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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Are there house rules for teens?



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:11 pm
Please be gentle with me. My oldest is 13 and I'm trying to figure out this parenting teen thing.

I'm wondering if teens should be expected to follow house rules or I just need to zip it and let her do whatever she wants.

Can I buy something for dessert for shabbos and expect her not to take it from the freezer?

If you take a cordless phone, you put it back on the base. That's been house policy since the beginning of time. Can I insist on it or do I need to just let them all end up in her room with no battery left?

Am I allowed to have a bin in the pantry for school snacks that are only for taking to school? There are plenty of other snacks that are always available for taking.

Just wondering....
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:12 pm
amother OP wrote:
Please be gentle with me. My oldest is 13 and I'm trying to figure out this parenting teen thing.

I'm wondering if teens should be expected to follow house rules or I just need to zip it and let her do whatever she wants.

Can I buy something for dessert for shabbos and expect her not to take it from the freezer?

If you take a cordless phone, you put it back on the base. That's been house policy since the beginning of time. Can I insist on it or do I need to just let them all end up in her room with no battery left?

Am I allowed to have a bin in the pantry for school snacks that are only for taking to school? There are plenty of other snacks that are always available for taking.

Just wondering....


All these are very reasonable & appropriate for all family members to follow, even the adults! No, teens don't get to do as they please.
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tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:24 pm
Absolutely. One of my main rules is that they have a daily job to do after the little kids go to bed. No exception whatsoever. Another rule I have is if they leave the house they must tell me. Even if it's to go play with neighbors.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:25 pm
Yes we have house rules and I expect my teens to follow it.
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amother
Tulip


 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:37 pm
I’m gonna be the odd one out. Maybe because my teens are older. Maybe they are more defiant than yours.

OF COURSE teens SHOULD follow your “house rules” but since teens are…teens they MAY not. They MAY get SUPER annoyed that you are reminding them for the THIRD time to shut the lights or close the shades or clear their plate. They KNOW what they are supposed to do but they are choosing NOT to because…well because they are teens.

My #1 goal with my teens is to keep my relationship with them. I can remind or even ask nicely but I gave up any expectations of anything. Because I would rather have a nice relationship with my child than a constant battle.

Also, how are you enforcing your “rules”. What if your teen does NOT return the cordless phones to the charger, or shut the light, or clear her plate, or keep her showers under 10 minutes, or put away her laundry, or stay on the phone past 11…

Gosh this is even overwhelming for me and I’m the mom!
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:39 pm
I think the difference is that not every noncompliance means a punishment. Ie they don’t put the phone away, you remind them to put it away (annoying yes I know). You mark things very clearly if they aren’t to be eaten just whenever, and if need be, you live with no shabbos fancy cake or super yummy thing cuz they ate it one week —yup this is why we can’t have nice things….or if they babysit/make some money, they need to replace the special food.

I have to put simanim on everything…and also start making sure I have plenty of food they want to eat that I don’t mind them eating…by 16-17 they got better but 11-15 it was the worst with food.

If they make a mess after I go to bed and before they do, they get woken up when I wake up and find it to come clean it up, even if it’s not their wake up time yet. Even if it’s shabbos morning. They learn really quick about whether they’d prefer to stay up another couple min and clean up vs have to wake up early to do so.

Basically they will need reminders, appreciation, and common sense consequences, not time outs.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:48 pm
Of course. Everyone in the house should follow house rules.

If the teen doesn't, find out why. Work out a durable and mutually satisfactory solution. No punishments/yelling/nagging.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 10:56 pm
Of course you need rules!

But how you present them, and how you handle infractions, might need to change for a teenager.

- Look for a course or shiur in parenting teens. Also, check your local library for books. I like "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall", it's old but still relevant.

- Plan on doing lots of talking and discussing whenever you can -- at mealtimes, when you have a captive audience in the car, etc. Have discussions that are not accusations or criticism. "I've noticed that sometimes a dessert I made for Shabbos gets eaten during the week. Would it help if it's marked, "for Shabbos dessert"? If a Shabbos food gets eaten before Shabbos, what's a reasonable solution? What about if all the school snacks get used up because people are eating them at other times than for school?"

- Plan on written reminders, and executive functioning help. Tape to the phone, "Put me on the charger!" Offer to go over menus for tomorrow or the week. Ask if there's enough on the shopping list for a hungry teen. Perhaps she would do better her own snack box to manage for the week.

