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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teenagers Missing School
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:22 pm
I wonder if it also depends on how strong of a student your kid is. I have a son that could miss two years of school and miss nothing so I could see how I could convince myself that its no big deal to stay home here and there if I was feeling desperate. With a kid who really struggles you may not feel as good about it.

There are a few women in my city that take drop off babysitting in the morning but no one goes past 1pm when playgroups are over. So if you need an afternoon babysitter good luck it doesn't exist. I can really see it from both sides even though I would twist myself into a pretzel before I did it myself.
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amother
Geranium


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:24 pm
amother Mistyrose wrote:
Not ok barring a once in the blue emergency. They belong in school they are not parents little helpers. I can’t believe this is widespread. So horrifying.


This reminds me of an encounter today at the dressing stalls of a local frum store.

Woman 1- Your daughter is so sweet! She’s gotten so big! How old is she?
Woman 2- she’s 16.
Woman 1- She must be helping so much! How old is your next helper?
Woman 2- 8.
Woman 1- oh that’s not very big.
Woman 2- yes, but she actually helps by watching the baby.

Seriously women? Your daughters’ identities are all about helping?

Sad
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:24 pm
amother OP wrote:
A boy can learn at home.
And the girls "job" is to go to school and get educated. A parents responsibility is to facilitate that.
Keeping your kids home feels wrong to me.


Your approach is completely valid, and there are plenty of parents who agree with you. Trust your mother's intuition about what is right for your family.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:50 pm
I do it when it specifically works for the girl. It's like my midde girl missing most of shul for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur to watch my littles so I can daven or fast well, because she doesn't tolerate long periods of time in shul, and prefers to be helpful instead of being there. So if she needs a mental health day anyway, or just to go in a bit late at the end of a hard week, we night agree that she watches the baby while I go to an early appointment and then I take her to school, or the like.

There are many girls in my girls' classes who have arrangements to be there for a family they're close with when they have a baby, regardless of whether they are in school- and it's the girl's choice. I think it's ok if she wants and it's in moderation.

Note- for high schools that go all the way until the week of Pesach and dontguve the girls that extra week before, it is very common for girls to stay home or leave early at least one day to help. Sometimes they're cleaning, sometimes they're taking the kids to the park
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amother
Maize


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:53 pm
Depends a lot on high school. My dd had to have a valid excuse to be excused!

One of my neighbors told my girls how the week her mother had a baby(double digit ++)and she told principal she didn't do her report because she was needed at home, principal said it was not a valid reason. Surprised (she was not absent, she just couldn't do her report!!!) Very frum high school in lakewood!

In my girls elementary school they often ask higher grades(7&8th) to watch a class or help out in preschool!
If they have no problem having my dd miss school, why should I have a problem with it? (they're A+ students and catch up very quickly!)
It's a personal choice and really nobody's business but the parents. School should only get involved in extreme cases(if it happens too often...)
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:04 pm
I'll be the odd one out here.

My kids stay home whenever they want. My smarter dds make up the work no problem and my chilled dd couldn't care less about academics so who cares. One dd doesn't like missing school so she's makpid to come and go on time. I have no problem taking them out for a day of shopping, picking them up early for appointments that I purposely schedule so they can get out early, and letting them leave early to do pickups and babysit for an aunt that went out of town (they beg to do it) or just whenever. And I'm a teacher, btw.

I think being "horrified" is overreacting. To each their own but if my kids are happier this way then who cares?
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amother
Crocus


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:40 pm
amother OP wrote:
A boy can learn at home.
And the girls "job" is to go to school and get educated. A parents responsibility is to facilitate that.
Keeping your kids home feels wrong to me.


Chill, I'm not keeping my kids home! Once in a while as a last resort, is really not that big of a deal. A girl can get educated even if she misses a day of school here and there. Girls have sick days home or are absent for orher reasons and it doesn't effect their education. You're reaction is making it seem like I said that I'm keep my girls home regularly to help.
Yeah, boys can learn at home, but if they have to help you, they can't learn.
My kids, girls and boys, also take a mental health day off whenever they feel that it's needed.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:43 pm
Parent of 4 high school daughters and hs principal chiming in here:

Parentifying a child is never ok. That being said- yes, there will be emergency situations where I have readily given permission (it does need to be discussed with a principal) for a student to be at home, however- what's your take on these two scenarios (both true!)?
1. child comes late to school at least 3x weekly- mom calls to say,"sorry- I just cannot get e o out to school without her help- so she gets to school late. Better that she helps me!"
2. mother sent 15 yr old daughter out of town to help married daughter (who just had a baby) for a full week. Daughter was superb student and was upset; mom overuled.

