18 year old - who pays for expenses

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:21 pm

Also, I think it's usually a twisted way to look at it that if they don't cover costs when working, but then give you support when married, it means they value the learning more than they value you.

They value you and want you to get married - and if you want to marry a learning boy then it often comes with the support requirement attached.

I'm not ch''v negating anyone's specific experience, but more saying that that thinking can't be applied across the board at all.

The question of whether it's then worth their while to request you pay while single since then they need to fork out more when you get married is a valid one. But, I think many would spend far more when on their parents dime. Once you have to pay on your own you get sticker shock and start appreciating the value of money more. Which is also important to learn before getting married, especially if one wants to marry someone in learning.

Ema of 5

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:23 pm

amother Olive wrote:

I imagine because she was a child of the home. It’s hurtful to hear that you now need to pay for things that were provided before. If OP is really struggling, I imagine sitting down with DD and asking if she feels like she can contribute a little financially to the household since she is employed and now an adult, would go over better than asking her to start buying her own toiletries while still living in her childhood home- it sounds like she already buys herself most extras.

I don’t think it’s hurtful, I think it’s part of growing up. How can one be expected to get married when they don’t know how to take care of themselves? They don’t know how to budget, they don’t know how to balance an account….I lived with my parents until I got married at 24. I wasn’t expected to pay for every single thing, but if I used the car it was assumed that I would pay for gas. My mother bought generic basics, and if I wanted something different, I bought it myself. There was ample food, ample toiletries, etc. My parents paid for some of my clothing, but I also spent my own money.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:30 pm

I find all the strong reactions against this interesting.

On the one hand, we always read here that you need to teach your children how to manage finances before they get married.

But here, the large majority is saying that one shouldn't dare request that they cover any costs even when they are working?

How one earth can you teach any financial independence that way?

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, May 14 2023, 10:42 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I don’t think it’s the norm in Lakewood to start charging 18 year olds for their toiletries. Not by a long shot.

OOC, what age do most girls in Lakewood start shidduchim?

amother

Olive

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:24 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

OP doesn’t sound like she’s teaching fiscal responsibility- it sounds like she now has an adult who she no longer gets payments for so she wants to stop paying for her stuff because she has too many other expenses. Fiscal responsibility is taught gradually and from a place of love, not from a place of relief to no longer have to support her

amother

Burlywood

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:28 pm

amother Olive wrote:

But he’s a yeshiva guy and chances to make $ are limited because of the time he spends in yeshiva. If we want our kids to value that this is what he should be doing right now as an 18 year old young adult, we need to help by supporting it financially.

It seems to me that yeshiva guys are way too shielded from the realities of real life finances. Whereas girls are clearly expected to be full adults at 18.

How were you getting money from the the government from her until she turned 18? I’ve never heard of that?