Your teen daughter and your baby

amother

Snowdrop

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's very possible I did. But it was an effort to reclaim my baby yes I know that sounds crazy. In the beginning I used to just not say anything when she would take him and I realized that wasn't working for me..and I needed to be more assertive. To me there shouldn't be any power struggle.. im not sure why I need to compete with her for the right to hold my own baby.

What are my issues that I need to work on? I genuinely would love to hear what it is that's triggering me. Meaning what could be some possibilities? In my head I simply want to hold him and love him. Maybe if I had 7 kids I'd think differently.

Also what can I do about the hovering issue ?
Saying please don't take him is one thing but how can I say please stop hovering here and stroking him ? I have said gently I need some space and she doesn't even respond or budge.

op, dont let anyone make you feel guilty.
It is your baby.
you are trying to make sense of a stepdaughter who means well but is clearly not completely attuned that you are the mom.
good luck
your step daughter is lucky to have you as a step mom

lamplighter

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:29 pm

I think it would be a good idea to speak with a professional to help you sort through what is normal, what is unhealthy, and what is needed to build your new family up with this new addition.

This is not just your baby, this baby shifts all the dynamics in the family, everyones role is changed and everyone is affected. This is a lot for your stepdaughter, she has lots of big feelings around this - a sibling, a desire to protect, a fear of being less than to her step mom and her father. You and your husband also have big feelings and everyone's adjustment needs to be honored and navigated with compassion.

At the moment it sounds like you feel competition with your own 16 year old. It sounds like you see her as a threat. This should be explored.

amother

Mayflower

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Just curious what the relationship between your teens and your baby is like . How much does your teen take care of the baby? How much do they love them hold them etc ?.

Trying to get a reality check and some input on my stepdaughters relationship with my baby..I dont have my own teens just this step daughter so I don't know what is normal teen behavior versus unhealthy. She lives with us full time and went through alot of traumas having to do with her own mother. So she definitely has some stuff going on. Anyway she is obsessed with the baby. Like actually obsessed. She hovers over him is forever grabbing him from me when she sees me wall out of my bedroom or rushing to hold him. When we go somewhere she grabs his stroller before I even have and pushes it like the baby is hers or she will disappear with him ahead even though I asked repeatedly not to run off with the baby. She will hold him and play with him for hours. And try to take him from me even when I say no thank you I am holding him now. I had to train her to ask can I please hold him versus just taking him( she is 16)

And even when I say no now I will hold him -she hovers over him stroking his hair or holding his hand like she literally can't be apart from him. What ends up happening is because he is in my arms she is basically hovering over me too and it's getting on my nerves. The only time she isn't into him is when she goes on her tablet and chats with friends etc.
The only time I get to have my own baby is when she isn't home ! She does have tons of friends and loves to socialize and she is out of the house with friends alot but she's also home alot and when she is it seems to me like her attachment to the baby is extreme but then again what do I know. Maybe all teens are like that and perhaps if it's your own teen by then the baby is usually number 8 or 9 and your glad for all the help.
But I want to raise my own baby and I feel like I don't get to have him as much as I want because I have to share him with her. I can't always say no you can't have him.

Also might sound crazy but because she truly loves him and spends so much time with him baby loves her too! And has no problem going to her versus to me. Like we are equals. And hello I'm the mother. It makes me so so resentful . I learned to be more firm when I say I am holding him now please give me back his stroller I am pushing him now. But she does push back....you held him all morning why can't I hold him now. And I answer because I am the mother and I am not in competition with you over who holds him more.

Obviously everything said with respect because everything is a dance trying to always be loving and kind to her at the same
Time..

Same here with my own kids.
They will literally roll under my feet to greet her and knock me down.
They don’t get that unfortunately there is a grownup attached to the baby 😝

amother

Mayflower

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Because I want to be his mother. Because I want him to attach to me as the foundation for a healthy life for him ahead. Yes he is safe but I want to raise him!

But as an aside for that I'm wondering how much is a regular sibling attachment versus extreme..alot of my irritation also comes from the fact that I view the obsession ad unhealthy and maybe it isn't maybe all teens are like that ? And the mothers just don't mind because they are glad for the help.

