Am I in denial, or do I just know my kid?

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 8:22 am

OP, there was a time when my ds was suggested we transfer him to a school for kids with special needs. Actually it was in 5th or 6th grade, just when the gemara gets more intensive. The recommendation was made by the rebbe who pulled boys out of class for extra help with gemara since they were having difficulty in class. He was basically admitting that he couldn't teach my ds.

I thought his suggestion was crazy, and like you, I questioned whether I was in denial, but it did motivate me to change tactics and stop relying on the school for anything.

Today he's b"h thriving in a mainstream yeshiva h.s., his rebbeim all love him and yes, he very likely does have some sort of learning disability but keeping him where he was with extra support was absolutely the right decision. Looking back, it's clear that the suggestion to put him into a special school really was crazy. I'm so happy I trusted my instincts.

Hatzlocha.

amother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 12:11 pm

Thank you everyone for your perspectives and sharing your experiences.
For those who were in similar situations, and kept your child in a mainstream school, did you second guess yourself along the way? Like when your child would say the work is hard ( something that neuro-typical students say as well and is totally healthy ) ? Or is it the kind of thing you have to just keep in mind to see if it is interfering with their quality of life, and then reroute if necessary?
I wish the school would say to me “ your son is a sweet, social boy, you are supportive parents and we will work with you to do the best that we can to support him”
Oh well….

amother

Bronze

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 1:26 pm

Get another evaluation elsewhere. Consult with more professionals. Talk to the schools this school is directing you to and find out their perspective.

Imo you just don’t have enough info to make the right decision.

DD’s school strongly felt that she needed to attend a particular program, during school hours, for several months. After consulting with lots of different professionals we decided to go for it, even though as a parent I thought she was doing well enough in the classroom. As parents we have our intuition, and yes, we know our child best, but do we know the classroom best, or have the years of experience to know what kids with these particular struggles will benefit from? No, that’s what we pay professionals for.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 2:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think it's important for you to try to parse out what his exact difficulty or difficulties are. You said he scored higher in the language area of the test. Was that score on its own within average? Meaning, not when averaged together with the results of the rest of the test.

You also mentioned anxiety. Did he report feeling anxious when he did the testing? My ds had a friend who had high anxiety that impacted his classroom performance and his test taking, to the extent that his grades and performance were so poor that the school also thought he needed special ed. His parents found him a therapist who specialized in addressing school and test-taking related anxiety. I think beginning around 6th or 7th grade. I'm not sure how long he went for the weekly therapy but he's finishing high school now and has been a straight A student for the last few years afaik.

amother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 4:08 pm

It is very hard to parse out how much his anxiety ( and learned avoidant behavior ) played a part in the test taking. The tester himself acknowledged that.
He just started on anxiety meds a few weeks ago ( but is now having stomach aches, so we may have to experiment with changing meds).
I feel like as long as it is even a possibility that the anxiety is exacerbating his academic and performance ( and being very very quiet in class) we need to continue to address that before a drastic move is made to switch schools.
The verbal component was higher for him , but still in the low average range.

amother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 4:12 pm

amother Bronze wrote:

I appreciate you sharing this.
It’s great that your DD’s school saw where the deficit was and was able to recommend a specific program. In this case, the school is saying - just go to Beis Hachinuch ( in monsey) because it’s smaller classes etc.,
I went to check it out back in January, and while it seems like a sweet place, and everyone was so nice, my son would not fit in for several reasons.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 4:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I do believe that mothers know their kids and if this is your instinct from knowing your son, that his anxiety is affecting his performance, then you should follow it. It could be that his overall testing and scoring was very much affected by the anxiety.

Btw, you also mentioned o/t earlier. That often goes together with anxiety from what I understand. But I would definitely look into therapy for anxiety, not only meds.

amother

Mintgreen

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:22 pm

Op you sound like an incredible mom. Im a School Psychologist. My child is brilliant. Gets all A or 90's. Socially a wreck.

I would not change his school because what you are describing is a child who is socially with it and has friends.

I test students constantly. I can't tell you how many students with low IQ and academics did so well in the real world. Social skills, getting along with others, having friends is one really good predictor of how a person will do in life. Kids also compensate.

Do what you can academically with tutors (if you can afford!) and working with him at home. Start thinking about after high school which area he will suceed best. What are his stregnths. We already know his weaknesses.

Im not a Navi. Between having a supportive and loving home life, and his social stregnths, he will be great! Just get him through h.s.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:38 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

If he does have learning disabilities then why was it a crazy idea? As much as we do know our kids it is easy to have blind spots with them, and it can be really hard as a parent to admit our child is struggling and needs extra help.

#BestBubby

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 5:45 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

I'm not an expert, but imho academic success is not the most important thing. He has a whole life ahead of him IY"H. If he is happy, has friends, and is making progress I would leave him where he is.

If the academic struggles are making him miserable, I'd reconsider, but even if he does not learn well there now it doesn't mean he won't be able to later. In years to come he can certainly use online shiurim and other educational tools to further his Jewish education, right now the primary goal is that he loves and lives his Yiddishket and grows to be a mentch.

I am a SEIT, and I agree that if a child is doing well socially. And is not disturbing the class he should remain in a mainstream setting.

Academic skills are NOT the most important,
Social skills,are.

Kids in special schools usually are immature. Poor social skills and likely have a negative effect on sons behavior.

The school should give you a copy of the test to help you prepare son for test.

Of course only parent should have control of the test so it cannot be shown to classmates.

amother

Green

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 6:27 pm

I put my child in a special program for 5th grade. Worst move ever. Don't do it. Dont make my mistake. The frum bais hachinuch programs are awful, they really dont have enough money to adequately address each childs issues and many kids have intense behavioral issues even tho they say it's just for weak academics. Theres barely any learning going on.
Try to put in place the support u can and then tune out the schools negativity and disinterest.

amother

Wed, Mar 15 2023, 6:48 pm

I am so grateful for all of these posts!
I just had a phone conference with his Gemara rebbe. Yes, it’s a small group ( 7 or so students) and he said he is doing really nicely. I’ve seen his grades through the year/ BH all mid 80’s - 90’s.
I asked straight out of DS is an outlier in the group in terms of his abilities and he said absolutely not.
This Rebbe gives HW every night, and partners with the parents and I think that is the piece that makes such a difference.
I brought up the situation with him “ off the record” and he said he was upset that the school was asking DS to heave now. It’s one thing if they would have suggested in 3rd or 4th, but he feels that to do that now, is not a good idea. He is happy in school, smiling and with friends and is showing progress, at least in Gemara.
I know the conferences with the other teachers will not be positive . But at least we know that with support, and communication my boy can learn!