Your teen daughter and your baby

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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ra_mom

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Just curious what the relationship between your teens and your baby is like . How much does your teen take care of the baby? How much do they love them hold them etc ?.

Trying to get a reality check and some input on my stepdaughters relationship with my baby..I dont have my own teens just this step daughter so I don't know what is normal teen behavior versus unhealthy. She lives with us full time and went through alot of traumas having to do with her own mother. So she definitely has some stuff going on. Anyway she is obsessed with the baby. Like actually obsessed. She hovers over him is forever grabbing him from me when she sees me wall out of my bedroom or rushing to hold him. When we go somewhere she grabs his stroller before I even have and pushes it like the baby is hers or she will disappear with him ahead even though I asked repeatedly not to run off with the baby. She will hold him and play with him for hours. And try to take him from me even when I say no thank you I am holding him now. I had to train her to ask can I please hold him versus just taking him( she is 16)

And even when I say no now I will hold him -she hovers over him stroking his hair or holding his hand like she literally can't be apart from him. What ends up happening is because he is in my arms she is basically hovering over me too and it's getting on my nerves. The only time she isn't into him is when she goes on her tablet and chats with friends etc.
The only time I get to have my own baby is when she isn't home ! She does have tons of friends and loves to socialize and she is out of the house with friends alot but she's also home alot and when she is it seems to me like her attachment to the baby is extreme but then again what do I know. Maybe all teens are like that and perhaps if it's your own teen by then the baby is usually number 8 or 9 and your glad for all the help.
But I want to raise my own baby and I feel like I don't get to have him as much as I want because I have to share him with her. I can't always say no you can't have him.

Also might sound crazy but because she truly loves him and spends so much time with him baby loves her too! And has no problem going to her versus to me. Like we are equals. And hello I'm the mother. It makes me so so resentful . I learned to be more firm when I say I am holding him now please give me back his stroller I am pushing him now. But she does push back....you held him all morning why can't I hold him now. And I answer because I am the mother and I am not in competition with you over who holds him more.

Obviously everything said with respect because everything is a dance trying to always be loving and kind to her at the same
Time..

What sort of trauma did she go through with her own mother? It sounds like she's trying to protect the baby. From what? Possible in her mind she's protecting baby from trauma she perceives a mother can inflict. It doesn't sound like she's over her trauma and might be projecting.

amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:40 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Sounds like you unintentionally turned this into a power struggle with her.

I would start praising her a ton for the help and love she’s giving him. Let go of your control a bit! You are the mom, no matter what she does. Hovering is one thing I wouldn’t be ok with but the rest is your own issues that need to be worked on. Once you do you’ll see she’ll start relating to the baby in a more healthy way.

It's very possible I did. But it was an effort to reclaim my baby yes I know that sounds crazy. In the beginning I used to just not say anything when she would take him and I realized that wasn't working for me..and I needed to be more assertive. To me there shouldn't be any power struggle.. im not sure why I need to compete with her for the right to hold my own baby.

What are my issues that I need to work on? I genuinely would love to hear what it is that's triggering me. Meaning what could be some possibilities? In my head I simply want to hold him and love him. Maybe if I had 7 kids I'd think differently.

Also what can I do about the hovering issue ?
Saying please don't take him is one thing but how can I say please stop hovering here and stroking him ? I have said gently I need some space and she doesn't even respond or budge.

amother

Jean

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:44 am

amother OP wrote:

We need more info

How old is she
Does she live with you full time
Is this baby her only sibling
Do you work

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

"Please stop hovering here and stroking the baby"

Kidding. What if you have a conversation with her about this dynamic in general? "Dd, I noticed you really love baby and stick around him a lot, even when I tell you I need space. Can you tell me more about that?" The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen has a formula for this type of conversation.

amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:49 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

She can push back, but you can tell her it's not up for discussion. Smile and say it pleasantly. You can also say "I'm so glad you want to help. Thank you! But I don't need help with the baby now. But I would love if you would x y z..." give her something else to do, or tell her you'll need help with him later to watch him while you nap etc.

It is normal for teens to be obsessed with babies to a degree. It's normal for teens to be extreme in general. Just keep your cool and answer her calmly, and don't get drawn into a back and forth.

This sounds good . Thank you but I dont need your help right now... versus thank you so much for your help...praising her when she does help.

mommyhood

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Because I want to be his mother. Because I want him to attach to me as the foundation for a healthy life for him ahead. Yes he is safe but I want to raise him!

But as an aside for that I'm wondering how much is a regular sibling attachment versus extreme..alot of my irritation also comes from the fact that I view the obsession ad unhealthy and maybe it isn't maybe all teens are like that ? And the mothers just don't mind because they are glad for the help.

It’s a bit extreme but I wouldn’t call it unhealthy. It’s pretty normal for girls to be baby obsessed, especially a less mature girl who hasn’t had a baby in a long time.
In terms of attachment, I would not worry about that although it’s easier said than done. Your baby knows your the mother, I’m guessing the teen isn’t taking him to the doctor, getting up in the middle of the night and in general there’s just an inborn connection that babies have to their mothers. Even if they spend most of the day with siblings, babysitter, Bubby, they still have a special connection to their mothers.

amother

Iris

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:52 am

amother Peony wrote:

Oh please. Unless OP mentions otherwise, why would anyone assume that she can't act responsibly at the age of 16. No need to infantalize her for no reason.

