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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Got an email from yeshiva my son can't come back after Pesa
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 10:17 am
amother Chicory wrote:
It’s April. Must be this boy already has high school plans laid out. OP might do well to use these two months to ensure he is properly prepared for high school, tutors and behavioral therapists and whatever needs to be done. If he has been “not able to sit” through eight years of elementary school nothing will magically change now without help. Look toward the future, OP, and work on preparing to make his high school experience a success.

And, yes, it would be nice if you could have a respectful conversation with the menahel about at least letting him be at graduation with the rest of the class.

Don’t assume. My daughter, who is a wonderful girl with no academic or behavioral concerns, just got accepted yesterday.
If he *was* already accepted to high school, I certainly hope they have a full understanding of him and his needs.
I really don’t understand how a school can do this. Unless he did something dangerous and or/was causing danger to himself or others, he made it through most of 8th grade. Make a way for it to work. Require him to come to minimal classes. Give him some freedom within the confines of the building. Let him help out in the office or in another classroom.
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amother
Pear


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 11:10 am
There’s clearly more to this story.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 11:17 am
amother Pear wrote:
There’s clearly more to this story.

Yes, I can’t imagine a kid who has never had issues in school would suddenly be told not to come back. However, the issues here are the timing and how it was done. I’ve been where OP is. I had a principle tell me my child was undiscipline-able. They wanted to send my child home for little infractions, but never for any of the dangerous things. There’s definitely more to the story, but that doesn’t absolve the school from being mentchen.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 11:28 am
Ema of 5 wrote:
Don’t assume. My daughter, who is a wonderful girl with no academic or behavioral concerns, just got accepted yesterday.
If he *was* already accepted to high school, I certainly hope they have a full understanding of him and his needs.
I really don’t understand how a school can do this. Unless he did something dangerous and or/was causing danger to himself or others, he made it through most of 8th grade. Make a way for it to work. Require him to come to minimal classes. Give him some freedom within the confines of the building. Let him help out in the office or in another classroom.


Mazal tov!!
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amother
Jade


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 11:31 am
amother Pear wrote:
There’s clearly more to this story.

yes there is more to the story, but that doesnt mean you should say it.
Parents with a problem child are exhausted, confused, frightened, and could have spent enormous sums of money plus having their entire household full of stress and STILL DONT HAVE ANY CLUE HOW TO PROCEED.
she came here for validation and comfort. please give it to her.
she deserves even if let us say she made mistakes.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 11:32 am
amother Gardenia wrote:
Mazal tov!!

BH BH BH!!! #TYH!!!!
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:31 pm
Thank you all for your responses.

Of course there is more to the story but that doesnt make it any easier how they did it.
We have been parents in the school for a very long time, this is not our first son in the yeshiva.
Last year they said there was an issue and we did whatever they said to do,
Past Succos they told us he could only come for a short period of time and I pick him up so thats what I did.
He doesnt go on Friday and has therapy another day so he doesnt go that day either.
The email I received was so strange, it was upside down and the subject line had my other adult sons name not even my son in school now.

Forestgreen you happen to be correct but we did whatever they told us but it isnt enough.
He is a good kid but for some reason the menahel doesnt like him and has insulted him.
We are still trying to find the right high school for him but so far we have not found one we are happy with.
But what do I do so close to Pesach and after Pesach all boys will be going back and he will be home.

There is no graduation in the yeshiva so once he is out that is it.

Green- My husband said the same thing that if he goes off the derech and starts hanging out in not good places because he has no place to go it will be on their head.

banana123 -my husband said the same thing that we should pretend we didnt see the email and just send him back.

jade- thanks for the validation.
Yes its so hard, he isnt a bad kid has tons of friends but he just cant sit still. He has tutors but they just dont want him in yeshiva anymore.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:45 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you all for your responses.

Of course there is more to the story but that doesnt make it any easier how they did it.
We have been parents in the school for a very long time, this is not our first son in the yeshiva.
Last year they said there was an issue and we did whatever they said to do,
Past Succos they told us he could only come for a short period of time and I pick him up so thats what I did.
He doesnt go on Friday and has therapy another day so he doesnt go that day either.
The email I received was so strange, it was upside down and the subject line had my other adult sons name not even my son in school now.

Forestgreen you happen to be correct but we did whatever they told us but it isnt enough.
He is a good kid but for some reason the menahel doesnt like him and has insulted him.
We are still trying to find the right high school for him but so far we have not found one we are happy with.
But what do I do so close to Pesach and after Pesach all boys will be going back and he will be home.

There is no graduation in the yeshiva so once he is out that is it.

Green- My husband said the same thing that if he goes off the derech and starts hanging out in not good places because he has no place to go it will be on their head.

banana123 -my husband said the same thing that we should pretend we didnt see the email and just send him back.

jade- thanks for the validation.
Yes its so hard, he isnt a bad kid has tons of friends but he just cant sit still. He has tutors but they just dont want him in yeshiva anymore.

OP I think you need to call and demand a face-to-face meeting before agreeing to keep your son home. You said the email made no sense. Perhaps it was a mistake? If you have been doing everything they have asked you, then they can say (if he was younger) they won’t take him back next year, but I really don’t think not allowing him to finish the year is in his best interest.
Hatzlacha finding a high school, it’s torture!!!
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amother
Pear


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:46 pm
Did they ask you to put him on medication? Has he been evaluated and gotten a diagnosis? I’m sorry you are going through this.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:36 pm
amother Pear wrote:
Did they ask you to put him on medication? Has he been evaluated and gotten a diagnosis? I’m sorry you are going through this.

