My kids ignore me 😭

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:53 am

amother Tomato wrote:

Yes this
Many kids blame the mother for putting up with it and not protecting them or herself R”L

I am divorced. I stayed to be there for the kids and then someone told me my kids will learn to treat me like he does. They started insulting me and being mean when they were 2 and 3. I realized they think that's normal since it's ok that he does it. I left shortly after and now they are very loving and respectful. Kids see that it's ok to treat you that way from him so why would they know differently.

In regard to staying, I have adult friends who had abusive fathers and they actually blame the mother more for not sticking up for them and protecting them. If you think staying is better for the kids, you are wrong.

They will grow up thinking it is ok to treat others the way your husband treats you or thinking it is ok to be treated that way by their spouse. If your precious child calls after the wedding and you tell them to leave, they will say I will stay because you did.

amother

Wed, May 31 2023, 11:59 am

amother Pumpkin wrote:

Listen, every situation is different. This thread was not meant to be an in depth discussion and analysis of everything that goes on in my marriage (that would take a book) or deciding whether I should get divorced, which is something better discussed with my therapists and mentors anyway. This is a small part of the picture that I was hoping for some insight and input on. Thank you.

imasinger

Wed, May 31 2023, 12:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

One piece you might take away from this thread:

You started off by asking if your young children's behavior might be connected to the behavior they see from your DH.

Perhaps the response would have been different if that hadn't been your first assumption.

Whether your marriage continues or ends, it will still be important to separate your emotional reaction to the kids from your emotional reaction to DH. When in doubt, assume no connection, and let that be your starting point. You can revise if necessary.

amother

Wed, May 31 2023, 1:05 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

Maybe your DH feels you're too controlling or asking for too much help.
He's might act passive aggressive because he feels fed up with your behaviors or requests from him. Could that be a possibility?

Of course! It's not just a possibility, that's exactly how he feels. He wants me to deal with everything that needs to get done, every crisis, every decision, every problem, while he sits around all day on his phone. Any expectations at all that I have of him to contribute are excessive according to him.

Cheiny

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

How much ignoring is normal? I have severe shalom bayis issues with dh. Lots of history and water under the bridge there. In general, he basically ignores most of what I say. If I make a comment or question to the room in general, he'll completely ignore me. If I speak to him directly, he will usually ignore me or blow me off, and maybe answer me passive aggressively after a few times. Often he'll imply that I have no right to make the question or comment in the first place.

I see my littler ones ignoring me a lot, specifically my 4 and 7 year olds. I often say things like "we don't ignore a mommy" or "we have to answer a mommy right away" but they still do it. It is the most frustrating thing, it feels like the power to parent has been taken away from me. Is it normal for kids to ignore to some degree, or is this coming completely from following their father's example? And how can I deal with it?

This thread would really belong in a safe haven / sub forum for women who choose to stay with abusive or checked out spouses by choice, if such a forum would exist, so please respond accordingly.

Of course it’s because they’ve learned from your husband (not going to call him a dh, sorry but I don’t think he deserves it). But you’re asking the wrong questions. Your first priority must be getting your husband and yourself into marriage counseling and addressing his disrespect and unacceptable behavior towards you. He should be told and shown how his kids have already adopted his terrible behavior and this is how they will likely treat their own spouses, having learned from their parents that this is how one spouse treats the other.

Cheiny

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

So to clarify, we have gone for counseling many times and I myself am in therapy. Our marriage has ups and downs. I'm not going to go into the entire picture here, but the upshot is that it makes sense to stay. I would really appreciate not being judged for not breaking up my family. I wanted to know if the ignoring is to some degree normal, and either way, what I can do about it on my own.

The fact that you are considering that it could be normal, shows the abuse you’re suffering through has affected your clarity.

Cheiny

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:31 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

Strange how there’s always someone who thinks it might be helpful to blame the victim.

Cheiny

Wed, May 31 2023, 7:34 pm

imasinger wrote:

How does one NOT make a connection between the children’s treatment of their mother, and how they’ve seen their father behave towards their mother?

thegiver

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 12:00 am

I have children who ignore me consistently and my husband listens to everything I say even when it's inconvenient for him (exaggerating a little). They obey his every word. It's how Hashem created children with natural fear of the father. Happens to all my friends. Also he sees them less so they are more in tune with the sound of his voice. (My voice they have learned to tune out). Because he follows thru. He is in their face. He doesn't give commands that he doesn't follow thru with. He weighs before he opens his mouth whether it's worth the struggle of telling them something to begin with. He bribes. He waits until he has leverage.