I have many more-
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:44 pm
Quoted the wrong person, this is meant for lightpink.

Just throwing this out there. I know adults who were raised like that. They have issues holding down jobs because they never practiced having to be responsible, show up on time and stick to boring or unwanted tasks. It is setting them up for failure.
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amother
Begonia


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
Do you keep your boys home to help?

Honestly, my Mesivta age boys would find it easier to make up the missed material than my high school daughter because of the style of learning and teaching


My oldest is a high school boy. Yes , sometimes he has to help me if I have an emergency and can't pick up my kindergartner on time. Happened twice in 3 years. And I do not have helpful grandparents or extended family members.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:52 pm
amother Mistyrose wrote:
Quoted the wrong person, this is meant for lightpink.

Just throwing this out there. I know adults who were raised like that. They have issues holding down jobs because they never practiced having to be responsible, show up on time and stick to boring or unwanted tasks. It is setting them up for failure.


Exactly this. Well said.
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amother
Carnation


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 7:58 pm
amother Ginger wrote:
Parent of 4 high school daughters and hs principal chiming in here:

Parentifying a child is never ok. That being said- yes, there will be emergency situations where I have readily given permission (it does need to be discussed with a principal) for a student to be at home, however- what's your take on these two scenarios (both true!)?
1. child comes late to school at least 3x weekly- mom calls to say,"sorry- I just cannot get e o out to school without her help- so she gets to school late. Better that she helps me!"
2. mother sent 15 yr old daughter out of town to help married daughter (who just had a baby) for a full week. Daughter was superb student and was upset; mom overuled.

I have many more-



I am a high school teacher. I think it's very hard to judge parents. Especially that mothers these days are under such pressure (financially to support their families and sometimes their learning husbands, emotionally and physically to care for their many many children). In general all mothers want the best for their children. I don't think there are any mothers (maybe unless she is not mentally stable chas veshalom but I'm talking about the majority) who will keep their daughters home against their daughters will. Sometimes, the girls are happy to stay home once in a while and need a break.

At the high school level, if a girl is motivated and relatively smart she can catch up easily before the test and still do well in those classes she missed (with the exception of math - that's hard to catch up on!).

So how can you judge?
In situation number 2, do you know all the details about married daughter she went to help? Maybe she was struggling with post partum depression and was in desperate need of help???
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amother
Carnation


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:04 pm
Also, there are so many factors involved when keeping a daughter home.

Maybe their daughter is struggling socially and she hates school, so she begs to stay home and her excuse is that she stayed home to "help"?
Maybe their daughter gets easily overwhelmed and just needs a mental health day?
I have students who never miss a day and I have had students who miss school a lot. As a teacher I obviously prefer for all my students to be there but honestly, at the end of the day, the girls who miss a lot of school and catch up on their schoolwork can still get the same As as the girls who are in school.
A lot of high school grades are based on studying for tests and retaining information. So if my student was in class, she'll have an easier time studying than her classmate who missed a lot. But at the end of the day, if the classmate who missed a lot gets someone's notes and spends a little extra time teaching herself the material - she'll be more than fine.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:06 pm
amother Carnation wrote:
I am a high school teacher. I think it's very hard to judge parents. Especially that mothers these days are under such pressure (financially to support their families and sometimes their learning husbands, emotionally and physically to care for their many many children). In general all mothers want the best for their children. I don't think there are any mothers (maybe unless she is not mentally stable chas veshalom but I'm talking about the majority) who will keep their daughters home against their daughters will. Sometimes, the girls are happy to stay home once in a while and need a break.

At the high school level, if a girl is motivated and relatively smart she can catch up easily before the test and still do well in those classes she missed (with the exception of math - that's hard to catch up on!).

So how can you judge?
In situation number 2, do you know all the details about married daughter she went to help? Maybe she was struggling with post partum depression and was in desperate need of help???



Not judging; I am a parent myself- I fully know all too well the struggles we go thru, often on a daily basis. Still- that should not become the child's responsibility in a huge way. That is not chesed, that is not helping out- it is changing the dynamic in the child's role as student and teenager, if done on a fairly regular basis. Also: if there is a desperate situation with a new mom, who needs help- sending your 15 yr old is not the answer.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:12 pm
[quote="amother Carnation"]Also, there are so many factors involved when keeping a daughter home.

