chores, childcare and cooking.
He davens 3x a day with a minyan, goes to work and to learn.

He will occasionally help me with my "jobs" but the responsibility is primarily mine. When he helps, it feels like it's more like on a voluntary basis.

I do not daven 3x a day, not with a minyan or without. Nor do I learn..I will occasionally pick up a siddur. But I feel it's more on a voluntary basis.

So Purim is just a more extreme version of our typical day.
Again this is my life.
But I don't see it as men's yom tov, just I don't see every day of the year as a men's day.
On Purim, I am responsible for childcare, cooking etc. But that's my responsibility every day. So too simchas Torah.
I don't mind not going to shul 3x a day.
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amother
Poinsettia


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 12:48 am
In most houses, the woman stay up all night/ work all day preparing shalach manot/ giving shalach manot/ watching crazy kids and the men drink and have fun. It’s a men’s holiday because they get to do all the fun parts with little responsibilities.
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amother
Maize


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 12:49 am
Maybe it depends on the person's circumstances. I spend the day with (sober) dh and kids and find it to be a hectic but enjoyable (with the aid of Motrin) family oriented yom tov. But I can see that if a woman is left alone with all family duties and no one to assist or bring joy into the day, or is left with even more burden than usual (a sloppy drunk dh to care for), it can feel really painful.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 1:37 am
amother Poinsettia wrote:
In most houses, the woman stay up all night/ work all day preparing shalach manot/ giving shalach manot/ watching crazy kids and the men drink and have fun. It’s a men’s holiday because they get to do all the fun parts with little responsibilities.

Please dont generalize by saying in MOST homes. The first time I ever heard of such a phenomenon of a mens holiday was here on imamother. Its so comoletely foreign to me.
Here many men are the ones going around giving thr mishlochei manit, everyone in the family hrlpz to prepare them, not judt women, and I have not been to a seuda in decades where the men get drunk.
The joy and fun and the respinsibilities get shared among the husband and wife. The chag is fun for everyone and the respinsibilities get shared too.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 1:41 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:
Please dont generalize by saying in MOST homes. The first time I ever heard of such a phenomenon of a mens holiday was here on imamother. Its so comoletely foreign to me.
Here many men are the ones going around giving thr mishlochei manit, everyone in the family hrlpz to prepare them, not judt women, and I have not been to a seuda in decades where the men get drunk.
The joy and fun and the respinsibilities get shared among the husband and wife. The chag is fun for everyone and the respinsibilities get shared too.

This.

Purim (or any holiday) being a "man's holiday" is by and large a decision made by specific communities not an inherent part of the holiday.
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NechaMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 1:43 am
amother Maize wrote:
Maybe it depends on the person's circumstances. I spend the day with (sober) dh and kids and find it to be a hectic but enjoyable (with the aid of Motrin) family oriented yom tov. But I can see that if a woman is left alone with all family duties and no one to assist or bring joy into the day, or is left with even more burden than usual (a sloppy drunk dh to care for), it can feel really painful.

Agree.
Maybe it boils down to if the DH gets drunk so he checks out?
Otherwise I don’t see why it’s more on the woman than the man.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 2:07 am
I am yeshivish/chareidi in Israel. DH helps with cleaning, childcare and Mm deliveries purim morning. He only starts drinking a little before the seuda. If the seuda ends early enough, we clean up/ go home and sort out the Mm. The boys might follow him to whichever exciting seuda he wandered over to.
I don’t have any resentment and I’m happy to see the men having a nice time while I’m hanging out with my friends/ daughters across the room. DS11 loves it when all the men are acting his age! The bochurim usually ignore him, now he was totally part of the fun!
I love the seuda since I can just sit and be entertained after running around all day.
This year was way easier since my daughter was able to give her sister an updo (she was a kallah) while I was at Megillah, that saved me time. Also we were invited out, so the food burden wasn’t on me.
DH reorganized he’s learning schedule to make sure I didn’t become a total shmatta. That made a huge difference. As I walked around to deliver Mm, he caught up with me so I could unload and restock from the car.
Basically, we worked together to try to make it enjoyable for as much of the family as possible.
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BadTichelDay




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 2:09 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:
Please dont generalize by saying in MOST homes. The first time I ever heard of such a phenomenon of a mens holiday was here on imamother. Its so comoletely foreign to me.
Here many men are the ones going around giving thr mishlochei manit, everyone in the family hrlpz to prepare them, not judt women, and I have not been to a seuda in decades where the men get drunk.
The joy and fun and the respinsibilities get shared among the husband and wife. The chag is fun for everyone and the respinsibilities get shared too.


