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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Would you tell someone they’re being manipulative?



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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 4:37 pm
A family friend, a woman in her late middle age, tries to pressure kids to hug her or say hello. I won’t make my kids hug someone they don’t want to, and DD3 is particularly afraid of this woman. The woman, when a kid doesn’t want to hug her, will pretend to cry or make an exaggerated sad face and say “you hurt my feelings!”

I just take dd to the other room when she comes in, or pick her up and let her hide and then deflect for her, but it makes me so uncomfortable and I feel it’s so wrong to manipulate children like that, every time I want to say something to her. I’m not confrontational, and DH says I should not offend her and she doesn’t mean anything by it, so I don’t say anything. But I feel bad knowing other children are being treated this way and feel like I should tell her it’s not ok. What would you do?
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 4:48 pm
You can say, "My child gives hugs when she feels comfortable hugging. I'm the same way!'

Explicitly pointing it out may not work. Many people in her cohort are like this unfortunately. New generation is learning to respect children.
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amother
Topaz


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:00 pm
I would just explain it to her kindly. My mother used to do the same thing. I told her that my kids love her and will hug her when they want to. No one should be forced to hug someone.
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:07 pm
Really depends on the person and my relationship with them. If you're close and she's not the type to be easily offended then sure.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:16 pm
I’ve had similar, I just say to the child right in front of the person “Sweetie it’s okay, you know you get to choose if you want to give someone a hug or not, giving hugs is by your choice!” And hope they get the message. It also helps that I am in fact reiterating a message I’ve already been giving the child, safe touch and all that.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 1:14 pm


We teach this song to my kids.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 1:35 pm
You can point it out in order to vent, but manipulative people are, by definition, emotionally stunted. So the odds of making a difference are low. Just protect your kids as politely as possible. You do still have to be respectful, even if the other person is not.

(Sorry for the edits, lots of typos.)
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amother
Tealblue


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 7:27 pm
First, she isn't being manipulative. It does sound like she's socially off. Do you think she's damaging your kids? Or they just think she's weird? If you or they are getting creepy vibes you can talk to them or her about it.
Aside from that, do your parents give your kids hugs without asking first? It could be you just don't like it when she does it because she has a very different cultural perspective. Maybe work out those feelings?
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 9:46 pm
amother Tealblue wrote:
First, she isn't being manipulative. It does sound like she's socially off. Do you think she's damaging your kids? Or they just think she's weird? If you or they are getting creepy vibes you can talk to them or her about it.
Aside from that, do your parents give your kids hugs without asking first? It could be you just don't like it when she does it because she has a very different cultural perspective. Maybe work out those feelings?


No one should be hugging anyone who doesn't want the hug. I hope her parents don't do this! And yes, it's manipulative. Adults are responsible for their own feelings. It is harmful to small children to suggest otherwise.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 9:48 pm
amother Tealblue wrote:
First, she isn't being manipulative. It does sound like she's socially off. Do you think she's damaging your kids? Or they just think she's weird? If you or they are getting creepy vibes you can talk to them or her about it.
Aside from that, do your parents give your kids hugs without asking first? It could be you just don't like it when she does it because she has a very different cultural perspective. Maybe work out those feelings?


Fake crying in order to get what you want from someone is unquestionably manipulative.

When we walk past this woman’s apartment, DD3 will say “So-and-so lives there. We’re not going inside are we?” So she’s very clearly got a lasting impression of her.

I don’t have a problem with people we’re close to giving hugs without asking the kid, though if they push them away or hide I say “X isn’t in a hugging mood today. X would you like to wave to bubby or just say hi?” I don’t expect everyone to ask first, but trying to guilt trip a child into hugging someone they barely know is unacceptable imo.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 9:51 pm
amother Peach wrote:
I’ve had similar, I just say to the child right in front of the person “Sweetie it’s okay, you know you get to choose if you want to give someone a hug or not, giving hugs is by your choice!” And hope they get the message. It also helps that I am in fact reiterating a message I’ve already been giving the child, safe touch and all that.


This. And what BrisketBoss said.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 10:31 pm
Say we’re not touchy people. My kids don’t enjoy hugging. Nothing personal. And walk away.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sat, Apr 01 2023, 11:08 pm
Totally different type of situation but I have a family member who’s manipulative. And yes, I have told him at times that I don’t want to play his mind games.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 02 2023, 9:33 am
I'd tell her that we're trying to avoid that kind of messaging with the kids.

Eg something like, "Listen, friend, I know you're just joking around with the kids when you say they hurt your feelings by not hugging you, but I'd prefer to avoid that kind of messaging with them. It's really important for me that my kids understand that they don't have to touch anyone if they don't want to, and also, that they are never responsible for a grownup's feelings. Again, I know you don't mean anything bad by it. But in the future please make it clear that it's OK if they don't hug you, and that you aren't really sad about it. I think it's really important that they get that message, especially from you since you're a family friend."

Basically give her a very generous "of course it's not you being inappropriate, but I need to avoid this messaging because other people might be inappropriate."

(she is being inappropriate. I hate it when adults don't treat kids like full human beings. but this lets her save face.)
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 02 2023, 9:38 am
I also think it's a good opportunity to reinforce what your 3yo is doing right. Like, tell her explicitly, "Thank you for telling me that (Pushy Friend) is making you uncomfortable and you don't want to hug her. You never have to hug someone if you don't want to."

And in the moment, if Pushy Friend is pushing for a hug, go ahead and prioritize your dd over her. Meaning, if what you want to model for your dd is "this is a very reasonable boundary and nobody has the right to demand you hug them," go ahead and say "dd doesn't want to give hugs right now" (instead of eg a softer, "oh, she's tired" or whatever excuse). If Pushy Friend's feelings are hurt, oh well. It's better to risk the more-than-grown adult's fragile ego than the 3-year-old's basic sense of safety
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