Independence by age

shaqued_almond

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 8:44 pm

Hello,
Can someone please share a list of tasks children should generally be doing by themselves at a certain age?
Examples: wiping after bathroom, brush teeth, dress up, brush hair etc.
When I asked my parents they just tell me " it was a process." They don't remember.

BrisketBoss

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 8:48 pm

All of these are on average about ages 4-7 I think, but it won't necessarily be consistent at first. Don't worry too much about what they 'should' be doing. "It's a process" is a good way to put it.

I probably didn't brush my hair until I was a teenager...I was very stubborn. :-)

mushkamothers

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:05 pm

It depends when you let them do things and if you set them up for success. It is a process but you can begin it earlier and scaffold the steps. For example:

*edit I do Montessori but my point is that most of these habits can be started as toddlers and then the process is in refining it.

25 months old - removes and puts on shoes independently. Pulls off clothing with assistance, puts on with assistance. Feeds with fork, spoon, and cup independently. Brings stepstool to reach what he wants or turn lights on and off or fill his own water cup from water machine or reach silverware in drawer. Brushes teeth if I squeeze toothpaste. Puts dirty clothing in hamper. Carries items to table. Hangs up coat when he comes in. Can use a small sized broom and dustpan (not very well obviously) and spritz water spray/wipe with shmatte. Can use a kid knife and self serve from serving dish with a serving spoon.

3.5 - I still wipe for poop but otherwise self toilets. Does all of above. Independent dressing and undressing (sometimes needs help putting on socks) puts on his own coat, needs help with zipper. Dries himself off with bathrobe. Hangs up coat and backpack.

6y old - does all of above. bathes himself from beginning to end including soap and reaching for/drying off with bathrobe. Gets dressed head to toe. Sets the shabbos table. Swept up a mess yesterday in his room.

shaqued_almond

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:18 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I don't want to expect too little of them either though. I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I feel I need some clearer guidelines.

amother

Brickred

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:20 pm

I’m not so into pushing independence, it’s not a value to me. For example, I get my kids dressed until they insist on doing it themselves, it’s faster that way. My first grader does all the same things as Mushkamothers. So I can’t say that it matters.

BrisketBoss

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:24 pm

shaqued_almond wrote:

I don't want to expect too little of them either though. I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I feel I need some clearer guidelines.

Be in tune with your child. Give them some openings to contribute to the process like mushka said. In fact, RIE parenting recommends gaining cooperation with diaper changes from birth at the infant's own level. But also don't stress over it. Make things part of the routine, and your child should get there when they're ready. It's not your parental duty to push it and it might not even work.

mushkamothers

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:24 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

It's my belief and experience that if a kid CAN do it, they SHOULD do it. Ie they should be given the opportunity. I do also help my kids get dressed, and bathed, and I serve them etc if they ask or we're in a rush. But they're capable so I let them and enable them to do it. Will we all grow up to be adults who can put on our own shoes- of course. But the competence and self-confidence that comes from a young child who's empowered and enabled... that's a lifelong gift. "Help me do it myself" is the motto not like "make them be little adults".

mushkamothers

Sat, Mar 11 2023, 9:26 pm

shaqued_almond wrote:

I don't want to expect too little of them either though. I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I feel I need some clearer guidelines.

The first thing you can do is simply see what they're either capable of, or asking to do themselves.