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People think we are richer than we really are!
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:01 am
If you’re asked for an insane amount, ask for a brocha that next year you should easily be able to give that amount. For now we can give ($180, $18) a modest figure.
I see with DH’s business, he’s dealing with millions of dollars, but only brings in a few thousand, which he has to split with others. As well as pay his business expenses and taxes. Only a tiny bit ends up in my wallet after our regular bills and mortgage are paid.
People see that he has a job, so they think we’re richer that the Kollel guy. Maybe a bit. It takes time, sweat and money to build a successful business. Those of us on the inside see it, those who are guessing our account balance are usually clueless.
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sara_s




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:06 am
This is off topic, but I noticed you wrote that you don't own your house. Is there some way you can prioritize owning your house so that all your capital isn't tied up in your business?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:18 am
sara_s wrote:
This is off topic, but I noticed you wrote that you don't own your house. Is there some way you can prioritize owning your house so that all your capital isn't tied up in your business?

We're working on it. We have a solid plan. Iyh. But as of now we are stuck between living comfortably (being able to buy what we need and want/paying our bills) and not having enough to buy a house.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:20 am
imasinger wrote:
It's a collector's job to collect. Of course they're going to push hard. Did you ever hear of anyone saying, "last time you gave X, that must have been a stretch, so we're asking a third of that from you for this time"? No. They ask for double, and hope you'll compromise by still giving them more than before.

Your job is to set boundaries, figure what's maaser, and tell them, "sorry, no can do" as needed.

Pressure only works if you let it.

And then, you'll need to be a recipient, because you'll have given away what you needed.

But they dont ask these amounts from everyone!
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:30 am
1) Let me be clear, when I say "any organization" I meant to say. We belong to a kehilla, without going into too many details, this kehilla has a school, a cheideh, a seminary, a shul, a kimcha damischa... So one comes and asks and DH gives, because we can (I'm talking in the 1000s) then the next one comes, and asks for the same.
Now THAT is where we cant give.
2) I didn't make myself clear when I spoke about "classes" For lack of wording, I'm reading the post again and it sounds stupid.
I chas vesholom DO NOT categorize people in classes, I of all people should know that, growing up poor... BUT, let's say for argument's sake, I'm making a shidduch. (I'm not up to that yet) If I belong to the "wealthy" class (and let's be honest unfortunately this is the metzius nowadays) It would make the sheddichim process easier.
And yes we would be able to support/make a nice wedding, maybe not extravagantly but on a nice level. But that doesn't mean we are rich!
That doesn't mean that if DH can get a new car, that oh hey he can give $50000 to tzedaka now...
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:33 am
And then DH has his "obligation" tzedaka!
I.e. His chavrusa is making chasunah. How can he not give? Or the organisation that helped us when we needed it, how could he not repay them?
It's not like they are milking him dry, but erev Pesach now, everything is so expensive, and were trying to budget...
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sara_s




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:41 am
amother OP wrote:
We're working on it. We have a solid plan. Iyh. But as of now we are stuck between living comfortably (being able to buy what we need and want/paying our bills) and not having enough to buy a house.



In that case I really don't understand why you are feeling bad about not paying huge amounts to tzedaka collectors. (Obviously Maaser is super important.)
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amother
Strawberry


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 2:36 am
We have twice been insulted by people collecting. I forget a lot of things but I have never forgotten this. People who collect should do so with respect, especially if its on behalf of others - they have no right to refuse even a cent!
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:07 am
You have to give 10%, you can’t give more than chomesh, 20%. If you have reached your limit, the money doesn’t exist anymore and you have to ask a Rav if you are permitted to give more.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 4:23 am
amother OP wrote:
1) Let me be clear, when I say "any organization" I meant to say. We belong to a kehilla, without going into too many details, this kehilla has a school, a cheideh, a seminary, a shul, a kimcha damischa... So one comes and asks and DH gives, because we can (I'm talking in the 1000s) then the next one comes, and asks for the same.
Now THAT is where we cant give.
2) I didn't make myself clear when I spoke about "classes" For lack of wording, I'm reading the post again and it sounds stupid.
I chas vesholom DO NOT categorize people in classes, I of all people should know that, growing up poor... BUT, let's say for argument's sake, I'm making a shidduch. (I'm not up to that yet) If I belong to the "wealthy" class (and let's be honest unfortunately this is the metzius nowadays) It would make the sheddichim process easier.
And yes we would be able to support/make a nice wedding, maybe not extravagantly but on a nice level. But that doesn't mean we are rich!
That doesn't mean that if DH can get a new car, that oh hey he can give $50000 to tzedaka now...