Her reaction is on the more affectionate side of normal

amother

Ginger

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:54 pm

My oldest daughter is 11 years older then my baby. She also loves him a lot. I think in the beginning its very exciting and new but over time it will get a bit old. For example if my daughter "steals" him from me, I say he's all yours for the next 5 minutes and run to do something else. She doesn't always like that because she just wanted a hug not to take care of him. As the baby gets bigger, more mobile and has its own personality she may not like watching him all the time. It used to also bother me that he likes her as much as he likes me (there are many children in between the two of them). But he's almost 1 1/2 now and he definitely has a preference for me but I do appreciate that he goes to her just as easily. It gives me a break sometimes. I think it helps that I nurse so he knows who feeds him. He also used to call her Ma which she would encourage, but I told her that she's not allowed to. I'm his mother!

amother

Vanilla

Sun, May 28 2023, 4:47 pm

amother Kiwi wrote:

It is normal
of course you are the baby's mother raising him
no question
this is not a competition
interesting that her running ahead with the stroller and wanting to be with baby so much causes this type of reaction...? it is not always about help it is about love and having a loving home and healthy sib relationships
many teen girls are "obsessed" with babies and their baby sibs

don't pathologize that which is normal for many teens especially teen girls
it is well within the normal healthy range
(doubt you would prefer she were jealous/angry/resentful of baby...?)
let it go

I agree
Most of my teen girls are obsessed with my babies and their friends are obsessed with theirs. All the things youre saying they do --- like fight over pushing the stroller, for sure causes arguments. And my 8 and 10 year olds are vying for time with the baby too.

I put boundaries so no one wakes him up. They'd watch him.sleep in his crib if I let, and then "accidentally " wake him up. And I'm having babies every 2 to 3 years. They're still obsessed. The babies love them back and it's a special relationship.

[Mind you they disappear when he's dirty or kvetchy for hours].

Dint worry, your baby knows wh it's mother is!!!! She's lucky enough to have a big sis too!.

Step dd sounds normal. If you want you can check in with people who know her who have babies you can double check.

Honestly, I hate to say it, but because step dd isn't "yours" I think you're feeling more of a competition.

Golde

Sun, May 28 2023, 5:41 pm

I second everyone saying you might benefit from some professional advice on how to manage a blended family.

And then to just throw in my two cents: your step dd's reaction sounds pretty normal to me, a bit on the extreme side yes, but still normal. My tween dd was the same with our baby. However your reaction to your step dd seems worrying. My dd was always taking the baby as you describe but I never once felt competition, I felt love between my children. I think the issue is that she is your step dd and you don't love her like you love the new baby. You need to be very careful. Remember you're giving your baby the most beautiful gift by having a sister that loves him so dearly. There's no way, absolutely no way, she will take your place in his life. You will always be the mom and she will be the sister. He can love you both. (And yes, it's completely normal for babies to "prefer" older siblings to their mom. When he needs you, he will want you, not her.)

You sound like a loving, caring mom. You will figure this out Smile

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 5:47 pm

Golde wrote:

Yes, just thinking now. I have a family member who had another baby after a gap of many years. And part of the whole excitement was giving her children a sibling. So of course she was happy for them to look after the baby, it was their simcha too.

That's why this is so delicate. It sounds like it's so exciting for her to get a new sibling, and her feelings on this shouldn't get crushed just because she's a step daughter. It must be REALLY hard for OP and I don't want to dismiss that, but it's important to navigate this carefully.

amother

Winterberry

Sun, May 28 2023, 9:37 pm

I think this may be complicated by a feeling that she is not respecting your authority or your role in the home. Running off with the stroller almost feels like she is taunting you or possibly a dynamic where she resents your being the partner of her father. I don't know how long you have been married or what her relationship is like with your husband. Has she been living in your home for long? It is challenging enough to have a biological child who is a teen, but having a teenage step child adds a level of complication to the relationship. Is she respectful of your role as her father's wife? Was she an only child until this baby was born? Perhaps she is afraid of being unseated in her position and wants to be very demonstrative of her love to this child. Maybe she is also desperate to rebuild her family. Where is your dh in this conversation? Obviously, you want to be very gentle when exploring the issues with him. Do you have any interest in spending time alone with your sd and trying to bond with her. Perhaps that will engender good will and lessen some of the competition. Can you and sd do an activity together like taking baby cpr that will make you feel like you're on the same team and to teach her additional responsibility?

imasinger

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:44 pm

I agree, find a therapist with experience with blended families. I'm sure you can find someone good where you live, it doesn't have to be someone Jewish.

