Do kids get a say re:guests

heidi

Sun, May 28 2023, 1:16 pm

OP, as the mother of several older singles, I understand that they don't always want guests. However, a 28 year old shouldn't really be living at home. Maybe it's time for him to get a place where he can live the way he wants to without dictating who you can and can't host.
And I don't see anything wrong with guests sharing a common bathroom for a limited amount of time.

amother

Seashell

Sun, May 28 2023, 1:52 pm

Before I invite guests I discuss it with my family and they have the opportunity to voice concerns. I make the decision based on the feedback I get. It is their home as well.

There is a couple in my neighborhood and my 22yo DD is completely troubled by how the DH speaks to the DW. He is absolutely condescending, insulting and mansplains to her. I have a greater understanding than DD if him, and like the wife and want to support her. This doesn’t not mean I need to invite them when DD is home, for her to watch and get upset. When she is away for Shabbos is my opportunity to have them.

We don’t know why your DS is unhappy. Is it about attention? Was he inappropriate and makes DS uncomfortable or triggered? Does DS live home all the time or go away for some shabboses?

You need to communicate with DS.

My children should be tolerant and giving but I will not make them uncomfortable in their own home.

amother

Raspberry

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:04 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Why doesn't he like when guests come to sleep? Honestly I don't think it's so common to have non related sleeping guests when there isn't an extra bathroom.

Most people don't have extra bathrooms exclusively for guests. They share. It's pretty normal.

amother

Mocha

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:06 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

Most people don't have extra bathrooms exclusively for guests. They share. It's pretty normal.

It depends how many bathrooms are in the house.

There's probably a reason OP's son is unhappy. I wouldn't be so quick to write it off, even if he didn't communicate it in a mature way.

amother

Raspberry

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:09 pm

Op, your child is old enough to make other plans for Shabbos if he doesn't like having guests. I do take kids opinions but not when it's just that they don't want to share.

amother

Camellia

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

My son just doesn’t like when guests come to sleep.
I haven’t had a none relative sleep over in many years because I know he doesn’t like it but I think I am entitled to have someone come to my house at least once in several years.
My son feels differently. He feels I shouldn’t have anyone ever if he is home because he doesn’t like it because they need to share a bathroom.

This whole conversation would be different if your son was actually a kid. Like maybe 18-19 or younger. He's a full grown adult who can be married and have his own household, or at least rent with friends. He may be living at home but he should really get no consideration in your decisions.

I have an older divorced sister who basically moved back home for shabbos - she still doesn't get a say and if she doesn't like weekend plans or guests, she can stay in her regular apartment.

Chayalle

Sun, May 28 2023, 2:29 pm

I'm really surprised that people don't think the needs of older single children need consideration. I think there may be different norms in different circles, but where older single children living at home is normal/typical, they certainly need to be treated with consideration.

There are certain guests that I would invite only when some family members are away for Shabbos/YT, if it would make them uncomfortable. My kids come first. And my relationship with them means the world to me.

amother

Poppy

Sun, May 28 2023, 3:04 pm

As the child in these scenarios, my request is to just inform. As in, if you are inviting me to stay, let me know who else will be there so I can either accept or deny the invitation. If you already invited me and decide to invite someone after I’m already coming, then it’s respectful and considerate to ask if I’m ok with it. If I’m not, I’ll say something or back out.

My parents have many friends I am uncomfortable around. I do not go if they will be there. My biggest pet peeve, and where I will have a bad reaction, is if I’m invited, come, then find out once I’m there that someone was also invited and is there too. It’s a very unfair position to put me in and can so easily be avoided

That being said, your DSs reaction was immature. He should calmly communicate his issues and come up with a solution to avoid this situation repeating itself

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, May 28 2023, 3:07 pm

Chayalle wrote:

yes
well said

Golde

Sun, May 28 2023, 5:07 pm

Chayalle wrote:

But in this case OP hasn't had a sleepover guest in years because of DS, and because he doesn't want to share a bathroom with any guest. In this case it's also DS who must treat his parents with consideration and let them host every once in a while. Consideration should go both ways at this age.

amother

Raspberry

Sun, May 28 2023, 5:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

You're talking about specific guests. If your kids said no guests ever because they don't like sharing would you agree to that? I don't think I'd be doing my kids any favors in that situation and I wout try to help them work through the discomfort.

Chayalle

Sun, May 28 2023, 6:40 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

Definitely it should be a discussion to try and see what the issues are, and how they can be worked out....I wouldn't let it get to the point that my child is uncomfortable and makes a scene....

zaq

Sun, May 28 2023, 7:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

The man is 28. Time for him to get his own place and let you live the life you want. Quit knuckling under to him. The less comfy he is, the more likely it is that he'll get off his tuffet and move out.

amother

DarkGray

Sun, May 28 2023, 7:26 pm

I would say if there's a specific guest or guest that bothers him it's reasonable to request they aren't invited, but he shouldn't have the right to say you can't have any guests (unless you're asking him to give up his bedroom, then it's more complicated)

zaq

Sun, May 28 2023, 7:44 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

I don't think it's fair to force kids to share a bathroom with strangers. I'd be very uncomfortable with that

Get real. It's not as if they're being forced to shower together. Do your children not use the bathrooms in school and at at camp? Did your sons not go to sleepaway yeshiva? Do your dds not go to seminary? No individual bathrooms in any of those places.

amother

Snowflake

Sun, May 28 2023, 7:54 pm

This is silly for a 28 yr old to behave this way.

If he doesn't like it, he can make other plans--including just moving out into his own place overall.

The most he can request is to know who you plan to have as guests over this or that shabbos or chag or whatever time he may be there, and then he can choose to be elsewhere if he'd like--without a hissy fit.

My 18 yr old complains about the new garbage can I bought--it's a pretty basic garbage can, it's normal to use, and I don't understand why it vexes him so. I pointed out that now that he's 18, he can start working on becoming independent and getting his own place and making it how he likes it....he eagerly agreed, albeit a bit too focused imho on his garbage can preference lol.