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Forum -> Working Women -> Work at Home Mothers
Work at home frustration
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 5:41 pm
First thing to do is to work out of the house. If the kids are being neglected even when you are not there then that's another discussion that needs to be addressed.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 5:42 pm
amother OP wrote:
I think you're right. But, when I worked in the office I too often came home to 2 screaming hungry kids with dirty diapers...my husband sits and uses his phone and believes the kids should be occupying thenselves.
And working at night would be a fast track to resentment for me because I am tired and need my little bit of downtime, especially since my baby still wakes up unpredictably.


Does he really believe that about toddlers and infants or is he being passive aggressive about the situation? You need to have a heart to heart with him.
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amother
Lightcyan


 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:54 pm
As someone who works from home until 6:00, no babysitter, with kids aged 1, 3, 5 and 7, and my husband gets home after I'm done working... My work is a bit more flexible, I almost always have more time than I need to do my work so I don't sweat it when my kids need a little time.

Some ideas

Be a little more flexible about your work hours. Take yourself off the clock maybe 15 minutes every hour and work an extra half hour at the end. Use the 15 minutes to change diapers, give snacks, set up toys or games.

This isn't an option I have but since your husband is home maybe set up specific times where he gives 15 minutes straight to the kids. If you alternate giving 15 min every half hour more or less the rest of the time should be good.

If you have meetings, put on uncle moishy. It won't kill your kids. That's what I do for my biweekly meetings with my manager.

Remember your kids will soon be older and better at entertaining each other.

Be chilled as you can about crafts. Let them make a mess with crayons and stickers.

I found that working in my room with the door locked is counterproductive. It wastes the least amount of time if I sit with my kids and deal with each crises as it arises.

Food is the best distraction... Delay dinner a little so they get an appetite back.

Honestly my husband probably wouldn't be much more help then yours. I think guys are just not moms and have less patience for small children.
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 8:45 pm
I'd specifically ask him to change all diapers at 2:00 and pack what he needs to take them out of the house. Diapers, snacks, sippy cups, bottles...... in nice weather they can go for a walk (youngest two in a double stroller) and then browse a store or two. In not nice weather they can walk around the mall, hit storytime at the library, visit friends or family. Toy aisles at Target and Walmart can kill some time. A nice drive can kill some time, etc etc. They don't have to stay out for all 2 hours but when they come home maybe they'll be calmer, snacked up, and excited to see their toys.

Also--- nice weather--- playground! Not nice weather--- mall indoor play area! Even the four year old can enjoy that with little games--- I remember when my kids were around 4 there was an alphabet rug in the mall play area..... and I'd say hop to the G. Put your hand on the H! Jump on the Q four times! etc etc. He can even do that while sitting on the bench. But he needs to put away his phone. Kollel guys have smart phones? I honestly don't know--- we're modern and my husband has a smart phone. But I thought kollelim have rules about this stuff.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 8:47 pm
TwinsMommy wrote:
I'd specifically ask him to change all diapers at 2:00 and pack what he needs to take them out of the house. Diapers, snacks, sippy cups, bottles...... in nice weather they can go for a walk (youngest two in a double stroller) and then browse a store or two. In not nice weather they can walk around the mall, hit storytime at the library, visit friends or family. Toy aisles at Target and Walmart can kill some time. A nice drive can kill some time, etc etc. They don't have to stay out for all 2 hours but when they come home maybe they'll be calmer, snacked up, and excited to see their toys.

Also--- nice weather--- playground! Not nice weather--- mall indoor play area! Even the four year old can enjoy that with little games--- I remember when my kids were around 4 there was an alphabet rug in the mall play area..... and I'd say hop to the G. Put your hand on the H! Jump on the Q four times! etc etc. He can even do that while sitting on the bench. But he needs to put away his phone. Kollel guys have smart phones? I honestly don't know--- we're modern and my husband has a smart phone. But I thought kollelim have rules about this stuff.


this is good advice
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amother
Cappuccino


 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 9:48 pm
You won’t change him.
I would just cut my official hours and not work until 4.
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amother
Nasturtium


 

Post Tue, Mar 14 2023, 10:07 pm
Some guys (and some gals, too, if we are being quite honest) really struggle with unstructured time with kids. It is very hard to entertain children when there are no natural routines.

2-4 is a pretty dead time and not everybody is cut out to sit on the floor playing. Starting from 4, you've got the whole evening, dinner, bathtubs, bedtime routine which is so much more structured.

I think you need to explore what's going on here with DH in a curious, non-judgmental fashion. I'm sure he is eager and willing to contribute to the household functioning, but it is important to play on his strengths. It doesn't sound like childcare is his strength and you might want to:
*brainstorm ways to make things calmer and more functional: could be that you need to work out of the house, DH might need better ideas or supplies for activities, etc., DH might need to be taught what physical needs the kidsmay have: snacks, bathroom, diapers, etc. (I sometimes work at home and DH begs me to leave the house! He says that the kids are happy and fine with him, but knowing that I'm unavailable but nearby is very confusing for the kids. I often see it in the reverse when he has to take an important phone call at home or similar.)
*determine if it makes more sense for everyone if you outsource this parental responsibility (afternoon babysitter and DH takes on a side job to pay for it if funds are limited)
*reallocate responsibilities so that you can do this childcare and make up the work a different time (evenings), and DH takes on other household responsibilities for which he is better suited (e.g. shopping, laundry, cleaning, etc.)
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