Financial support | Imamother

amother

Coral

Tue, Apr 18 2023, 11:11 pm

Absolutely, positively hate it. It's mortifying. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Is that clear enough? I didn't hate it when we were in kollel, because our parents made the choice to support us, it's normal in our community, and we felt like we were doing something positive.

But it's many years later and my husband got hooked on day trading. We would have lost our house if not for a kind relative who is helping us. And I hate it!

amother

Catmint

Wed, Apr 19 2023, 1:14 am

This is a really triggering question for me.
I have a very close friend who confided in me that she was going through a very hard time and needed help. We quietly organized what they needed. It took them about a year and a half to become more stable and by the end of that time, the friendship was gone.

I was very, very hurt.
At the same time, I understand the shame that they obviously are feeling.
It's very hard to be dependent on other people.

Kollel support is different in that it's a more yisachar zevulun thing where one side pays money and the other side learns and the one paying is getting schar. So it's not the same feeling of taking because you feel you are giving back. (I don't know how this applies to people who are messing around not really learning or who live a high lifestyle on support.)

Dev80

Wed, Apr 19 2023, 2:47 am

We both work and BH make decent salaries, but have two relatives who send us money every month. If they couldn't do it, they would tell us they can no longer send.

It gives us an extra cushion or a chance to put money into savings. It is something I am very thankful for and appreciate very much even though we could possibly get by without it

amother

Lavender

Wed, Apr 19 2023, 12:48 pm

We are struggling with unemployment at the moment. Family members help out by buying things we need or sending monetary gifts, but not any specific intervals or specific amounts. We don't ask for help, we have savings, but we appreciate when it's offered freely, with no strings.
We helped others, when we were in a different financial situation.

amother

Coral

Wed, Apr 19 2023, 6:48 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I totally understand why you were hurt. But I can also understand your friend. At every simcha and event I have to push myself to act like my usual self with my relatives who support us. I have to push myself to make my regular friendly phone calls and send normal friendly texts. I'm so embarrassed to face them. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do.

I appreciate their help immensely, we wouldn't survive without it. But it hurts so much. It's not about them, it's about me. But I can totally understand why it's too hard for her to still be friends with you.