Yes been evaluated and has ADHD. They made us put him on medication and we tried several and they were a disaster.
Either he was a zombie or very moody and angry and fighting plus he is a thin kid and lost tons of weight because he wasn't eating. We also tried natural vitamins.
He has a therapist and case worker.
We are trying everything.
If anyone has any other suggestions I would be open to listening.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:50 pm
amother OP wrote:
Yes been evaluated and has ADHD. They made us put him on medication and we tried several and they were a disaster.
Either he was a zombie or very moody and angry and fighting plus he is a thin kid and lost tons of weight because he wasn't eating. We also tried natural vitamins.
He has a therapist and case worker.
We are trying everything.
If anyone has any other suggestions I would be open to listening.

Have you tried anything alternative? Chraniosacral (so?) therapy? Homeopathic supplements? Chiropractor?
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amother
Brass


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:53 pm
Hi, OP.

This is the name and number of an excellent pediatric psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD:

Dr. Merritt Hubsher (973) 605-5000.
He does virtual appointments (so it does not matter where you live.)
It takes a while to get an appointment for an evaluation with him but it’s worth it: the psychiatrist with whom we worked before Dr. Hubsher was a horrible disaster, even though he came highly recommended.

There is much more than I want to say but it’s too painful.
I am so so so sorry for your son’s - and your - experience.

My son’s mesivta principal did the same last year, exactly before Pesach: I can’t write - it’s too painful.
I am posting under my user name in case you want to pm me for more information.

P.S. please don’t quote my post so that I can change it to anonymous later for my son’s privacy.


Last edited by amother on Sun, Apr 02 2023, 2:52 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother
Nasturtium


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:56 pm
Hugs Im so sorry for you
There was a story about a boy who was expelled. the mother told the boy that hes too smart the school doesnt know how to handle it so for the next few months shes going to homeschool him. Can you tell him something like that?
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ruchelbuckle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:16 pm
I am posting under my user name so you can reach out to me if you need to, but please don't quote this (and I will probably come back and delete it).
My childs school tried the same shtick with us a few years ago. They basically said, "he can't come back here. Sorry." They sent it over email..... not even the courtesy of a phone call. And it was a few days before pesach. It was horrible. He was a lot younger, though. We were very close to getting an injunction against the school from the State Dept of Education (the school was determined to keep him out of school, we were determined that he belonged in school, and the law was on our side).

Anyway, if you need support or advice, please feel free to reach out to me.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:21 pm
amother OP wrote:
My son is in 8 th grade.
He is very behind because he can't sit and the yeshiva doesn't know how to handle him.
They told us to do this and that and whatever they suggested us to do we did but he still can't sit.
I got an email tonight from the menahel saying that after Pesach he can't come back to yeshiva.
They are sorry but that's it.
What an I supposed to do a few months left of school?
The schools that would take him I am very hesitant to send to because the boys there are a bit too secular and I don't want him to get influenced.
I don't know how I will break it to my son.
How will he feel down the road that in his last year a few months towards the end he was kicked out?


OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to your son. It's so awful on so many levels... that they thought an email was okay, rather than a face to face meeting to discuss.... that they are dumping this in your lap right before YT..... that they couldn't just suck it up a couple more months so at least he could finish out the year....

They should really be ashamed of themselves. Some people you just have to wonder what they are doing in the field of education when they have so little sensitivity and such disregard for a child's feelings.
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amother
Crocus


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:22 pm
How can you get an injunction against the school? Won't the law just say send him to public school?
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amother
Crocus


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:28 pm
I would try to push back hard. Would the therapist help you fight on his behalf? There is so little time left from pesach to the end of the year and then they are done with him for good. Makes zero sense to not allow him to finish those few months.
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amother
Mintcream


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:28 pm
my only concern with just sending him back to school, is if he will be called out of class and sent to the office and you need to pick him up. that is humilating and then you also can't do the whole "we decided to keep you home" thing. would your school do this? I know the schools here do that if a parent doesn't pay tuition. my husband still has PTSD from being kicked out multiple first days as a little kid. in high school girls were called to the office left and right the first few weeks of school...
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 6:54 pm
amother Nasturtium wrote:
Hugs Im so sorry for you
There was a story about a boy who was expelled. the mother told the boy that hes too smart the school doesnt know how to handle it so for the next few months shes going to homeschool him. Can you tell him something like that?

This is an 8th grader, not a young kid
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 7:02 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you all for your responses.

Of course there is more to the story but that doesnt make it any easier how they did it.
We have been parents in the school for a very long time, this is not our first son in the yeshiva.
Last year they said there was an issue and we did whatever they said to do,
Past Succos they told us he could only come for a short period of time and I pick him up so thats what I did.
He doesnt go on Friday and has therapy another day so he doesnt go that day either.
The email I received was so strange, it was upside down and the subject line had my other adult sons name not even my son in school now.

Forestgreen you happen to be correct but we did whatever they told us but it isnt enough.
He is a good kid but for some reason the menahel doesnt like him and has insulted him.
We are still trying to find the right high school for him but so far we have not found one we are happy with.
But what do I do so close to Pesach and after Pesach all boys will be going back and he will be home.

There is no graduation in the yeshiva so once he is out that is it.

Green- My husband said the same thing that if he goes off the derech and starts hanging out in not good places because he has no place to go it will be on their head.

banana123 -my husband said the same thing that we should pretend we didnt see the email and just send him back.

jade- thanks for the validation.
Yes its so hard, he isnt a bad kid has tons of friends but he just cant sit still. He has tutors but they just dont want him in yeshiva anymore.

This is truly heartbreaking. Your commitment to his schedule this year is unbelievable.
School hasn't spoken to you since this new schedule after succos until now? Was this arrangement working?
The email, the timing, and just mere months until the end are all just so unfair.
Can your rabbi or some community macher talk to the principal to work out something else? Maybe your son can homeschool, do melamed online program, etc and come to school like once or twice a week?
Something MUST be worked out!!
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