Managing finances relating to birthday gifts for classmates

Yael3

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 7:06 pm

I have 4 children in younger grades and the birthdays are becoming more and more elaborate. Each of my kids have about 28 kids in their classes, that means give or take 112 gifts each year, and now that the kids are getting older the gifts that are given/received are roughly $20-$30 each gift, so that’s anywhere between $2,240 and $3,360 JUST IN GIFTS ALONE. Now let’s talk about the venues (that’s correct!) what happened to inviting your few close friends to the house for pizza and cake?? Some parents get creative and do an “only boys” or “only girls” party so that’s half the class and kids typically don’t feel left out that way. But parents are renting out bowling lanes, paying for pottery/crafts places, renting basketball places and hiring coaches… OMG I can’t keep up. My 5 year old literally had a birthday party today in the next State over, a 45 minute drive!!! We carpooled so we only did the driving one way, but still!! This has gotten so out of hand. Even the parties that are at houses there’s always hired entertainment and I can’t keep up. On the one hand, I want my kids to feel like they’re getting comparable experiences but seriously, an indoor gym for a couple of hours plus hiring a couple of coaches and getting pizza cake and drinks for a class we’re talking $800. And when all my kids want this, add to that yearly gift figure another $3,200… I wish there was a school policy or something.

amother85

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 8:01 pm

My kids are still young, up to now we have gotten away with informal parties in the park (summer birthdays) with cupcakes purchased from kosher grocery store. I always try to be clear that it’s a casual thing and gifts are NOT expected. Some people bring, others don’t. Not sure what I’m going to do now that they’re outgrowing the playground though.

For buying gifts for classmates, everyone gets a $10 gift card to the dollar store. Even though my kids have gotten gifts from classmates that I’m sure have cost anywhere from $10 or less to $30+. We do our best but there is nowhere we could afford to spend $30x25 classmates x IYH eventually 5 or more kids in school 🤷🏻‍♀️

amother

Acacia

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 8:18 pm

Going anon here... I typically buy cheaper things in advance and save.
I buy a bunch on Black Friday or when Amazon has a sale and keep them until we need it. They are usually $5-10 and are often gender generic, not "themed" (we don't do TV etc so it helps as the toys stay relevant for a few years! I dont do whatever the "in thing is for the month"), and look "quality".
Like craft kits on Amazon. When I see one below $10 I will get one or two. If it is something name brand I might buy more.

Just got a board game for a gift from Amazon for like $7. Hence anon as the gift was given today...

Kids in my children's classes have a huge range of activities. One rented a venue, had entertainers, catered food... and then some of us do a couple of crafts and cake. I found that for my younger elementary kids, the kids don't notice. It is the moms that care. Now when they get to grades 3+ luckily most don't do parties.

But for little girls? We do some neat craft (again, amazon) that takes a few minutes to think up. So instead of buying something ready made, I buy paint and some wood shapes or boxes to paint. But I keep it as reasonable and as cheap as possible.

amother

Pistachio

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 8:36 pm

Is it an option for you to skip making birthday parties for your kids altogether?

Do something with just the family, offer a cool experience or day trip that you wouldn't otherwise do, even if you spend money on it it's less hassle and more enjoyment and family time and the kids will have something to "tell their friends."

For gifts, can you chip in with other parents?

amother

Currant

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 8:44 pm

Yeah, that sounds really excessive.

People do really fancy parties here too and rent out venues, etc, but not everyone does a party.
For my kids birthdays, we’ve been doing cool surprise parties for the family and they’ve so far been happy with that BH.
Other parties my kids have been to that were fun but less excessive had bounce houses, basketball game in the park, a cool game room, a magician performing.. there’s other ways to have fun without spending a ton.

amother

Clear

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:34 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Where do y’all live?
I’m in Lakewood and never hear of this other than from my modern orthodox relatives

Sounds like a MO practice, since OP wrote that their classes are co-ed and sometimes only one gender gets invited. Even so, I'm wondering why each gift has to be so expensive.

amother

Acacia

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:39 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Sounds like a MO practice, since OP wrote that their classes are co-ed and sometimes only one gender gets invited. Even so, I'm wondering why each gift has to be so expensive.

Not OP but not MO and not coed class but some parents are still excessive with their birthday celebrations.
We just have "that type" as parents of my kids classes.
I find there are fewer and fewer kids doing parties each year so we might be done for a while Very Happy

seeker

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:44 pm

Is it really everyone who's making these fancy parties? My kids' classes have always had some who did and some who didn't, and there was no shame in being part of the half-ish that didn't. Our attitude is we're lucky we got to enjoy going to the friend's party - not we're unlucky that it's not our party. Everyone had the same activity.

For gifts I always followed the deal websites and bought a bunch when a nice game or craft went on sale, aiming to spend $5ish each but over time I guess inflation made a good price more like $8. And again it was usually only about half the class making parties.

My kids each got to choose one year to have a homemade party so they didn't have to feel like total "have-nots." They were really fun parties with mom-run activities and I don't think anyone lost out by not having a fancy venue.

Yael3

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 9:44 pm

Yes, we are modern orthodox but very frum and the younger grades are in fact coed for most classes. I like some of the suggestions here, thank you! Like perhaps transitioning to doing more family things and buying in advance when things are more reasonably priced. It’s also interesting to read how perhaps this pressure is something I (the parent) experiences more than my kids… I haven’t really considered that.

amother

Clear

Sun, Apr 23 2023, 10:35 pm

Some classes have a joint class gift, where everyone contributes $5-$10 and then a parent volunteers to buy something from everyone. It's more work, though not so bad with Zelle/Venmo, and can save a ton of money if your alternative is up to $30 per gift. Could that work for you OP? Or even if not, maybe you and several like-minded families could join together to do joint gifts?