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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
I need help accepting gifts



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 5:31 am
Let me preface by saying I know how lucky I am and that my husband is so generous, I get it, but this has to do with me. My husband loves giving gifts and I like getting them but his gift-giving is so over the top that every single time I respond with either are u crazy, what in the world or something like that. I’ve tried so many times to just say thank u but my face gives it away. So for example, I knew I was getting flowers for shavuous. But then he gets this tremendous vort bouquet that needed two people to carry it and literally takes up my entire table. And my initial reaction to this was are u insane? He was so proud of it and I felt so bad but I couldn’t help myself. It takes up my entire table, was almost $400, will die in a week, and I have nowhere to put it. Like why didn’t you just get me a small thing of roses or even something fake that would last, but really that’s not the point, the point is my reaction is so mean. I keep trying but he keeps getting worse and worse!
Another example. I mentioned a pair of shoes I was eyeing that were expensive for me. On my birthday he bought me those shoes, plus three more pairs in different colors. When he gave them to me I responded by saying what are u thinking?!
Is there a way to train myself to not respond like that? It really bothers me. And he doesn’t deserve it. He’s really trying to make me happy.
Side note- I have spoken to him about the extravagant nature and it hasn’t changed in 15+ years so I need to change.
Any ideas would be helpful
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amother
Opal


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 7:12 am
I can so relate. Does he do this just with gifts? Are you a critical person?

If I ask dh to buy me something at the grocery store he will buy me 3. The product I asked for, a new flavor that came out, and a other one he wasn't sure I'd I meant that one. I would be so upset I would have to return it. Why didn't he call me to ask me. My husband doesn't like to stay on phones. I realize a few things about my husband and our relationship.

1. He doesn't pay attention to details
2. He's a guy (like not all men know about flowers)
3. He wants to make me happy
4. I always seem to be disappointed, dissatisfied that adds to his trying harder and more and more to please.
5. This is what he likes. I like sameness, small, practical. he likes big, new products, generous-not complaining about the money.


I'm letting you understand [I]possible reasons for your husband

I spoke to my husband about the above we agreed.
Grocery:He will buy exactly what's on my list.
I'm willing to make him new products that he buys but not for me and the kids
If the store doesn't have "exactly" what I want he won't buy-because he doesn't call.
I'm not upset or critical when the shopping is not exactly my way, the way I like, mistakes.

Presents:His money he spends it the way he likes. I enjoy his generosity.
As much as he enjoys giving its not all on him. He tries to get something I enjoy.
He likes to surprise me-despite me trying to give hints. *new sometimes he asks his mother for help used to never ask
I realize he cares about me I say thank you even if it's not exactly my speed it the thought that counts(its hard I know)
He doesn't have to buy me a few, because I don't criticize. But if he's not sure which one I want HE must include a receipt to return the others(hard one on his part)also because he never does the returns) (he doesn't always want me to know how much he paid)
I buy him big, impractical presents. I don't tell him about it because he wants to be surprised. Sometimes I get it wrong. I dont often spend the generous money that he does. We both get we are separate people.

I don't know what your and your husband's ideas I'd but like every part of marriage talk about it if he's a loving dh just let it go. And appreciate the kind man he is. If it's unpractical I think if it's not every present. Hopefully he'll realize the present wasn't good for you. Like I better buy her a smaller flowers it don't fit on the table. If he doesn't realize these things or he's a self centered guy. The issue her is not the gifts.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 7:25 am
amother Opal wrote:
I can so relate. Does he do this just with gifts? Are you a critical person?

If I ask dh to buy me something at the grocery store he will buy me 3. The product I asked for, a new flavor that came out, and a other one he wasn't sure I'd I meant that one. I would be so upset I would have to return it. Why didn't he call me to ask me. My husband doesn't like to stay on phones. I realize a few things about my husband and our relationship.

1. He doesn't pay attention to details
2. He's a guy (like not all men know about flowers)
3. He wants to make me happy
4. I always seem to be disappointed, dissatisfied that adds to his trying harder and more and more to please.
5. This is what he likes. I like sameness, small, practical. he likes big, new products, generous-not complaining about the money.


I'm letting you understand [I]possible reasons for your husband

I spoke to my husband about the above we agreed.
Grocery:He will buy exactly what's on my list.
I'm willing to make him new products that he buys but not for me and the kids
If the store doesn't have "exactly" what I want he won't buy-because he doesn't call.
I'm not upset or critical when the shopping is not exactly my way, the way I like, mistakes.

