S/o helping children lose weight ⛔️ trigger warning

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 10:31 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s only a recipe to ruin your relationship if your relationship is all about food!

No. That's the fallacy.

It ruins the relationship because the core message that this child absorbs is that "Mommy thinks I'm ugly (fat) and it's my fault (controllable)."
And every time that child for the rest of their life picks up a piece of cake or tries on a dress in the store or gets dressed in the morning, they hear a voice in their ear in their mothers voice "you are ugly. You are fat. You have no self-control. It's all your fault".

Alternatively, the parent teaches the child to eat a portion and ignore their hunger. Because Mommy says she didn't need more. Or this is enough.
And then the message absorbed is that Mommy likes me to be hungry. Mommy wants me to be uncomfortable. Mommy doesn't really understand me or what I'm feeling.

If course these core feelings are going to destroy the relationship between parent and child.
Not to mention any positivity the child has towards themselves, their capabilities, their being attuned to themselves.

Reality

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 10:35 am

amother OP wrote:

It’s only a recipe to ruin your relationship if your relationship is all about food!

Since you just admitted you aren't in this situation you clearly have no idea what you are talking about. Quite frankly, time to close your mouth. You are making a fool of yourself with all of your "brilliant" thoughts on the subject.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 10:37 am

amother OP wrote:

Too much cake is not healthy for anyone but it’s worse for the child who is overweight. She needs smaller portions and to be fair maybe everyone at home should also have smaller portions.

And what if that child is hungry?

My overwihht child does not eat more junk, just eats more food. He is starving. Do you think giving him smaller portions and not allowing seconds is going to work long term?

Read the posts above how kids in that situation horded food and filled their appetites whenever they were not near their parents.

Trademark

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 10:55 am

amother OP wrote:

Okay so now I’m being attacked. Asking to close the thread because I’m not going to engage with people attacking me.

What did you expect when starting a thread about a sensitive topic, starting your post with I don't want to offend anyone (Spoiler Alert: usually when that phrase is used it means you're going to offend people) and then admitting that it's not even something that affects your life?

amother

DarkKhaki

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 11:11 am

I'm going to post from a different perspective.
I have a houseful of skinny skinny kids. And it''s not cuz of the way we eat, it's totally genetic.
We talk about health vis a vis food in terms of certain foods being growing foods, and other foods being treat foods that you eat sometimes. I generally serve healthy lean meats (chicken, turkey), with red meat reserved for YT or for an ocasion. lots of veggies and fruit -- when they come home from school there's a platter of cut veg or fruit on the table an they eat a lot of it.
At meals I plate their food and ask them how much they want the first time around, if they want more they ask and I give them but say don't take more than you can finish.
No family style platters at meals, my husband thinks theyre unhygienic anyways, and Ive seen kids go to town on one dish that way. No dessert during the week, but when it's hot they can have a freeze pop when they come in from playing. In the winter, if they have the munchies before bed, there are pretzels or nuts.
We don't do cake or cookies during the week, but there's a counter cake or a cookie platter on shabbos and I don't monitor it.
For school snacks they can take two "cool for school" snacks (chips or a snack bag type thing) and a healthy snack (cut or whole fruit, cut veg).
My older ones do sometimes buy stuff that's not healthy with their own money, and you'd better believe that they get junk in school, but they KNOW how to eat properly. I'm not a control freak about it, so when they're not at home it's their business.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jun 05 2023, 11:23 am

None of my kids are overweight, but they do have specific foods they are sensitive to and I need them to make the choice not to eat it out of their own free will, because I can't control what they do when I'm not there.

What I do is, educate myself about nutrition, what different foods do to the body, what does it take to keep my body healthy. I model eating healthy, and explain very briefly to my kids why I'm doing so. Ex: "I'm not going to take a slice of cheese because I'm not feeling well, so its not healthy for me now."

