Reward system | Imamother

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:22 pm

I need to implement some kind of reward system but I’m having trouble figuring out how to do it.
I want to stay away from taking away from them when they do something wrong and only award the positive.

Some of the issues: hurting, screaming, speaking nicely

What kind of system do I make for them not doing something (usually my charts for doing something)? Ages 4-8

BrisketBoss

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:37 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I have kids 2-12 and my experience was the charts and rewards lost their effectiveness after the preschool years. It could just be my kids personalities and for your kids it works great but mine just wanted more and more until it bordered on extortion.

That is how rewards and punishments work. They increase dependence on these extrinsic motivators. Kids start to wonder "What will happen to me if I don't?" or "What will I get if I do?" Intrinsic motivation, interest, and enjoyment are decreased. Rewards really only motivate people to get more rewards. And that's just one of the issues with them.

amother

Whitewash

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:01 am

That's only if reward is given after every time. But what if reward is spontaneous. Along with praises. Like you shared so nice I'm giving you a chocolate bar let's see if you could share it.

I loved how you take turns. This will come in handy when we bake a cake togetheror go to the special park. Focusing on one good behavior at a time.

My kids fight when they are overtired. that's why if they go to sleep late on a late Friday night they fight all shabbos morning. You have to know what triggers your kids And you have to know if your kids have the skills. If one kid lacks impulse control, kids are jealous over one kid. It all effects the the dynamic in your home.

amother

Orchid

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:20 am

I'm not sure if anyone here studied psychology but praise and rewards are vital to a positive childhood. You need to know your kids and what will work for them. And yes kids do outgrow them. My kids now are older and are happy to help with cooking, washing dishes, etc, without getting rewards.
It's much easier to create a reward system for chores than for behavior -but it can be done. Just work with a very specific time frame like let's say supper time. I would actually keep track on my phone so the kids didn't see each other's charts and feel competitive. In general you should motivate them with the cheapest thing that will work. Like each star can be worth 10 cents. Then they can exchange their stars for prizes. And don't forget to always praise their good behavior, that's extremely important.

The Torah promises us rewards, in this world and the next world! Why? Because when you do the right thing you deserve schar.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:58 am

We still use reward charts for dd age 10. She likely has adhd. The OTs who worked with her gave us good guidelines to prevent this kind of dependence o immediate rewards in orser to behave. They said no immediate rewards, but have a chart woth stars or stickers and rhey get a reward after reaching x number of stars. This way they learn delayed gratification and build up their own skills to control their behavior over time. And the number of stars increases over time to reinforce the behaviors with less and less frequent rewards. Eventually, after several weeks or months, we phase out the charts entieely and the behavior is already routine and sticks well without rewards.

We use rewards charts as above for lots of things for dd and have the most lovely well behaved child, even with the adhd.

In terms of speaking nicely, give each child a blank paper, write 'name's kind words' or something at the top, and then tell them that each time they speak nicely they get a small sticker or even just a check mark. And when a row or half a page or a whole page is filled up, they get a prize.

For hurting or screaming, there are different ways to do it.
One option is to make a jar that has removable item like marbles. They get a certain number each day and a marble gets removed every time they hurt or scream (make separate jars for each) during that day (this way, there is no direct punishment, but there is still an effect of their behavior). If they are left with some minimum number of marbles at the end of the day (and this number should go up every week), they get sticker on a chart - when they fill a row on the chart, they get a reward. Also if they go a whole day without anything removed they can get a prize that day.
Another way is just a straighforward chart where they get a star if they dont do the bad behavior for the first uour after they come home. They can get a prize when they fill a row. Then every few weeks add another hour, until within a few months you have covered most of the day.

BrisketBoss

Mon, May 01 2023, 9:57 am

amother Orchid wrote:

I'm not sure if anyone here studied psychology but praise and rewards are vital to a positive childhood.

Ha, hardly. Unconditional love is, and general enjoyment of your children. Of course psych classes still focus on behaviorism but we have a lot of research that makes these practices very questionable indeed, and examples of happy children in cultures where they do not do this. It can be hard for people in our culture to fathom.

For example, there was that big study where children who were rewarded for being generous were found to be less generous than the control group years later.

I've already gotten some compliments and seen some surprise about the way my little one freely distributes resources to / shares with her younger brother. I have never asked her to do this or said anything like "Good sharing." (Why ruin a good thing? What reason do I have not to trust her to continue to do things that are modeled and feel good?) I also don't praise her for getting over her fears and going down a big slide, or for using the toilet. I just match her energy, join in her enthusiasm, acknowledge what she did when she looks to me to do so. It seems to be shaping up to be a pretty positive childhood without any manipulation needed BH.

amother

Anemone

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:02 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Is there research on adults in the US raised without praise/ rewards? I know you mentioned a study here, but curious if there ones looking at total success as adults.

These ideas over parenting became popular fairly recently so it could be that it hasn't been studied yet.

gottago

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:57 am

amother Orchid wrote:

.

The Torah promises us rewards, in this world and the next world! Why? Because when you do the right thing you deserve schar.

The Torah promises us rewards, but it's very clear that we shouldn't be doing mitzvos for schar. We do mitzvos for the relationship we have with HaShem.
We do mitzvos because it's the right thing to do.
This is where we want our children to get to. Where they clean their room because they like having a clean room and they play nicely because it feels better than fighting. Before that, they might do it because they want to make us happy, before that might be prizes. But ultimately, we want them to be intensely motivated to do the right thing.

BrisketBoss

Mon, May 01 2023, 12:04 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

I'm actually shocked that people think that children are so holy and are born ready to do Mitzvos because it's the right thing do. Get real. Children should get tangible rewards for doing the right thing so they associate Mitzvos and good Middos with positive experiences.

Goodness. You certainly have a bleak view of children. They're not born knowing, but they don't need stickers as a substitute for something real. It's a poor substitute indeed. We actually rob children of the natural pleasures of doing things when we reward them.

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Mon, May 01 2023, 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

BrisketBoss

Mon, May 01 2023, 12:05 pm

amother Anemone wrote:

An interesting question; I'll let you know if I come across something like that.