It isn’t for no reason. OP tells her not to go ahead and not to take the baby at certain times and the 16-year old doesn’t listen. A responsible 16-year old would be more respectful IMHO.

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:52 am

Op is this your first baby? I can see how that can be exceptionally difficult.

Her behavior doesn’t sound crazy abnormal but slowly setting boundaries without the power struggle can help- you can watch baby in half hour when I shower till then I need space etc.

the world's best mom

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:59 am

My teenagers also love my baby to pieces, as they did for all of my kids. They also want to hold her all the time, and will try to take her away from me. I don't blame them; she is an adorable little thing who loves attention and rewards them with smiles.

But OP, it is natural for you to be more resentful because the person who is trying to help with your baby is not your child. Your kneejerk reaction is to see her as the unwanted presence interfering with your bond with your baby.

However, this is a perfect opportunity for you to show her you accept her as a child, that you really appreciate her help and her interest in your baby. You baby will still love you the most- are you with him all day and night? Does he spend more time alone with you than he does with her? Do you nurse him?

I do understand your feelings because I, too, am super attached to my babies and don't ever want to leave them with anyone else. And even though my teenaged girls help a lot, they are extremely attached to me.

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:03 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear that it bothers you, but you need to tread really carefully here.

I don't know if triggered is the right word, but I think you want you want to be able to treat him as your only child (which you usually would be able to with a firstborn, so it's understandable that the dynamic is difficult for you) whereas this new baby is part of your blended family. So you do need to factor her in as well as part of the family in relation to the new baby.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:07 am

Make the most of the situation by drawing her closer. Praise and warmth. I agree you have plenty of time to bond in the day. Maybe you can give her specific times that she's responsible like before supper so you can prep. Or 1 evening a week so you can have a date night. I think it's a great opportunity for you to work as a team and become closer.

amother

Mintcream

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:20 am

How old is the baby? If it’s only a few months it is only normal for her to be obsessed. Once the baby gets harder she wont want him anymore.
Maybe you can keep her more busy with other things so she “forgets” about the baby a little. I had a baby after a big break a didn’t feel my older kids took away from me even though they held the baby tons. I am the one feeding bathing and changing the diaper and when the baby becomes a toddler they pick up the family Dynamics.

Regarding the hovering, maybe she is trying to bond with you through the baby. I personally will obsess together with her over the baby for a few minutes and then tell her,” I am taking care of the baby right now you can come back in an hour to take him for a walk around the block. But it is normal that bath time and any milestone becomes a family affair and that is so healthy.

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:20 am

amother OP wrote:

It's very possible I did. But it was an effort to reclaim my baby yes I know that sounds crazy.

If you're home with him all day (I assume she's out for school for at least 7 hours?) and presumably the one who does night feedings, then why do you feel that you need to 'reclaim' your baby if someone else looks after him for a couple of hours a day?

Feeling like she is taking away your motherhood because of this is a little extreme.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:35 am

Op
You want to have a happy healthy home marriage children and family
Please get a mentor to help with step parenting blended family issues
In order to maximize for success
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Salmon

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:39 am

Yes my teens looove my babies!!! Babies even run to my teens over me.never had this before but never had teens and babies before.you need to step parent very carefully on this one.

amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:06 pm

amother Peony wrote:

Remember I'm posting this after Yom tov and long break from school so naturally it was more extreme past few days when we are all home. And the more she takes care of him the more she wants him even more. She doesn't get a fill and then moves on.

giftedmom

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:12 pm

This is hard! As she’s not your biological child and this is your first baby.
Personally my baby has many “mommies” in the sense that she will gladly go from me to my pre-teen dd and teen siblings. I am so happy for her that she has so many people who love her.
At the end of the day she knows good and well who her mother is.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:14 pm

Please get professional help and don't go by what posters are saying here, not saying against any specific poster just sounds like there are a lot of factors that make it more complicated.

Iymnok

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:49 pm

I too have a new baby and a teen. Two young teenage girls. They want to hold tier new sister all the time, take her on walks to show her off to friends, change her into cuter clothes, and so on.
It’s normal.
But I am the mother. I try to let them care for their new sister as much as I can while teaching them about the magical mother baby bond.

Talk to a professional about how to handle this delicate situation. Both children need you, but you have to tread carefully. It is normal and a bit not normal at the same time.

amother

Tan

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:50 pm

Something sounds very off. I was that teen who waited YEARS for a younger sibling and when it arrived I was definitely obsessed, but did not act this way AT ALL. Something is not right. Also its very normal for a mother to want to feel attached to her child instead of the child attaching to others. In the frum community we are used to children attaching to siblings b/c we have large families, but this feeling is very normal and would be a red flag if a mother was so ready to hand off her baby so easily!!

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