I find saying things with a smile in their face and not begging helped me. Not repeating requests like a broken record. Also singing my requests was super helpful!! A special song for going out the door, another one for putting on seatbelts. Another song for bedtime. Touch with a song is a sureebest foolproof successful method. Make sure it's a tune they like.

amother

Oldlace

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 12:02 am

Bh we have a great marriage. My kids also ignore me at times!
When they're playing outside and don't want to come in for supper...
When I tell them to brush their teeth and they don't feel like it...
When I tell them to shower...
When I tell them to come do HW...
Most kids don't listen right away to their parents, I don't think my kids behave worse than other kids .
It's our jobs to train them to listen even when they don't feel like it! It's called chinuch!
Op, praise them a lot every time they listen to you right away !
You can even give a treat as a reward!
They're young enough for chart. Put a sticker every time they do something on their chart, go to the ice cream store when chart is done!

P.s: if your husband ignores you every time you talk to him I would refrain from talking to him when you're next to your kids so they don't realize! Hard but possible!

amother

Strawberry

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 12:25 am

amother OP wrote:

None of his toxic attitude would be different if we were divorced, and at least this way there is some bit of teamwork, and he can't trash talk me to the kids all the time because most of the time I'm around.

Op, it's abusive to your kids to see their father treating their mother like this. Your children are experiencing trauma. It's quite common in these situations for kids to blame the "normal" parent instead of the more messed up one, because they realise that their crazy parent is just nuts but they think that at least the normal parent could have saved them. (That doesn't mean that the normal-appearing parent wasn't frozen in their own trauma and torn about what to do, but children don't always see that nuance. They see a parent staying with a spouse at the expense of the kids to avoid the discomfort of a divorce.)

I wonder what value it is that he can't "trash talk" you when you're around but he can treat you like actual trash in front of the kids. The reality is that if you were separated and you're the primary caregiver, they'd probably be with you much more than with him. Assuming you're not actually the issue, most of their time could be in a calm, non-abusive environment, without the tension they're experiencing. If you start document his contributions to the kids while you're still together, you may have an even stronger case for this. He might not even want major amounts of custody if he has to have them and care for them by himself.

I know you just want band-aid solutions for how your kids are behaving right now instead of anyone addressing the main issue, but from an outsider's perspective, the band-aid solution is no solution at all. What does your therapist say about this issue with your kids?

thegiver

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 1:00 am

Do you listen to what they have to say and give plenty of validation? Do you have a good relationship with them? Do most of your interactions stay positive (80% rule)? Make a checklist of these things and having special time with them daily. I did that and saw their behavior improve drastically!! Not sure they listen all the time but totally an improvement. They still tune me out here and there. Especially when I'm talking to them from far away. Don't talk to them while they're in the middle of something. Wait for the right moment. Even sit beside them so u can catch the right moment (do we ever do that?!? Just sit and wait! )

amother

Aster

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 2:13 am

Short answer: My kids ignore me too, usually when I'm asking them to do stuff. It's extremely frustrating and I alternate between telling myself I should just stop asking them to do so many things and thinking I'm not giving strong enough consequences when they don't listen. Confused

Long answer: It seems like you probably sense that your kids ignoring you is beyond the norm. You didn't specify if they're ignoring everything or simply commands you're asking them to do (which would be more typical).

If you can't change your family situation, you can at least try to limit any direct commands or questions that require an answer. Basically, don't give them an opportunity to ignore you.
For example, instead of telling your child to go upstairs, just take him by the hand and lead him upstairs with a smile.
As others mentioned, the 80/20 rule is so important--probably even more so in your situation.

And if there's any way you could limit asking your husband questions to avoid giving him the opportunity to ignore you in front of your children, that might help to prevent them from seeing and modeling his dysfunctional behavior.

Hope these posts help....

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 2:13 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like he wouldn't really want custody anyway. He will probably teach the kids to act that way too and have their mom do everything for them because that's her job