My kids are young and have some great concepts, when they come home with lots of nosh from school, they will eat one and pack away the rest for another day.

amother

Carnation

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 8:34 am

thegiver wrote:

I was 20 lb overweight and my mother helped me make peace with poor body image by saying I had big bones and kept telling me I was beautiful. When I got into 8th grade I learned about health and started exercising and became really slim and had a healthy relationship with food. It triggers me to see my child experience the same fat problems I had. Thank you for this thread for teaching me how to keep my mouth shut.

As a mother with one dd who is a little bigger is this the way to go? She loves to snack.

amother

Milk

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 8:49 am

Of course it's our duty as mothers to teach our children about nutrition and self control, just as we teach them how to cross the street safely or how to clean their noses.

I teach my children about processed food vs unprocessed, about vitamins, and how highly processed and sugary foods are manufactured in order to trick our bodies into overeating.

amother

Steel

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 8:55 am

lamplighter wrote:

I love this. Information is the not the difference between healthy and unhealthy people.

Exactly this! My super skinny friend is on a really strict diet because she is prediabetic and hypertensive
People think she’s crazy to be dieting because she’s beyond skinny, but she wasn’t HEALTHY. Healthy has nothing to do with size

amother

cornflower

Mon, Jun 19 2023, 8:56 am

amother Milk wrote:

You should also teach them about how thinking of foods as "good" or "bad" foods leads to disordered eating.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 12:14 pm

There is a great comic book called Avigdor's Amazing Adventure that explains how the human body works and metabolizes different foods. Kind of like Magic School Bus but in Jewish.
My 5yo totally understood how whole wheat is better than white, what sugar does to you, etc. Taught me things that I didn't know.

I try to tell my kids how you feel better if you eat healthy foods, ie it gives you more energy and helps you grow better. Junk food is ok for a treat but not too much because then you don't feel good.
Nothing to do with weight.

I have a relative who struggles severely with weight/overeating because as a kid it wasn't dealt with properly. We can't make kids feel guilty about eating, because then it reinforces their identity in their own mind as someone who overeats, and the cycle perpetuates.

Phoebe31

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 1:37 pm

You're assuming that a child who is overweight has a diet different than that of a child who is average sized.

Many overweight kids/adults eat the exact same foods as those thinner than them, the difference is in how their body processes it.

Studies show that controlling your child's eating or putting them on a diet can lead to eating disorders so let me ask you this, would you rather your child have self- hate and a (potentially deadly) ED or be overweight??

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Jun 26 2023, 2:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

.

I hear what you are saying…but I’m trying figure out what damage may come from with saying to not have ice cream or a large chocolate bar every day? Maybe take a bite and save for the next day. It doesn’t mean to never have indulgences but at least to be mindful of the amount of sugar being eaten.

I was that kid. My mom was just like you. Back then I was maybe carrying 10 pounds more than most of my friends. By the time I got married at 24 yrs old I was 175 lbs. I'm now 250 pounds.

Any kind of "helping" that makes a child feel defective is terrible parenting despite the good intentions. Treating those chubby kids differently than their skinny siblings is like killing them inside. Seriously.

Often my mother wouldn't even say things to me directly but kind of narrate what she was doing. "I'm going to skip dessert because Yoni's wedding is coming up and I want to look good." Or, "I'm going to only eat half this sandwich. I'll still be a little hungry, but being hungry is okay. It means I'm losing weight." I knew it was for my benefit. I'm not stupid.

There were times that she focused more on the health aspect than the weight aspect, but again, I'm not stupid. I knew why I was the only kid getting this "helpful" advice.

If your child maintains a positive self image, feels fully accepted and loved by her parents, and doesn't develop a completely messed-up relationship with food, there is always hope that there will come a time as she gets older where she will make a decision to be more health-conscious and lose weight. If you destroy her with your "help" almost certainly she'll be headed in the opposite direction.

Please just don't. You want to make healthier dinners for everyone in the family and cut down on nosh in the house, fine. But never ever single a child out in any way. Never criticize their appearance or their eating habits. Not even with a smile and a hug. It's terrible.