Your teen daughter and your baby

amother

Iris

Mon, May 29 2023, 2:17 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

While you may have the exception, an 18 year old who is not responsible, this is not the norm and nothing op has said has indicated this teen is particularly irresponsible.

You're using an exception to prove a point.

Reasonably normal 16 yo who are spending plenty of time with their baby sib will quickly pick up what is necessary.

Op is not risking the baby to "reach out". Op is simply needing to navigate life with teens and not stifle the sibling relationship.

When you consistently give teens babyish controlling rules you will trigger passive aggressive misbehavior - which might be why sdd just keeps pushing on ahead and not obeying. Please, for 80% or more of 16 year olds there is nothing unsafe about pushing a stroller ahead or taking a baby to a different room. Especially their own sibling so they're used to babies in general and specificallythis one. I have never heard of such a concern unless there was a severe delay or attention issue!

Unless op comes back and says this sdd has particular issues (other than loving her new baby) you're example is misplaced.

My DSC may be an exception but maybe she may share more in common with OP’s 16-Year old who is also a SC and has been through trauma. Most older teens will listen to the mother of the child when they say “do not go off ahead of me” or “please give DC back to me now” but OP’s DSC wasn’t doing that which gave me reason to compare my own DSC in this case. As I have also said, in the past I let my DSC take care of her sibling but it didn’t go well.

Also, I was a teen stepchild as well and while I was in many ways wise and mature for my age, I would not have been able to look after a young Step-sibling so luckily there weren’t any!

OP came here for advice and while I think a lot of the other advice she has received on here is sound, I am just giving another perspective from my experience. We are talking about a baby’s safety and IMHO, it is worth being prudent. I don’t think what OP requested was babyish or controlling but OP can disregard what I am saying. OP likely will do this as in another post she says that her SDC is 100% safe with the baby which is good.

amother

Iris

Mon, May 29 2023, 2:39 pm

amother Red wrote:

As a fellow stepmother with an older daughter, she's younger by a few years. I relate to everything you are saying.
It is so hard.
For all those saying it's normal or the OP is reading into it, please remember, unless you have been a parent in a blended family situation, you will not understand.
I remember as a high school teacher, judging certain parents, stepmothers etc.
Until I became a stepmother.
My daughter treats the two youngest (my bio kids) as her possessions. Yes, from the outside it looks like care and concern, a bit of obsessiveness and worry. Yes, she loves them and they love her but even her therapist noticed that this is not typical or healthy.
I have no clue her background, she may have been parentified, spousified or given a lot of responsibility as a young child, but your baby should not be her therapy tool.
She needs a good therapist (as do you and your husband - for me it's a non negotiable) and you need to set clear boundaries.
Yes, she's not a child, and she shouldn't be treated as one but she may never have had loving, clear, firm boundaries in her life.
Since she's older you may want to give her more responsibilities with the baby but only what you are comfortable with.
There is nothing wrong with saying, please go out of the baby's room while he's sleeping.
If she is mature and you have a good relationship, you may want to discuss things with her, and explain, but you don't have to.
You are your baby's mother.
You are the captain of the home.
I know it's difficult, I felt threatened by my daughter when she was 8 ( for good reason) and it doesn't get easier.
With good therapy and communication, it can get much much better

Thank you for this post Red. As a fellow stepmom who raised three SDCs in addition to my bio kids, I unfortunately know what it is like to have my step-parenting continuously judged and worse, misunderstood. So thank you for writing this.

amother

Red

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:36 pm

amother Iris wrote:

I usually hold myself back (there was a thread about someone looking to date a man with a child) from commenting cuz the response is always so naive and clueless.
"You have to love them like your own child!"
" Remember that he's a father first and then your husband!"
" Don't marry him if you aren't going to be the most amazing, patient, wonderful mother while you are dealing with stepchildren who by definition have gone through trauma and are difficult"
Like, really. Does anyone ever think to tell the stepchildren to love their stepmother like their own mother? Of course not, everyone realizes that it's so different.
So how can you tell a stepmother to love her stepchild like her own. She can SHOW the same amount of love, but the emotion is real and can't be forced.
I remember my therapist telling me " you don't have to love them" and I was shocked, it was so different to what everyone else was saying. "Your marriage comes first" another wise saying that was against all the other comments.
I've learned to ignore the majority of the advice I get and follow only those who really understand what is going on.
Best advice I ever heard (from Sara Rivka kohn of links) the parents should have a rav and therapist at least as long as there are still children living at home.

amother

Peony

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:39 pm

amother Red wrote:

Most of the responses on that thread were actually from step moms, some who have mentioned so clearly using their screen names many times in the past. So while they might have differing opinions from you, they definitely weren't clueless.

amother

Red

Mon, May 29 2023, 9:03 pm

amother Peony wrote:

I noticed the step mums, they weren't the ones saying things like this.
Yes, of course people have different opinions and experiences.
I feel, from my experience that people really do not understand the blended family dynamic or stepparenting difficulties unless they are in that situation.