Same here. I saw lots of fathers going around with the kids to bring out mishlochei manot. Dh and I split the job. Dh prepared some of the mm. We also took turns with the megilla readings, dh going early and I went to the later womens's readings.

Dh stayed sufficiently sober and functional until the se'udah, which started only in the afternoon. He always does it like that, and so do other husbands and fathers in our neighborhood. After that I didn't mind him drinking some more, because I went home with the kids and all the obligations of the day were "done".
For the most part, only young guys, bachurim, get drunk already early in the day here.

It's a couples'/community decision. For us, it is a fun day for everyone.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 4:53 am
Purim is not a man's holiday in my house.

DH does most of the cooking/baking for our m"m. He also baked hamentashen with the kids just for fun over the weekend. I bought all the ingredients and the pretty bags and coordinating tissue paper. DH and teenage DD composed the message together to explain our theme.

We don't have babies at home anymore so we went to megillah all together at night. I had the kids with me and took them to the shul party afterwards and DH went straight home to break his fast in peace and quiet. We got the younger kids to bed and then worked together to put the final touches on our m"m. There were neighborhood parties but neither of us wanted to attend.

Purim morning DH and teenage DD went to the 6:30 AM minyan and I took the younger kids to a 9 AM megillah. DH and DD loaded up one car (borrowed from my parents) with m"m and did the majority of the deliveries while I was out with the younger kids and then at home making sure they ate a proper breakfast before starting on all the nosh they get on Purim. Then the younger kids all had class meetups or set times to visit teachers and I did those rounds and then back home for lunch. We then packed up the remaining m"m to deliver all together to the further areas on our way to our seuda. We had a lovely meal with my in laws at which DH had some wine, but not enough to be a problem. I drove us home and DH was able to help me get the kids to bed.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 5:42 am
DH was super helpful for everything before and during.
I am a little annoyed that he got to go out to the shul party and I had to miss it all while I had to stay home and watch the kids and do bedtime. But it's not like was slacking off all day. I will take another night out that's just for me.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 8:51 am
Thank you everyone.
Although we all have different circumstances, the yom tov should be for everyone.
It makes ot sounds so negative when you say it's a "mans" holiday, or a "kids holiday".
It's a holiday for everyone, and each person can make it meaningful for themselves.
I had peiple in my house all day yesterday, men and women. Everyone was enjoying in their own way.
It simply never occured to me to think that it's a man's holiday.
True, I don't drink and get dressed up, but I don't like to do those things anyway.
I fulfilled the 4 mitzvos of Purim, and I had equal opportunity to connect to Hashem on Purim.
I loved taking pictures of the kids in their costumes, greeting my guests, and checking out all the cute mishloach manos.
It is very much a woman's holiday as well.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 9:02 am
I’m Chassidish and I can definitely say my husband takes on just as much if not more responsibilities to yom tov as me.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 9:14 am
Ok I'll bite...

Where I live there are tons of parties just for men. I don't mind at all because I love being home with my kids and I'm not much of a party person to begin with... but I can see that some women might mind.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 10:17 am
I think it's because in many homes the woman is the default parent and cook. On a day when maybe the men have a different kind of day the woman is still doing her "same old" responsibilities that are even harder because of the chaos of the day.
Also the whole drunk thing breeds resentment in many because the men are getting drunk (women aren't supposed to get drunk) and the women are left to do....see point one.
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chanatron1000




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 10:18 am
Many men get so drunk they need a babysitter on top of everything else.
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amother
Wallflower


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 6:02 pm
I work very hard shopping planning and putting together MM. Same thing making the seudah. Dh does deliveries with the kids and cleans up after the seudah when asked. We both work hard on Purim day but I do a lot more work overall for Purim that’s spread out beforehand and involves planning and deciding and preparing. I don’t feel it’s a men’s holiday but I wish dh could share in the pre-Purim prep more. Maybe next year.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 6:09 pm
I can't believe no one's mentioned women drinking. At our seudot with friends women and men are equal opportunity drinkers. No one gets passed out drunk, but definitely everyone who wants to be is mellow
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 6:25 pm
Because for some people the grass is always greener on the other side.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 6:33 pm
heidi wrote:
I can't believe no one's mentioned women drinking. At our seudot with friends women and men are equal opportunity drinkers. No one gets passed out drunk, but definitely everyone who wants to be is mellow


We drive to our seudos so at least 1 parent needs to not drink.
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Wed, Mar 08 2023, 6:35 pm
amother Poinsettia wrote:
In most houses, the woman stay up all night/ work all day preparing shalach manot/ giving shalach manot/ watching crazy kids and the men drink and have fun. It’s a men’s holiday because they get to do all the fun parts with little responsibilities.


? Not "most" by any means. Where I live not one household fits this description.
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