Presents:His money he spends it the way he likes. I enjoy his generosity.
As much as he enjoys giving its not all on him. He tries to get something I enjoy.
He likes to surprise me-despite me trying to give hints. *new sometimes he asks his mother for help used to never ask
I realize he cares about me I say thank you even if it's not exactly my speed it the thought that counts(its hard I know)
He doesn't have to buy me a few, because I don't criticize. But if he's not sure which one I want HE must include a receipt to return the others(hard one on his part)also because he never does the returns) (he doesn't always want me to know how much he paid)
I buy him big, impractical presents. I don't tell him about it because he wants to be surprised. Sometimes I get it wrong. I dont often spend the generous money that he does. We both get we are separate people.

I don't know what your and your husband's ideas I'd but like every part of marriage talk about it if he's a loving dh just let it go. And appreciate the kind man he is. If it's unpractical I think if it's not every present. Hopefully he'll realize the present wasn't good for you. Like I better buy her a smaller flowers it don't fit on the table. If he doesn't realize these things or he's a self centered guy. The issue her is not the gifts.


I appreciate you writing this all out. Yes, they definitely have some similarities. I am pretty critical in general so maybe he is trying to overcompensate because of that. I guess I need to internalize this line: “His money he spends it the way he likes“
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 7:36 am
OP I nearly started Laughing (it takes alot for me to laugh lately) when you wrote the bouquet was huge and for a vort worth $400. I was wondering if you are in Shana Rishona or a little more. Read that you are Married 15 years and this is still going on. I guess you can just say ''Wow so sweet of you Honey''! Obviously it's not the money here that is upsetting you. (If my DH would buy me $400 Dollar flowers, I would be yelling my kishka's out and you would hear me in Canarsie)!Not easy but I am glad for you it's not the money part. Enjoy. This is your DH's Simchas Yomtov!
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 8:54 am
amother Sienna wrote:
OP I nearly started Laughing (it takes alot for me to laugh lately) when you wrote the bouquet was huge and for a vort worth $400. I was wondering if you are in Shana Rishona or a little more. Read that you are Married 15 years and this is still going on. I guess you can just say ''Wow so sweet of you Honey''! Obviously it's not the money here that is upsetting you. (If my DH would buy me $400 Dollar flowers, I would be yelling my kishka's out and you would hear me in Canarsie)!Not easy but I am glad for you it's not the money part. Enjoy. This is your DH's Simchas Yomtov!


Oh I have more stories that I could tell you!!! But I wish I could just fake it and say thanks. I can’t stand the over-the-topness!!
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 8:57 am
I don't think you are being unreasonable, he is. There is no reason you should smile for a $400 bouquet of flowers. That is almost manic spending in my opinion. I hope you can afford it. I think it's ok to show your disapproval for over the top spending even if it is all for you.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 11:02 am
justforfun87 wrote:
I don't think you are being unreasonable, he is. There is no reason you should smile for a $400 bouquet of flowers. That is almost manic spending in my opinion. I hope you can afford it. I think it's ok to show your disapproval for over the top spending even if it is all for you.


But obviously it’s not working, right? My reactions are never thanks so much, I love it. So I need to change that because I can’t change him as much as I want to. And he gets upset at me every time and it’s turning into a problem.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 11:09 am
justforfun87 wrote:
I don't think you are being unreasonable, he is. There is no reason you should smile for a $400 bouquet of flowers. That is almost manic spending in my opinion. I hope you can afford it. I think it's ok to show your disapproval for over the top spending even if it is all for you.


I agree somewhat. OP, your dh sounds somewhat compulsive, impulsive and insecure with this extreme buying. Of course you should try to show appreciation and not lash out in response but you should have a calm talk with him and suggest he ask you before making major purchases,
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amother
Maize


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 11:17 am
Is there a way of saying something like "I know you are giving me beautiful gifts to express your love, but it would make me really happy if you gave me smaller gifts and we put the rest of the money in the bank for our children's wedding, school, home renovations a nice family trip." With the shoes, I'd say "I am so touched that you noticed how much I wanted those beautiful shoes. I am going to keep one pair. That's really enough, but I'm going to return the others and let's save that money." If you anticipate the flowers, say to him "Let's keep the flowers small this time. I know you want me to enjoy them, but I enjoy them even more when they are modest and we can put money into our savings." You get the idea. Maybe even point out that there are even nice bouquets in the supermarket or give him a small vase from a prior arrangement to take to the florist to fill. The point is not to hurt his feelings, but to achieve a better balance. It's less romantic, but if you hate his excess spending, he doesn't accomplish his objectives anyway.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 12:05 pm
Cheiny wrote:
I agree somewhat. OP, your dh sounds somewhat compulsive, impulsive and insecure with this extreme buying. Of course you should try to show appreciation and not lash out in response but you should have a calm talk with him and suggest he ask you before making major purchases,


