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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
I have NO ONE to tell:(.. my son was suspended fr
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 15 2022, 9:11 pm
does it help to know you're not alone? My son is almost 16...... suspended countless times from public school (he has autism, adhd, the whole alphabet soup---- Jewish school was never an option from the get go even with a 1:1)...... then got expelled from public school so they bounced him to a behavior program. The behavior program is babysitting him very nicely (only suspended him ONCE between 4th and 10th grades), but not properly educating him so I'm pretty certain that after this school year we'll homeschool for 11th and 12th. Which SUCKS, but if public can't handle his behaviors and the behavior school can't handle his academics and I've been fighting through a zillion IEP meetings and at home his behaviors are horrendous and he's not my only special needs child------ I'm TIRED.

We do therapy every Tuesday and interdisciplinary team through a behavior team from the county board of dd every Wednesday, and currently he's on 5 heavy doses of mood altering meds. We no longer get the **** beaten out of us EVERY day. yay.

Hugs, and I get it. You are not alone.
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amother
Lightgreen


 

Post Thu, Dec 15 2022, 9:24 pm
OP if you live in New York... when you are in a calmer frame of mind maybe you'd like to hear about Ohr Dovid / Haor Beacon school? They are literally saviors for children like this. My son is there and it's turned his life around! He had issues like aggression, etc in school all the time before we made the switch.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Thu, Dec 15 2022, 10:19 pm
šŸ¤— (hugging emoji)
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:12 am
It happened again Crying

I was on tenterhooks all day after winter break and finally it happened.

Ugh ugh ugh
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amother
Peru


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:16 am
amother NeonPurple wrote:
Op, when my son was suspended I was shaking. None of my kids or brothers were ever suspended. I was so distraught. My son was suspended together with another boy. After a few days I reached out to mother. We actually both felt that the situation wasnā€™t dealt with properly. I was inspired by the other mother who said she will spend quality time with her son. Her plans were to take him shopping for much needed clothing, go out for lunch, buy him ice creamā€¦. I was so glad I spoke with her. My plan was to have my son sit in his room bored because he was officially punished. At the end he went back to school feeling good about himself and enjoying a little extra attention. I took the opportunity to go over what went wrong with how he acted the day he was suspended and he realized how he could have acted better. Had I not shown him love and TLC he probably wouldnā€™t have been receptive to my mussar.
Your son was born with his challenges. Itā€™s hard for him in the big world. People donā€™t understand him. Donā€™t spend the week punishing him. Spend extra time showing him love and he will be more receptive to change.


I donā€™t know about where you live, but in my country the point of suspension is to remove the child from the situation that is obviously triggering and/or laden with conflict. After the separation there should be a meeting with all parties about how to proceed
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 6:53 am
There is one thing I'm really curious about... Because this often happens with children (also teens) who are SN or whatever. Does he get bullied are there other boys who are teasing him so they can get the reaction out of it?
I have examples of my high school years (secular high school) where I threw a table after being teased and challenged in secret by some kids in my class. It was always in silence, they were mocking me and being mean but I didn't say anything and I didn't do anything and the teachers never noticed until I got aggressive and I was punished... Now was the school for children who were too good for special education but no other school wanted us but it was really emphasized to me that I couldn't understand teasing and bullying, that I had to sit out of the class or got another punishment because I was such a smart girl and any other stupid argument. And with my scolding, throwing a table, and aggressive behavior I would never go to higher levels of education ( I did šŸ˜)... So there is a stigma about how some teachers look at you when they know you have ADHD, ADD or ASD and some teachers just want you to see as 'difficult' and this is how they manage the class that the ''diffiuclt' child always gets punished or expelled. I wasn't always that aggressive or angry I was in a few classes when I went to another school teachers respected me despite a diagnosis.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:09 am
Thanks, I hope not.

My son has Asd.
Im sorry for what you went through.
I can definitely relate to your experiences with my son.

Everyone is on board with us. The teachers.
Theres only one 'old school' teacher who is not on the same page . He beleives in discipline all the time and no funny business. but thankfully hes not really involved in decisions even though he is in my sons roo.
Though he is 100% a trigger for my son just by being in the classroom!!
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amother
Natural


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:35 am
amother OP wrote:
It happened again Crying

I was on tenterhooks all day after winter break and finally it happened.

Ugh ugh ugh


Hugs.

I have dealt with this kind of thing with both my boys.

With the older, after a few incidents, I was lucky enough to get the advice to call the right rav for hadracha.

