Teen doesnt want to hear of taking meds

imasinger

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 6:46 am

For many people, ADHD meds are a huge help. For many others, they are not.

One really shouldn't force a teen about most things, but it's possible to reason with them.

You might want to consult with a psychologist or very experienced parent of teens about how to have some further conversations.

Is there a chance that the evaluation process left her feeling as if you see her as a failure, and in need of quick fix pills to shape her up?

She might be more amenable if she can think more positively about herself, and if she knows more about ADHD meds, and how quickly they leave the system if she does medication trials and decides they're not for her.

She should also consider regular aerobic exercise, meditation, and perhaps a time management class, or parental help learning how to make and use lists daily.

You and she also might want to do some reading -- Google "neurodiversity", and get a better sense of how others with ADHD have acted and reacted.

amother

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 11:54 am

imasinger wrote:

Not at all. I am always positive with her.

amother

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 11:57 am

I just had a blow out with this child. She literally forgot to do sonething I reminded her to do (Im always having to remind her even even I told her 20 minutes before). And then 3 minutes later a different thing she forgot after being reminded. Her I yelled. I shouldnt have if course. I went fir a drive. So frustrating.
And she informed me thst not only meds, but she wont do anything. She can be very stubborn. Im at my wits end.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 12:52 pm

Speaking as an adult with ADD, there are strategies YOU can learn as a parent to help. For example, quit reminding her. Instead, if she's motivated but just has trouble remembering, work with her on strategies like setting a timer. If she's not motivated to do a particular task -- well, that's a separate topic.
Also, please don't bring up medication right after she has had a failure that caused you to blow up at her and she's feeling shame. No wonder she doesn't want to take it.
I think a therapist could help you with strategies for coaching her.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Jun 02 2023, 12:56 pm

There's a bigger picture thing to think about too: Many times, intentional or not, the message is sent that "you need to be fixed" vs. "I want to help you be the best you--just as you are!" It doesn't help that many mechanchim also send that message, intentionally or not. Think about which you honestly believe and are coming from a place of, and if that's what you want, and how that is coming across. The more it comes from a place of helping your child be the best they can be--just as they are--not by becoming someone different--the more it will be possible to help them help themselves in a lasting way.

amother

Sat, Jun 03 2023, 2:36 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

My approach is 100% wanting to help her be the best she can be. I am not trying to fix her.
Neither are her teachers. They are there only to help her do the best she can. Always.

amother

Sat, Jun 03 2023, 2:41 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Its not tasks per say but things like leaving shoes and me reminding to put away and she forgets a d ill remind her again and she forgets. Or she ate something, she gets up, doesnt clean off. She knows she should. I remind her. She isnt right at the table, forgets, have to remind her again. Or to take her stuff out of the bathroom after a shower. She leaves things every time. I remind her to remove stuff. She still forgets.
Small things like that. Tasks we do put reminders.
But I want her to have ways to help herself as she wont always be under my roof with me to remind her. And she will hopefully eventually live with a spouse and I dont want that person to get upset the way I do. Make sense?

LovesHashem

Sat, Jun 03 2023, 3:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

What is that?

It's a parenting approach that is very helpful for neuro divergent kids and teens.

All the things you list are things that affect you and not her. It's more of a matter of habit as well. She has many years she can work on all of it. Take it one at a time.

paperflowers

Sat, Jun 03 2023, 11:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am not in the states. I have no idea what those are.

Basically were there any recommendations besides medication following the educational evaluation? In the states an IEP or 504 is a document stating the child‘s needs and goals and if the child is entitled to things like extra time on tests, taking tests orally or having questions read out loud, smaller class size, set of class notes, directions repeated and explained. And while I don’t believe yeshivas have to abide, it’s still a nice starting point of ways to help the student.

Some things that helped me as a high schooler with ADHD who refused meds were things that helped me visualize time, tutoring, taking electives I liked, and copying friends notes. I did start taking meds again at a later point in my life.

paperflowers

Sat, Jun 03 2023, 11:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

So nagging less helps. And I know it doesn’t seem like nagging to gently remind her, but to us folks who are always getting gently reminded to do everything, it’s majorly irritating and feels like a personal attack.

I need things to be really easy to put away. Having things stored in the place where you use it. Maybe things like having a laundry hamper right in the bathroom. I have a garbage can in every single room. You can collaborate with her on putting systems like these in place. And you can practice not reminding her. She can learn strategies that work for her over time, she doesn’t need to have it all right now. I’m still a very messy person and I’m also happily married.

Dr.Irina

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 1:42 am

amother Clover wrote:

Can you explain how NAET works?
Thanks

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ora_43

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 3:15 am

First off I'd do things in order. Finish the evaluation and see what the doctor says, then worry about whether she's willing to follow the doctor's advice. Just having the idea of medication coming from a neutral third party can sometimes help.

Second (although not unrelated to first) - these things take time. She just found out she might have ADHD, and she already needs to think about meds? It's a lot to handle. Give her a good few months to adjust to the diagnosis first (if she gets one), and to learn about it. It's a process. Try to let go of any pressure you feel to get her to get treatment now now now - yes, earlier treatment is better, but the meds will still be there when she's 20 or 30 or even 50. The main thing for now is to help her feel understood and accepted.

Two things that are good to know:

- there are non-medical interventions she could try

- just because you, or her teachers, haven't said 'you're a failure' doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. You clearly find her behavior unusual/irritating to the point where you're already worried about whether her future husband will put up with her. I'm not saying that as criticism of you. Just saying that just as you're aware that this isn't normal, and is irritating, it's likely that she's very aware of the same and has a bunch of defense mechanisms firmly in place. Give her lots of understanding, and again - time.