Help me not be burned out from hosting

heidi

Tue, May 30 2023, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

That’s a good idea but I don’t think a deposit would fly. It’s common practice in my neighborhood to host as a chessed…I think that’d come across as just plain weird.

OP, BH we live in a very warm community and I have hosted countless guests for shabbat smachot. I have never even heard of the kind of stories you're telling. Honestly, it sounds like something was quite off with this family. Or maybe they are family of yours and took liberties that strangers wouldn't. Honestly it sounds like there's more to the story.
I'm not sure why you didn't march yourself right over to the simcha and tell the parents to come get their kids.
In all my years hosting I ONCE had a couple with a few kids that left open full cans of coke on my furniture and decided to light candles on the wood furniture in my basement (I only noticed when I went downstairs to get some toys for my kids). I said nothing to the baalat simcha, but the next time she asked I told her why I wouldn't host them.

Cheiny

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:16 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

I took a break from hosting for simchas that went into the covid period and I never really went back to it. Part of it is that we rearranged the house in a way that didn’t give guests their own separate area, just a guest room/office now and guests need to share the bathroom with my kids. But it was good for my boys to be separate rooms and so we changed it around and during covid no one came anyway.

I think what led me to do what was good for us was this: some time ago a family came to stay (hosting for a simcha I wasn’t even invited to as a last minute favor) and they had the whole 3rd floor to themselves and a bathroom. That is where the guest room used to be. But I overheard the wife complaining bitterly about the accommodations which I thought were entirely acceptable, but no it wasn’t a 5 star hotel. We also had been away that week and I had little time to prepare so the house was messier than usual (we came home right before shabbos and only had time to get food ready). Still their room was clean, they had their own bathroom and were shown everything in the kitchen if they needed coffee or food. I felt so ashamed after hearing this young lady complain that I stopped saying yes and made excuses when people asked.

Every now and then I feel badly we don’t have a real guest suite anymore, but I felt so ashamed after that experience - especially since I think I keep things nice. I just don’t want “fancy” people I don’t know staying here. If the young families expect a hotel they should stay in one. I also don’t relate to the standards. I live in a big house with plenty of space but when I was younger we lived in apartments and people slept on our couches or air mattresses. we also stayed with families in apartments, on kids beds, (kids giving up their rooms for guests) shared bathrooms etc. Nowadays the expectations are off the charts.

So sorry you experienced that… talk about lack of gratitude! I would’ve made her aware that you overheard, and said something like, “I’m so sorry that you find our accommodations lacking. Perhaps a five start hotel would be a better option for you next time.”

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:19 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Everyone who is telling OP not to allow families with children are missing an important point. If you live OOT, and are asked to put up a family for a neighbor or friend's simcha, you must do it. Otherwise, when you are in that situation making a simcha, no one will put up your family with children.

It’s true. I stopped doing it when my kids were all past bar mitzvah and mostly no one was asking since the younger crowd doesn’t know me. By the time covid lockdown was over, my kids were all past that age.

amother

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:25 pm

Cheiny wrote:

If ba kid (or anyone else) can open the lock, it’s not locked.
Get a real lock that they can’t open.

I want my own kids to be able to have access. The purpose of the lock is to a) make sure much younger kids can’t easily unlock it (in this case I’m guessing the ten year old opened it) and b) to serve as a ‘sign’, so to speak, (together with the actual printed sign asking people not to open the closet). I wouldn’t have assumed if you have a lock and sign it would be ignored…didn’t realize I had to get one that is impossible for a ten year old to open…

amother

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:26 pm

amother Aster wrote:

You are 100% correct. In my neighborhood this is very accepted and expected. If I never host, I won’t have people hosting for my Simcha…

amother

Tangerine

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

How about a combination lock that only your kids know the code to?

amother

Vermilion

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:29 pm

Cheiny wrote:

If ba kid (or anyone else) can open the lock, it’s not locked.
Get a real lock that they can’t open.

I will disagree. If a door is locked, honestly even if it is just closed and you weren’t invited to open the door, it is not appropriate and chutzpah to open it. I am so glad that you may know how to open a door with a Bobby pin, but that doesn’t mean you have any right to or put the onus on me.
My bedroom and bathroom doors can all be unlocked with a pin which I keep on top of the door frame. If the door is locked or even closed, respect that. Don’t climb up and get the pin and open doors on people or invade their privacy or space. It is just wrong.

amother

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:31 pm

heidi wrote:

I host about 2/4 weekends a month (though some months can be quieter and some every week). So over the years it’s been MANY guests. As I said in the beginning of the thread, most have been wonderful.
But no, there is NOTHING more to the story. I never met this family in my life. They were NOT my family. They were the relatives of my neighbor who made a Simcha.
And yes, they left 4 kids alone for HOURS over Shabbos in my house.
It’s easy to say I should’ve gone over, but my neighbor would’ve been so embarrassed and felt so, so hurt. This wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t have known how they’d behave.

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, May 30 2023, 10:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow. 2-4 weekends a month is a lot!