He told me something like this: "No matter how upset and embarrassed you may feel, all that has to be put aside, because Hashem gave this boy to you. His behavior is a result of whatever he is struggling with, and you and your DH can work on those problems as best you can.

But he was not put on this earth to bring you nachas.

Rather, you were given each other because that was best. You have to believe that you are worthy, and that he is worthy. You are your son's coach and advocate. Don't let anything stand in the way of that."

I found that conversation was life changing. I wish I could say I completely stopped seeing DS as a source of embarrassment and pain, but it did get to be a lot less. And I do have the tools to get past my own waves of negativity when they hit.

IME, there are plenty of less competent ed psych people out there. If your problem isn't solved yet, you may still need to keep looking for the right shaliach. Or, the problem may be that you're not willing to follow advice that would help. You'll have to think carefully -- deep down. Who has been successful at making progress?

Think about who you respect and trust, and what they are telling you. If there is nobody, you need to research different help. If there are people you know are good but you don't like what they're saying, maybe it's time to give in. Sometimes, a teen who is consistently violent does best in a program where they live away from home. Sometimes, there is a different local option.
If you have been told your DS might benefit from such a step, listen to those who have helped you, and follow their advice as to how to work to get him into the right setting.

Get a therapist for yourself to help you process your own feelings, if needed.

Because we, as parents, have incredible influence over our kids in some ways -- and can be completely helpless in others. Knowing which is which, and not taking things personally, is a journey worth pursuing.


Last edited by amother on Fri, Jan 06 2023, 1:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Lemonlime


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 8:06 am
I will add to the above posters by saying that:

A) I know you may have gone to all the people, and gotten no good answers, and/or that...

B) The feedback you may have gotten about possible alternate schooling and the like has not been implemented while it could be the right thing for him in certain important ways, it is also likely the wrong things in other ways, ways that have nothing to do with stigma. Sometimes there has to be a good enough reason for the risk.

C) Definitely look into either bullying or if there are any other major stressors that are too much for him. Yes, he needs to not be physical when stressed. But he also may not have the skills to talk about it. I assume those are being worked on to the extent that's possible, and in the mean, it can mean having to figure it out yourselves. Which is so hard.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 9:50 am
amother wrote:


With the older, after a few incidents, I was lucky enough to get the advice to call the right rav for hadracha.

He told me something like this: "No matter how upset and embarrassed you may feel, all that has to be put aside, because Hashem gave this boy to you. His behavior is a result of whatever he is struggling with, and you and your DH can work on those problems as best you can.

But he was not put on this earth to bring you nachas.

Rather, you were given each other because that was best. You have to believe that you are worthy, and that he is worthy. You are your son's coach and advocate. Don't let anything stand in the way of that."

I found that conversation was life changing. I wish I could say I completely stopped seeing DS as a source of embarrassment and pain, but it did get to be a lot less. And I do have the tools to get past my own waves of negativity when they hit.
.


Thanks, Iā€™m not the Op but this post has given me lots of much needed chizzuk and food for thought.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:09 pm
Op if you are near Brooklyn please for your sake and for your child, look into switching your son to yeshiva ohr dovid. Pm me if you want more information
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amother
Lightgreen


 

Post Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:32 pm
naomi2 wrote:
Op if you are near Brooklyn please for your sake and for your child, look into switching your son to yeshiva ohr dovid. Pm me if you want more information

Wholeheartedly second this!! Even if you are not near Brooklyn, but somewhere in driving distance... there are kids there from all over tri-state area. 5T, Queens, Even Passaic, Lakewood
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mom24b




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 11:26 pm
For those responding in support of ohr dovid beacon can you please tell me more about it . What student body they cater to and what challenges the students posses ? Do they socialize and have friends? Do you feel the administration is approachable and easy to speak with when advocating for your son ? Where do they go for highschool? Do they mainstream ?
Sorry I am throwing so many pointed, direct questions at you. My husband (who doesnā€™t have any real knowledge of these things) heard about the school and is trying to pressure me to send my 11yr old son there. My son has ADHD and anxiety that can manifest in ā€œbehavioral challenges ā€œ. I donā€™t think it would serve him well to be in a classroom that is not mainstreamed. I donā€™t see how this can be beneficial to someone like my son but according to my husband there are many ppl with similar kids who send to ohr Dovid snd have had fabulous resultsā€¦. Iā€™m very curious to hear all you can share as I donā€™t understand how their model (at least what I have read about it) can benefit kids like my sonā€¦..
Feel free to PM me.It is really important for me to hear experiences and anything you can share ā€¦
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