Why does H’ give people trauma?

zaq

Fri, May 19 2023, 12:41 pm

I'd be very careful about proposing the idea of people suffering to atone for other people's sins. This is the very principle upon which Christianity is based, and hasn't THAT given us more than just bad heartburn over the past 2000 years? Not only that, isn't one of the tenets of Yiddishkeit precisely the opposite, ish bechet'o yumatu, that a person dies for his own sins and not anyone else's? AIUI, the concept of death of tzaddikim atoning for the nation is not that the tzaddik's suffering gets the people off the hook but that the grief and loss the people endure due to the tzaddik's death is what atones for them.

flyakite

Sun, May 21 2023, 12:36 am

"Weak people make bad times. Bad times make strong people. Strong people make good times. Good times make weak people..."

Which is about where we stand today. Good times today - when bread butter and clothing is thankfully not something we are lacking and sweating over anymore as did a generation or two ago - are freeing us up to focus on our emotions and we want to be just as comfortable in this area as well.

We would do well to realize that our childhood wounds and traumas are part of Hashem's plan for us and create the backdrop for the nisyonos of the life experience that is uniquely ours. As we go through life impacted by our past and even by ongoing circumstances in the present, it is useful to identify the triggers created by these traumas and difficulties, and to figure out how to work them out. That’s the challenge of this game called “Life”.

Instead, I have found that therapy today is making people fragile by encouraging and empowering them to drop out of relationships and involvements and build walls, rather than empowering them by helping them find the grit and develop the skills, build the confidence and know-how to be equal to the task, scale walls and navigate situations.

It is much harder to work with a client on navigating and problem-solving challenging situations piece by piece; so much easier to entirely remove her from the problem by telling her the problem is not hers and let the chips fall as they may.

All those situations we are so quick to label as trauma today? Having people in our lives that we can bounce off and that can give us empathy, some old-fashioned chizuk, Torah-true perspective and encouragement, can energize and invigorate us to keep going. The dearth of such in today’s boundaried world is what forces many people into therapy. Trauma is going through crisis without support and if we would have each other in an old-fashioned warm way, with a caring and willingness to stretch a bit, so much of what we see as trauma today wouldn’t be so paralyzing, would get processed properly and wouldn’t hang around to keep triggering us for decades forward.

Newcastle

Sun, May 21 2023, 11:20 am

flyakite wrote:

I appreciate and agree with this perspective.

There was a letter in this week’s Family First-Words Unspoken, addressed “To My Husband’s Therapist”, making the point that therapists should remember all the people (their children and others) that need to interact daily with their client outside the therapist’s office, through the whole process…

I’ve heard it said that “Everyone can benefit from therapy! Everyone should go if they can!” But there are drawbacks, too. It’s not that simple. As much as therapy is purported to strengthen people, the process can also weaken people in a real way; as you said.

flyakite

Sun, May 21 2023, 11:56 am

Quote:

I appreciate and agree with this perspective.

Thank you so so much for your validation!

I want you to know that every little bit of validation I get reduces me to tears, it being so few and far between to come by.

I’m coming from a situation in which I was being judged by a therapist for trying to be of help to my parents in a situation where they found themselves overwhelmed and helpless, and for which I was 90% qualified. The piece I was missing was the confidence to make decisions and the bitachon that after everything I would do, the success of the outcome was up to Hashem; I needed the strength to take responsibility only for making efforts and decisions based on my limited understanding, and not for the results, regardless of the anxiety of people around me.

What I wanted to hash out with my therapist was “How”; instead what I was getting was “Why?” ( as in “Why do you care? Why are you doing it? Why is it your business?”)

What could have been a beautiful experience in which I could have learned and grown to be up to the task and overcome my limitations, became a torturous situation focused on fighting off judgement and condemnation.

As a result, I have become conflicted, torn and resentful, and remain tormented by the polarizing attitudes of the mental health approach vs. the Torah neshomah-based approach; of a mental health column vs. a Binah “Choppy Waters” column; of today’s proliferating courses on “growth, empowerment and boundaries” vs. a Torah Anytime “Daily Dose of Inspiration”.

Last edited by flyakite on Mon, May 22 2023, 7:37 am; edited 1 time in total

Inner Beauty

Fri, Jun 30 2023, 4:00 am

DreamerForever wrote:

I think it's important to remember that we don't come to this world on 'our terms': To achieve our perception of fulfillment and happiness in this world.

For whatever reason- and this is also painful for me to accept... Some people have difficult lives; are stunted by their trauma. In our very limited eyes they seem 'broken', not able to accomplish what they want or need to. But in Hashem's eyes - this may have been the plan all along.

Perhaps they have not 'failed'. Perhaps their task and journey is the exact life they are leading. Even if it looks broken to you. Even if it in no way resembles any measure of a 'life well lived'. Who knows?

We simply cannot understand. I'm feeling pained as I write this; because it hurts to accept this. But I think we need to understand deeply that we are there to do His will. To let go of outcomes. Of our perceptions of 'enjoying life', of being 'whole'. There is a Divine plan for each of us. And who is to say that a life we look at as tragic, is not part of the plan; and that perhaps there is value in brokenness too.

This actually is satisfying. Because it means there was a purpose to their suffering. What I found sad before hearing your answer is that these people seemed to have limited lives, and are not able to enjoy life fully, as others do. Knowing your explanation, though, yes, on a physical level it is painful for whoever is going through it, but it is reassuring for me to hear it, because it means they are not simply living sad lives where there is unmet potential and a lack of happiness. On a spiritual level, it is good the way it is. I feel bad for them because their life must be hard, but it is comforting to know that their suffering is not pointless, and it is actually their purpose in life and giving them עולם הבא. This is their תפקיד. The pain was needed and is their ticket to עולם הבא. This explanation makes it just-the suffering. I still empathize with people who have difficult lives but I know they are gaining spiritual levels and wouldn’t be surprised if they have a high place in עולם הבא. Thank you for this explanation.