- Plan on emotional support. A bunch of the infringements you mentioned involve taking extra snacks. Why is she doing that? Be a detective. Is DD growing a lot taller, and needs more? Is she feeling stressed, and eating as a way to comfort herself? Is she bored? Does she have exercise she likes?

- Expect tempests. To a teen, the zit on her face is more likely to be noticed at her cousin's wedding than the smile on the kallah's. Everything is going to seem to her as if it's about her, and it's embarrassing and overwhelming. It's the repeat of the Terrible Two's, but without naptime. Take the tantrums in stride. She's got all these hormones doing little Spanish dances on her insides, life ain't easy. Don't take the explosions personally.

- Plan on consequences that you can enforce, and that work, but don't trot them out until you've tried negotiations and discussions. She refuses to put the phone back when asked? Saying no to a parent may result in a parent saying no to your next request. She's refusing to take the other snacks, and is eating her little sister's food for school? Perhaps she'll have to do a favor for that sister to make it up, or lose other privileges. Cost the family enough, and there won't be money for your camp this summer.

- Most of all, plan on being the parent. That means staying calm, remembering that all should start and end with love, and that your wondering "am I allowed" to continue to have rules may be giving her more power than is healthy. You, as the one in charge, are going to look for ways to help her manage conflict resolution, planning, and being part of a family as a responsible young person. The underlying message may be that you think she's valuable and wonderful -- but also that trust is something everyone in the adult world has to earn.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 11:11 pm
imasinger wrote:


- Look for a course or shiur in parenting teens. Also, check your local library for books. I like "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall", it's old but still relevant.



Haha, my parents had that one too. And don't forget "It's Not Fair! Jeremy Spencer's Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!"
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 11:29 pm
I think you rules are reasonable, if there's clear communication about them and if the other household members follow them.

For example, when you buy a dessert for Shabbos, do you label it as such or do you tell the whole family that it's being saved? Do you or your husband or other children ever eat the designated dessert when you feel like it? Could you offer the option of "OK you can eat it if you replace it with A or B by Thursday night."

Also, if you can be solution-oriented, that helps. If your daughter really likes to eat a certain snack at home regularly, can you buy a family size container for her and others to eat at home, while the individually wrapped ones are reserved for lunches?

Would she agree to not use the other cordless phones if she has her own? They're not very expensive.

Just possible ideas.
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TwinsMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 06 2023, 11:35 pm
My twins are 16. It's a whole lot of choosing battles.

My daughter brushes her teeth every night but refuses to do so in the morning. She very rarely has cavities at the dentist. I can't MAKE her brush her teeth in the morning--- I've tried. Is getting her to brush her teeth in the morning as important to me as her wearing a bra every time she leaves the house? As important as her wearing a shell under a short sleeved t-shirt? no, so after a million reminders she ignored I let that one slide.

They take their laundry upstairs but don't put it away. Is it bothering me if it's in piles in their room? Yeah..... but.... is it in my way or harming me? No...... so I let that one slide. Hooray that they take it upstairs. Smile
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 07 2023, 1:38 am
amother OP wrote:
Please be gentle with me. My oldest is 13 and I'm trying to figure out this parenting teen thing.

I'm wondering if teens should be expected to follow house rules or I just need to zip it and let her do whatever she wants.

Can I buy something for dessert for shabbos and expect her not to take it from the freezer?

If you take a cordless phone, you put it back on the base. That's been house policy since the beginning of time. Can I insist on it or do I need to just let them all end up in her room with no battery left?

Am I allowed to have a bin in the pantry for school snacks that are only for taking to school? There are plenty of other snacks that are always available for taking.

Just wondering....


Yes to all of it
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 07 2023, 3:05 am
amother OP wrote:
Please be gentle with me. My oldest is 13 and I'm trying to figure out this parenting teen thing.

I'm wondering if teens should be expected to follow house rules or I just need to zip it and let her do whatever she wants.

Can I buy something for dessert for shabbos and expect her not to take it from the freezer?

If you take a cordless phone, you put it back on the base. That's been house policy since the beginning of time. Can I insist on it or do I need to just let them all end up in her room with no battery left?

Am I allowed to have a bin in the pantry for school snacks that are only for taking to school? There are plenty of other snacks that are always available for taking.

Just wondering....


All reasonable expectations. Letting her do whatever she wants will backfire.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 07 2023, 4:03 am
Personally I would get myself a phone with a cord and lock away the school snack.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 07 2023, 4:19 am
A friend of mine had a brother that loved to be on the phone all the time. There were no cell phones and calls were waaay more expensive than today.
After plenty of quarrels between brother and father her brother paid the phone bill on a steady basis.
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