Bring labeled as wealthy absolutely does not make shidduchim easier. It brings a new set of problems.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 9:47 am
amother DarkGray wrote:
You can say your money is tied up/invested.


No one needs to be giving these tzedaka collectors any explanations about their finances. It’s none of their business.
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amother
Foxglove


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 9:55 am
I know people who have gabbai Tzedaka for this reason.

Also it's a good idea to do standard set amounts of money - something that will be affordable for you even if a bunch of people ask for the same thing.

Make it into more of a process - not as heimish.
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amother
Hydrangea


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 9:55 am
My favorite thing to do with money is share it with others!
Hashem should help I should always be able to give! And give more!

But sometimes I wonder, do they really mean that amount?
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amother
Valerian


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 9:58 am
amother OP wrote:
1) Let me be clear, when I say "any organization" I meant to say. We belong to a kehilla, without going into too many details, this kehilla has a school, a cheideh, a seminary, a shul, a kimcha damischa... So one comes and asks and DH gives, because we can (I'm talking in the 1000s) then the next one comes, and asks for the same.
Now THAT is where we cant give.

So you need to figure out how to budget your tzedakah dollars better so you aren’t left with giving thousands to whoever asked first and having nothing left for whoever asks next. I would say be proactive rather than reactive in your donations so you are giving on your terms and not on theirs. If your kehilla is very pushy then maybe reach out to other members to find out how they deal.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:08 pm
amother Foxglove wrote:
I know people who have gabbai Tzedaka for this reason.

Also it's a good idea to do standard set amounts of money - something that will be affordable for you even if a bunch of people ask for the same thing.

Make it into more of a process - not as heimish.

we are not rich enough for gabbai tzedaka lol. my oldest is 7!
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amother
Canary


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:25 pm
amother Clematis wrote:
Bring labeled as wealthy absolutely does not make shidduchim easier. It brings a new set of problems.


absolutely!
and I'm not understanding how you can't afford a house (a basic) but you say you can easily support/make a nice wedding...
nice weddings and support cost in the hundreds of thousands!! enough for a down payment for sure!!
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amother
Broom


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:34 pm
Op I get it.

Dh is also successful bh. But with all that we are still middle income and we pay lots of tax, insurance is sky high, tuition and we aren’t exactly rolling in dough.

With us the issue is DH’s ego (for lack of better word). The collectors know how to flatter him and he feels that denying anyone he’s admitting that he’s not actually as successful as they praise him to be. Lol he’s wonderful and gives lots of tzedaka but sometimes it’s more than we can possibly afford. Instead of politely saying he can’t give now, he will avoid, ignore phone calls, pretend he’s not home etc or give even when he shouldn’t, and it’s causing him extra stress.

It’s a great fundraising tool. Appeal to the pride of the man.

Whenever I am the one being approached (and it’s not a good time to give) I will politely decline. We prioritize giving to family and to individuals in need.

I guess that’s why most collectors don’t come to me lol.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:44 pm
amother Canary wrote:
absolutely!
and I'm not understanding how you can't afford a house (a basic) but you say you can easily support/make a nice wedding...
nice weddings and support cost in the hundreds of thousands!! enough for a down payment for sure!!

The place I live houses are more expensive than making a nice wedding.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:48 pm
People also think my husband is a millionaire and hes an employee! Even my son in law says we're super comfortable. He has no idea the things I don't buy. My kids clothes come from simple stores only. We don't vacation or go to the country. My husband says let them think I'm rich rather than pity me that I don't have.
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Amalia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 27 2023, 3:55 pm
sara_s wrote:
This is off topic, but I noticed you wrote that you don't own your house. Is there some way you can prioritize owning your house so that all your capital isn't tied up in your business?


I don’t think that’s off topic at all. I think that’s exactly on target.
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