Maybe their daughter is struggling socially and she hates school, so she begs to stay home and her excuse is that she stayed home to "help"?
Maybe their daughter gets easily overwhelmed and just needs a mental health day?
I have students who never miss a day and I have had students who miss school a lot. As a teacher I obviously prefer for all my students to be there but honestly, at the end of the day, the girls who miss a lot of school and catch up on their schoolwork can still get the same As as the girls who are in school.
A lot of high school grades are based on studying for tests and retaining information. So if my student was in class, she'll have an easier time studying than her classmate who missed a lot. But at the end of the day, if the classmate who missed a lot gets someone's notes and spends a little extra time teaching herself the material - she'll be more than fine.[/quot

Really? Absenteeism due to social issues is "OK"? Clearly- it would be a frank conversation with myself and the parent if a child is absent a lot----and no, sadly "she will not be more than fine" by getting notes----that would be ignoring a glaring issue-
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amother
Carnation


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:17 pm
Actually, as a teacher I can tell you 100000% that there is no difference in grades if a girl misses school and catches up the work.
I agree that it's not a high school girls job to be a second mother. But it's not the biggest deal if she misses school as long as the girl is fine.

And yes, there are unfortunately MANY girls with different issues - social, emotional, etc. Which would make their lives easier to take a break from school once in a while.
Teachers and employees generally get PTO days ... Our students sit through class from 830/9am until close to 5pm every day. That's great and most girls can handle that but not everyone! Some girls struggle and if they're going to feel more productive at home for a few days a month, let them do it. They'll be just as successful if they catch up the work and can still get good grades and go to college.
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:18 pm
I would never do that. By us,in yesod hatorah if you miss a day you need a drs letter. If not, the school sends out emails with the list of dates that they need a letter for. I don't always go to the Dr when my kid is off for a day cause they feel sick. And the Dr doesn't want to write the note after the fact.

The problem is that then the government gets involved and we could lose our child allowance money for that kid. and the kid might have to redo that year.

There is no playing around by us.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:22 pm
rainbow dash wrote:
I would never do that. By us,in yesod hatorah if you miss a day you need a drs letter. If not, the school sends out emails with the list of dates that they need a letter for. I don't always go to the Dr when my kid is off for a day cause they feel sick. And the Dr doesn't want to write the note after the fact.

The problem is that then the government gets involved and we could lose our child allowance money for that kid. and the kid might have to redo that year.

There is no playing around by us.

Technically, if the school chooses to, there could be legal repercussions for a parent if their child has over a certain amount of unexcused absences. They'd be labeled as truant (if they are under 16) and a court of law could fine or jail a parent. I worked in a non Jewish school where a principal took a parent to court for this, and the judge ordered the parent to send the kid to school on a regular basis or he'd face arrest. This is based on federal law in the U.S. Practically speaking, I don't think this would happen in the average frum school. But it could!
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amother
Mintcream


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:33 pm
Life isn't simple. It's easy to be judgmental when you are not in the situation. As a high schooler I was asked to miss school many times to help at home.I came late once a week to do a specific task that my parents needed help with. Honestly I didn't resent it...and I can assure you my parents would have preferred not to ask me. I didn't have an idyllic childhood but I don't blame my parents. These were the circumstances, they were unable to make other arrangements, and so that's the way it was. That's life. And bh I made it through high school fine. I think principals and teachers shouldn't be so judgmental because you never know what the student is going through. I won't forget those teachers who gave me dirty looks e ery time I came in late, even though I had an excused late note. And they lost all my respect. Its not as if I was home sleeping.
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amother
Rainbow


 

Post Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:39 pm
amother Lightpink wrote:
I'll be the odd one out here.

My kids stay home whenever they want. My smarter dds make up the work no problem and my chilled dd couldn't care less about academics so who cares. One dd doesn't like missing school so she's makpid to come and go on time. I have no problem taking them out for a day of shopping, picking them up early for appointments that I purposely schedule so they can get out early, and letting them leave early to do pickups and babysit for an aunt that went out of town (they beg to do it) or just whenever. And I'm a teacher, btw.

I think being "horrified" is overreacting. To each their own but if my kids are happier this way then who cares?


Agree! Imo Some people take school way too seriously!
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