If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

amother

Seashell

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 11:40 pm

I was chatting with a super nice lady at a bar mitzvah. And I asked her how many kids she had. She told me that she had one, and she had passed away in a terrorist attack. You cannot imagine how horrible I felt that she was a nice lady and did not make me feel bad at all. But since then, I’ve never asked anybody if they even have kids. I guess I became overly sensitive hurt others. It definitely taught me a lesson not assume that anybody had children. If I know for sure they have kids I might ask but if it’s just a casual conversation somewhere, I do not bring up kids.

amother

RosePink

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 11:49 pm

effess wrote:

It’s a good question because the old Jewish way (in many communities) is not to say and in our western world it’s socially off not to say.

ויהי בני יעקב שנים עשר
To the extent that the words of Hashem show us how Jews should do things, it seems that the Jewish way is in fact to say how many children someone has.

amother

Navy

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 11:59 pm

I know someone who seems to have an obsession with counting. She asked me how many children my daughter "Ahuva" has. I said, "Ahuva has a chevra!"

amother

Canary

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:23 am

amother RosePink wrote:

ויהי בני יעקב שנים עשר
To the extent that the words of Hashem show us how Jews should do things, it seems that the Jewish way is in fact to say how many children someone has.

The passuk is counting in the past, vs counting presently. If this relates to ayin hara or similar reasons, it makes a difference.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:29 am

amother Canary wrote:

The passuk is counting in the past, vs counting presently. If this relates to ayin hara or similar reasons, it makes a difference.

When someone asks how many children you have, you don't count them on the spot, do you? You report the number that already exists. As the pasuk does. There are many such examples throughout Tanach.

Again, we're reading Bamidmar. Hashem doesn't have a problem reporting on the number of Jews. You're focused on the act of counting. But clearly, reporting the counted numbers is perfectly fine.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:30 am

amother Seashell wrote:

Was it Judy Greenbaum's mother?

amother

Ebony

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 4:15 am

Decades ago I sat with some ladies in a Brooklyn mikva waiting room. One lady was discussing her children so I asked how many she had. She completely ignored me so I asked again, thinking she hadn't heard me. Again no answer so I stopped. I was mortified.
She caught me alone in the hallway and told me she ignored me because she doesn't count. I was so upset with her. She could have at least told me THAT.
Don't be that woman.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 4:56 am

It's sometimes very awkward when people ask how many children I have, depending on the way that they ask. For example, I met a certain Rebbetzin at a Bar Mitzvah, and she said to me, oh, you have a houseful of girls, right? (she remembered that I don't have boys. Is 3 girls a houseful? Because her immediate assumption did not include the fact that we have IF.) Similarly, the questions I got when we moved to our neighborhood were sometimes uncomfortable, in a community where large families are the typical.
Personally, I think it's better not to ask.

amother

Firethorn

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:05 am

Yes, three girls is a houseful. Especially when coming from a place of saying you don’t have any boys. It’s a “girl’s household”

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:11 am

I hate the question. Truth is the last time I was asked it went like this. Other person said I’m bh so busy I don’t have time for anything I have eight kids. Then asks me how many I have. I responded 4. Her response I’m sure you’re busy too.

Back story: Even though I’m blessed and appreciate the 4 I have it’s not by choice and it’s very painful to me as I’m aging…

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:24 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Yes, three girls is a houseful. Especially when coming from a place of saying you don’t have any boys. It’s a “girl’s household”

I can assure you she thinks I have like 7 or 8 girls at least, but yeah, my house is definitely a "girl's" household LOL. (DH for sure would agree with that assessment, poor guy Smile

)

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:25 am

I'm not concerned about ayin hara but sometimes at work someone might ask. I don't always feel comfortable sharing because there are already stereotypes with being a frum woman in my field, add to that having more than 2.1 kids and you're viewed as though you just grew a third eye.

I try to deflect or change the topic with a partial answer, like I'll say my oldest is away in college and then start chatting about that. If it's a topic they can relate to like kids going away for college, I find they're thrilled to jump in and start sharing their own experiences.

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:27 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

And the flip side of that was when my non-Jewish coworker said to me, only 3 kids? Don't you religious people usually have large families?
I told her yeah, but G-d plays a role in that, and we have IF....
That got her quiet.

corolla

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:30 am

Chayalle wrote:

I can assure you she thinks I have like 7 or 8 girls at least, but yeah, my house is definitely a "girl's" household LOL. (DH for sure would agree with that assessment, poor guy Smile

)

I was just going to say, your DH would probably call it a houseful without hesitation Smile

amother

Strawberry

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:31 am

amother Maize wrote:

many don't count
we say "a bunch! B"H!" and laugh

Oh come on. Nobody "doesn't count". You know exactly how many kids you have unless you're a philanderer who sows his seed indiscriminately and doesn't know or care how much of it yields fruit. And when you're out on a family trip and want to make sure you haven't left anyone behind, don't tell me, you count feet and divide by two. I ain't buying it. If you recite Ashrei or Hoshia es amecha, you're still counting. Indirectly, but still counting, and when you're done you know full well you want to come up with a number, not a bunch. Just as the census was done via the shekel, but at the end, they reported a number.

Bunches are for bananas.

amother

Impatiens

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

THAT is socially off of her. Have some tact, people!

amother

Strawberry

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:33 am

amother SandyBrown wrote:

Hmm. Most people say to me "FOUR children! G-d bless you!" and I say "Yes, He did."

Chayalle

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:34 am

My mother AH used to tell me of someone she knew that, whenever his wife had a baby and people would ask how many, he would answer "nach eins!" (another one!)