For the immediate fix, try clear boundaries -- "DSD, you are such a loving sister. I'm going to give Baby to you from ___ to ___ (at least 30-40 minutes), and then it's time for you to go to ____ [your room/set the table/do your homework, whatever], and I'm closing my door for my time, so I can [nurse/give a bottle/give a bath/do some mommy tummy time alone, whatever].

But you're going to need help to sort this all through, these are not simple matters. BTDT with a DSD. It was intense. That being said, I never doubted for a second that my babies would think their teen siblings were equal to me. And they never did. You're the mother, no matter how much hovering or holding or stroller pushing DSD does -- unless you're neglectful, which you're clearly not, DS will still not get confused about that. If you want, you can PM me for more of my story, I'm not posting it here. No pressure, though.

essie14

Sun, May 28 2023, 11:11 pm

imasinger wrote:

Agree that you should get a therapist, doesn't have to be jewish. Stepparents and blended families have universal issues. Nothing that you posted about has anything to.do with being frum. A therapist will help all of you navigate this very delicate relationship.
You don't mention your husband at all and I think he should be involved as well.
I'm also a stepmom to teens with a bio-DD so I totally get you. My husband is very good at setting the boundaries.
Feel free to PM me. Good luck!
You sound like a wonderful mom and stepmom.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, May 29 2023, 2:15 am

amother Tan wrote:

Something sounds very off. I was that teen who waited YEARS for a younger sibling and when it arrived I was definitely obsessed, but did not act this way AT ALL. Something is not right. Also its very normal for a mother to want to feel attached to her child instead of the child attaching to others. In the frum community we are used to children attaching to siblings b/c we have large families, but this feeling is very normal and would be a red flag if a mother was so ready to hand off her baby so easily!!

While things may be off with step dd, nothing op posted about sdd is alarming.

What op posted, her feelings of not wanting to hand over baby are normal too.

It's hard to hand over the baby ti siblings, to grandparents, even to dh. But these all have a relationship that you need to give space. siblings have a very special, very close relationship and their attachment is part of that, the time and attention they put in often surpasses the father. Yes it intrudes on your TIME with the baby, but believe me your baby knows who it's mother is. It also knows who it's father is. And it knows who it's siblings are and just has more love because of it!!

Op, your feelings are normal but so is sdd. However. the threatened feeling you have is reacting to her thecway many would to their mother in law wanting the baby.
But a sibling is a much closer much more intense relationship than a grandparent. Please get guidance to give sdd and your baby the opportunity without you feeling threatened. And yes, it may mean you give up some time with the baby. I'm sorry. I think those of us with teens find it easier only because we cherish the sibling bond being built.

I am a step daughter from my teen years (yesomah), and while they never had a "ours" I can totally see this dynamic. I feel for you, but I think your (lack of) relationship and closeness w sdd is getting in your way. Please please don't crush sdd.

amother

Vanilla

Mon, May 29 2023, 2:29 am

amother Iris wrote:

Not necessarily. A 16-year old who doesn’t listen when a parent says don’t go ahead, may also not be so attuned or concerned to dangers such as a busy road.

Oh come on!

Really now.Are you talking about a 16 year old or an 8 year old!?!?

A 16 year old knows full well she's safe with a baby. All she feels is that the parent is being controlling.
If she's super respectful she'll obey anyway (possibly seething inside if this is all the time)

Otherwise.....well you've just created a teen power struggle for no reason.

Unless there is a particular issue with this teen, your average and even below average 16yo is perfectly safe with a baby, could get a job in a legal day care, and can drive that baby in a car as well!!
And she knows it too.

amother

Iris

Mon, May 29 2023, 3:18 am

amother Vanilla wrote:

As I mentioned before, I am a parent of both bio and stepteens. I also have a young child and I have an 18-year old DSC who I would not let look after our youngest. I wish it were different but it isn’t. It is not a power struggle but about my job as a parent not to leave my child with someone I don’t fully trust. In the past when I have left my child with the teen, while in the house, there have been some incidents, thankfully nothing serious. One time, I had to stop DSC from letting DC go near the road. She was 18 at the time. I have raised DSC since she was a young girl so it isn’t about the fact she is a “step” vs a bio kid. Not all older DCs are capable child carers. And at the end of the day, siblings are NOT the parent. It is my duty to keep my young child safe, not a teen sibling.

With OP, when a 16-year old who does not listen to a parent when they are in charge, this is a risk. Why should OP risk her baby’s care just to reach out to a teen? She is perfectly within her right not to. And if DSC is disappointed, she can have her own DCs one day.