How to raise children to be grateful for what we parents do?

giftedmom

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 12:25 pm

I try to foster independence to an age appropriate level and not do everything for them all the time. More than gratefulness I want them to be able to take care of themselves as well as possible so if for whatever reason I’m not available they don’t fall apart.

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 12:32 pm

Fox wrote:

As Moonstone said, the only way is to treat your parents the way you want to be treated.

Your kids must see you making yourself uncomfortable on behalf of your parents. They must see you doing things you'd prefer not to do with a leiv simcha. They must see you elevating your parents' desires above your own convenience.

Yes, it can be difficult when one or more parties is dysfunctional or unreasonable in some way. Nevertheless, you have to find a way.

Suppose a parent s-xually abused a child?

amother

Snow

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 12:36 pm

Rappel wrote:

I'm pouring your cereal. You know why? Because I love you!
I'm looking for your pencil case... Because I love you!
I'm washing your shirts... You know why? Because I love you!
I'm washing the floor. You know why? Because I love you!
I'm going food shopping. You know why? Because I love you!
I'm

This to me is a very interesting answer. And I dont agree. Just because a parent tells their child that they do something for them because they love them does not mean that child will be or is grateful to the parent. To me that just shows that the parent loves the child.
You can have parents who dont really vocalize their love but show their children their love in actions and those children can learn about being grateful just as much or even more.

amother

Wine

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 12:39 pm

I don’t do things for my children so that they are grateful. I never expect or demand gratitude.
However , my children have shown from young age that they are grateful for what I do. Nobody told them. Before they could write they would draw pictures on Thank you cards to express all the things they are thankful for that I do. As they got older , they would spend hours writing thank you letters to me or using every last dime they had to buy me thank you presents.
On Taanis Esther I was super overwhelmed . I was working , the kids were all home , I was trying to juggle Pre Purim cooking , preparing and preparing my kids lunch etc.
My 4 yr old was waiting for lunch , and I explained I would make her lunch as soon as I was finished XY and Z . And suddenly she piped up “Woah! Mommy you really work so hard and do SO many things!”. She noticed and acknowledged. She often asks “Coyld I give you a compliment?” And I’ll say sure and she’ll say something like “I never tasted such delicious chicken before “, even though she tasted it many times.
I don’t have a great relationship with my parents and my kids know it . But I do go out of my way often to be there for them. Not because of Hakaras hatov. More because I feel bad and feel it’s the right thing to do.

BatyaEsther

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 12:56 pm

Both you and DH need to say thank you to each other and to the kids.
Say thank you to the cashier/postal worker/bus driver.

Tell your children that you do the things you do because you love them.

Don’t hid how much work things are or that some things are challenges.

Volunteer. Volunteer. Volunteer.

Discuss appreciation at the dinner and Shabbos table. (“That was so nice of Rabbi Cohen to call me back and answer my shaila about the fork so quickly-I know he does so much in the community and has his own family”)

amother

Wine

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:01 pm

BatyaEsther wrote:

You just reminded me , we do a lot of Thanking HaShem on our home. If a taxi shows up way before expected I say “Thank you HaShem for sending the taxi so that we don’t have to wait too long in the cold”.
Or “Thank you HaShem for helping me find the answer and now I could sign off of work relaxed knowing it was taken care of”.
My kids naturally thank HaShem all the time for the most minute things. I’m assuming that trickles down to parents and everyone else.

Fox

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:06 pm

amother Blueberry wrote:

Suppose a parent s-xually abused a child?

Then one needs to speak with a rav to determine a course of action that protects the adult child and grandchild both physically and emotionally while still finding ways to model hakores hatov to parents.

There are lots of things that make modeling hakores hatov to our parents very challenging -- most less extreme than abuse, fortunately. But the answer in extreme cases is not to ignore the problem; rather, to find appropriate alternatives.

amother

Holly

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:10 pm

amother Wine wrote:

You are 100% correct. I cannot believe I failed to mention thanking Hashem. Here we thank Hashem for the avocado being perfectly ripe, to finding a parking space/making traffic lights when we are fearful of being late to carpool, to finding a pad in the bottom of my purse when a DD needs one unexpectedly.

essie14

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:14 pm

When we visited my grandparents when I was a child, my mother never showed up empty handed (we lived far away so it wasn't like we visited every week).

I do the same when we visit my parents and DD sees it. I usually enlist her help in picking out a gift for Bubby.

I make sure to tell her how grateful we are that Bubby hosted us.

We thank every worker in a store or elsewhere. I always tell her, "wasn't that so nice that the sales lady helped us pick out XYZ?"

Basically I model gratitude to her whenever I can.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:27 pm

Ask me in 10 years how things worked out.

But what I learned from my own upbringing is that being independent as young as possible teaches appreciation for the work involved for that particular task. I was raised to be very independent, I worked full time & paid my way from age 18, took public transit from way younger, shopped, cooked, cleaned, ran errands, helped my parent's business. Basically I was treated like an adult. I didnt do much on a daily basis & didn't carry the responsibility but I was taught how to do those tasks & more importantly the confidence that I was trusted & capable. I'm constantly baffled by posts of young adults not understanding that they're not kids anymore & parents don't need to cater to you anymore.

Being sheltered & married young is really no excuse.

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 1:58 pm

Fox wrote:

Most Rabbonim will suggest no contact.