This is so sad for me but how do I word it?

amother

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 4:33 pm

I love love love having guests. I work from home and it really enhances my shabbos or Yom tov meal and my overall mental health. I love cooking, socializing, and I am well known for my open house.
One of my children is going through a very rough time. They are aggressive, irritable and have been raging. Another child has been acting out and instigating some of these reactions from her. It's horrible and hard and I wish there was a magic wand to make this all better. I was warned that some special needs children become this way when they approach the puberty, preteen years, no advance knowledge could prepare me for the devastation of our normal.
We had guests through the mediocre social and impulsive idiosyncrasies but this is just too much. I cannot have people in my home or at our meals until this is managed.
I am trying everything and this all breaks my heart. That child actually keeps asking for the guests but after the first days of pesach with guests, it's just not ok. I cannot handle the guests or my children or my mental health if I'm hosting. I can barely handle just the latter two combined.
Thanks for hearing me out. Now for the practical side of things, how do I tell people that they can't come? What do I do if people just stop by and then casually want to join us? How do I effectively close my home for the time being when so many people rely on our family as a haven for spirituality and stability. Bochurim, single girls, divorcees and their kids, my own family, my elderly parents, the list goes on and on.
How do I do this without hurting anyone including my child's dignity? What do I say that feels true enough and clear enough, to feel valid both to them and to me?
Yes I struggle with saying no.
Please advise.
PS my husband is an extreme introvert, he can't do this part for me.

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 4:35 pm

I'm sorry, right now it's not the right thing for my family. I'll let you know when we're back up to hosting.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 4:40 pm

I have something very similar with hfa son. Wish we could host but just not possible. He can't deal with guests/anything disturbing his routine. It's really hard, especially when the rest of the family would love guests 😪

amother

Beige

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 4:55 pm

oh my - are you me? I cannot have anyone step into my home. My HF autistic son is super difficult lately - also young teen. Hugs but you are not alone...

amother

Begonia

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 5:59 pm

"Our kids are at an age(or stage?) where they need our full attention at Shabbos and Yom Tov meals. IY"H when things change we'll start inviting guests again"
Don't be over apologetic. This is soooo normal. Or maybe rather soooo common.

ShishKabob

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 6:33 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

I'm sorry, right now it's not the right thing for my family. I'll let you know when we're back up to hosting.

this, hugs op and lots of hatzlocha for the better

amother

Moccasin

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 6:47 pm

amother Cerise wrote:

Same!!

I also have a HFA sonbut preteen.

I cringe from the things that pour out his mouth.
Its really hard. I really sympathise with you op.

I dont like having to spell it all it out to people but I also dont want people seeing us as standoffish.

We usually say something like 'we have a lot going on, we dont have guests at the moment.'

Those who know, know and those who dont, its just too bad.
Maybe they think were nebachs but it really is too hard.

Bh we have 3 kids so they can think we arent managing.

imasinger

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 7:42 pm

I sympathize with the situation, and agree with the other posters.

"I'm sorry, we're not hosting for a while; at the moment, our kids need some more family time without guests. You're a wonderful person, and we'd be so happy to have you when we start having guests again. Do you need any help in finding hospitality?"

OP, please consider your own needs, and find ways to connect to those who appreciate you outside your family -- you don't have to lose that piece of yourself completely when you're not hosting.

ROFL

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 7:59 pm

I agree with everyone else but do you know someone in your community that can host these folks. Maybe you can arrange to have someone host these people.

zaq

Sun, Apr 09 2023, 8:27 pm

I would avoid using my kids as an excuse. Unfair to them even if true. "I'm sorry, we would have loved to host you but this year circumstances don't allow us to." Not their business what those circumstances are.

If you want to be a champ, help them find somewhere else to go.

TwinsMommy

Mon, Apr 10 2023, 12:39 am

We're the same. Haven't had guests in years. My kids (16 year old twins with autism) are able to pull it together to get dressed and behave appropriately for a couple hours at someone else's home for a Shabbos lunch (and if not, they can each stay home by themself) but in our own home neither of them will get dressed for a Shabbos or Yom Tov meal. Neither of them will sit and behave appropriately at the table for more than a few minutes. The unpredictability of when the next massive aggression meltdown will hit is extreme. (In our own home, they're able to mask in public but UNLEASH at home). One twin won't wash or bentsch---- it's a chore to MAKE her do al ha michya and borei nefashos, honestly.