That never worked. He’s definitely impulsive
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 12:08 pm
amother Maize wrote:
Is there a way of saying something like "I know you are giving me beautiful gifts to express your love, but it would make me really happy if you gave me smaller gifts and we put the rest of the money in the bank for our children's wedding, school, home renovations a nice family trip." With the shoes, I'd say "I am so touched that you noticed how much I wanted those beautiful shoes. I am going to keep one pair. That's really enough, but I'm going to return the others and let's save that money." If you anticipate the flowers, say to him "Let's keep the flowers small this time. I know you want me to enjoy them, but I enjoy them even more when they are modest and we can put money into our savings." You get the idea. Maybe even point out that there are even nice bouquets in the supermarket or give him a small vase from a prior arrangement to take to the florist to fill. The point is not to hurt his feelings, but to achieve a better balance. It's less romantic, but if you hate his excess spending, he doesn't accomplish his objectives anyway.


His response to this would be that he works hard for his money and can do what he wants with it. It’s not going into savings, he has a separate cheshbon for that. It literally eats me up inside and he knows that but still thinks I really enjoy these gifts at the end of the day, I just can’t “fargin” myself enough to enjoy them right away. 😳

I do want to add that he’s like this in other areas as well. If I am pregnant and have a craving for a chocolate bar, he’ll come home with a bag full of goodies for me. It’s not just gifts and he’s not just generous to me. It’s for everyone. It’s how he is. I just can’t handle it anymore. It’s driving me crazy
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 12:15 pm
The question is , can you afford it? If you can then please just let it go and be happy.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 12:17 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
The question is , can you afford it? If you can then please just let it go and be happy.


We both work full time and have enough to pay our bills bH but the money he uses for these things is from a side job that he does that doesn’t go towards our expenses.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 12:18 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
The question is , can you afford it? If you can then please just let it go and be happy.


I’m trying to. I just don’t know how. Hence the post
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amother
Moccasin


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 1:04 pm
I need to remind myself that giving gifts make him feel like a gvir, and the more he spends the more of a gvir he feels. Possibly his mind is stuck on a certain dollar amount, and if I ask him for something that's less than that, he'll get me something resembling what I asked for but with added bells and whistles that I don't want and won't use. If I ask for a stainless-steel Parker pen from the local stationery store, he'll buy the Swiss Army knife of pens from the Sharper Image, with five colors of ink and six miniature drafting tools.

My early thinking was always "it's the thought that counts, not the gift itself." But after thirty-five years of this, I started thinking "If it's the thought that counts, his thought is obviously not about what I like!" Still...it's time to go back to the newlywed mode of thinking "how sweet that he bought me a gift, it makes him feel so good, the fact that I don't like it or even have use for it is not the point, I should be happy he thought enough to get me something, some husbands don't ever get their wives anything." Because resenting his gifts accomplishes nothing. It doesn't make me feel any better, and it definitely makes him feel worse. As long as he's not putting us in the poorhouse or depriving anyone of anything, does it really matter?

Maybe if I say this over and over often enough I'll start to feel it.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 1:38 pm
I can relate to a certain degree. Dh thinks money is meant to just enjoy and not think about and I think you are supposed to be intentional and not wasteful.

I had a story recently. I asked him to pick something up from the jewelry store and he came home with a pair of colored diamond earrings. It was so sweet, but it broke my heart to tell him it’s not practical or my taste and besides I would rather blow 2k on some nice art for my house (never got it yet) He claims I don’t fargin myself stuff (it’s partially true) but what should I do? Anyways he made sure it’s returnable he told the guy 99% I won’t keep it.
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amother
DarkRed


 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2023, 3:01 pm
amother OP wrote:
But obviously it’s not working, right? My reactions are never thanks so much, I love it. So I need to change that because I can’t change him as much as I want to. And he gets upset at me every time and it’s turning into a problem.


Op, I really relate to you, since my husband is exactly the same way. I find that so many people have the opposite challenge, of husband being stingy and more controlling around money.

I totally changed my mindset around after hearing a shalom bayis shiur, when I heard an explanation on the source that says that the women is the one who attracts riches. How? By accepting whatever the husband gives her with joy! Hashem has created marriage as a mashal to the relationship we have with Hashem. If God decides to give you abundance, and provides you with a huge mansion, will you complain and say what do I need this for? What are you thinking! On the contrary, you would be overjoyed and enjoy it.
Same way you should accept your husband's abundance, without judging or worrying that he is spending irresponsibly. (talking to myself now, cuz' this is an ongoing challenge after all)

This was a gamechanger for me! I realized that rich and poor is a mindset. And, no matter if we are well off, or not (have experienced both), my husband has a rich man's attitude! And I started to view that as a blessing!
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