DD friend might be lying about her parents' divorce

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:24 am

amother Daffodil wrote:

Being open, and being asked personal questions, are 2 different things. And you told your daughter to ask, because YOU wanted to know. That is not ok.
A good close friendship, has to happen naturally and mother telling daughter to ask personal questions, does nothing to help form a close friendship.....

It is not true that I told DD to ask Shira because I wanted to know. My daughter told me she was going to ask her and instead of telling her no, I said only if no one else is around.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:27 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Incredibly inappropriate of you to encourage DD to ask her friend. She's probably trying to make a good impression despite her circumstances no need to run it in

I didn’t encourage her to ask. I just told if she did ask it needed to be with no other girls around. Again, I feel bad I didn't discourage her from asking at all.

amother

Slategray

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:28 am

amother OP wrote:

OK now I feel awful. I thought it was an innocent question for a friend to ask. When I was in 6th grade my close friend's parents divorced and I hugged her and told her I was there for her. I thought my daughter could be that kind of friend like I was. I feel bad. Was it really so wrong to ask her?

I was that girl, I never told anyone straight out even in high school. I once had a friend sleep over and ask me where my father is and I made up some lie.
It's not an innocent question, it's very painful. Please tell your daughter to treat her normally and not to discuss her ever with her classmates. She should forget she ever asked the question. And please don't call her mother.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:32 am

amother Slategray wrote:

I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone who has been through this. My DD is an extremely sweet girl BH and will probably go out of her way to treat her friend extra nicely now. Hopefully her friend won't feel like a nebach. I'll talk to DD.

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:32 am

amother OP wrote:

My other child is dying to share with friends.

This child wants to talk about it but the children seem to become too traumatized by hearing about a separation so this child feels like no one is interested.

I would tell my own child to not ask not pry but if the other child shares to not make a scene. Just say oh, is it hard for you? Or something casual like that.

amother

Birch

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:35 am

My parents divorced when I was little, so it was always a fact of life and not something I was embarrassed about or felt the need to hide. Still, it also wasn't exactly something I talked that much about other than mentioning whose house I was at on a given day. Honestly, if someone I didn't know well had asked me straight up about my parents' marital status, I would have been uncomfortable, not because I was embarrassed about the situation but because it's a weird question to ask someone. Just get to know the person, it'll eventually come up organically.

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:37 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it is ok to take your time and calm down before talking to your own child.

Our children pick up on our anxiety and that is what they deliver to the other child.

You can talk to her very casually that yes they might be seperated but it doesn't really make such a big difference.

That this friend has a right to her privacy and to what she wishes to share.

That the real good friends are the ones that can give space to another person and not pry or talk behind their backs about things that they don't want to discuss.

That real friends can honor someone else's wishes.

This is a great opportunity for you to teach your child in a subtle way the rules of lasting relationships.

You're a good mommy! You meant well.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:41 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Thank you so much.

amother

Slategray

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:51 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

Perfect ending for this thread:-)

amother

Strawberry

Wed, May 17 2023, 11:56 am

It's not appropriate to ask a teacher about a different student. And inappropriate + unprofessional for the teacher to talk about a student to another's parent.

amother

Mayflower

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

My main concern is that my DD is in a healthy friendship with a healthy girl. Also, I feel for Shira and wonder if the mother should be aware that her daughter feels the need to lie about her parents.

The healthy friendship part, yes. This? Girls who do have mental health problems need friends too, and it's important for the luckier people to learn acceptance. Of course it's important to make sure the friendship doesn't turn toxic, but that doesn't mean you should give up without trying.

amother

Lightpink

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:20 pm

Re: separations.

While many separations do end in divorce, some lead to reconciliations. It is correct to say that the couple is not divorced in such a scenario, even if they are living in separate houses.

Trademark

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

It is not true that I told DD to ask Shira because I wanted to know. My daughter told me she was going to ask her and instead of telling her no, I said only if no one else is around.

Why didn't you tell her not to ask?

It would have been a great opportunity to teach her about not asking sensitive questions.

It's putting that girl in a very uncomfortable position, and your daughter should know some questions you don't ask. It serves no purpose.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:21 pm

I would just explain to DD that it must be difficult for Shira, which is why she has trouble being honest about her parents' situation. Would also be the right time to tell her not to pry as her firend is obviously uncomfortable. In 6th grade she should be able to understand this.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:22 pm

Trademark wrote:

I realize that now and feel terrible.

imasinger

Wed, May 17 2023, 12:23 pm

I think this thread has run its course. OP has been answered, and has taken the answer to heart. I'm stopping it here, if anyone thinks it needs to continue, please pm me.

-- imasinger, as mod