If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

Amalia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 2:08 pm

Chayalle wrote:

And the flip side of that was when my non-Jewish coworker said to me, only 3 kids? Don't you religious people usually have large families?
I told her yeah, but G-d plays a role in that, and we have IF....
That got her quiet.

Chayalle,

This was a genuine hug.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 2:20 pm

dena613 wrote:

I just smile and say the real number of how many children I have, followed with "bli ayin hara."

Same and then I change the subject
For example: “27 kenayna hoorre, it’s busy bh! Do you know when we’re having the next school melave malka? It’s usually around this time of year! I hope they make enough money this year, last year was… “ and then before you know it you’re talking about tuition.

amother

Mayflower

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 2:21 pm

Op it sounds like you have a lot of children and you are afraid of ayin hora.
I don’t like answering this question because it reminds me of my painful reality that my family is so small.
I’m sure my friend who lost a child has a harder time answering this question.

zaq

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:11 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

I have one with me today or two or whatever
Btw it’s not a normal question

Yes it is. It's called "small talk" and is used when people are just getting to know each other. Like Jewish Geography and "what do you?" or, for the college set, "what's your major?" it helps people get a mental picture of you as a whole person and serves as a conversation starter. From how many children we move to how old are they, and what we'll talk about if you say 7,6,5,4,3,2 and six months will be different from what we'll discuss if you say "22, 21, 19, 17, and the twins are 15." (If the latter, it segues into "are any of them married? In shidduchim? Boy or girl? What's she looking for? Is she still in school? Where did she go to seminary? Oh really? What year? My dil went there in the year X, I wonder if they know each other.)

Not that it's the best question to ask. It can be awkward if the person being asked has no children, or recently suffered a loss. Or has this phobia about saying. But "tactless" does not equal "not normal." It's very normal. And most of the time it's not an issue. One simply avoids asking the question for the sake of those who may be pained by it. Just as I avoid saying "IYH by you" at a wedding, because when you're 16 it's amusing and makes you giggle and at 26 it's a knife in your gut.

Last edited by zaq on Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

yachnabobba

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:15 pm

zaq wrote:

I guess I’m more sensitive to this topic. I know very very many ppl for whom this is a searingly painful question. Some suffered losses. Some had late misses. Some are post hysterectomy some have husbands who can’t. And I don’t consider this a normal question. I maintain my opinion. What’s your major is rarely in the same small talk category

singleagain

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 3:18 pm

yachnabobba wrote:

Most of society would still consider this a normal question, although as Zaq said... It may be tactless and insensitive. I do believe society is starting to shy away from any type of small talk, which could potentially be too sensitive for people . But for the most part it's still normal.

amother

Peach

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 4:26 pm

I'm surprised by how many people won't give a straight answer. I get that it's a question to avoid asking for many reasons but I still think if you were asked there is no polite way not to give a straight answer. Some of the yiddish funny responses may go over well but I don't see how you can just say BH in English or some other responses mentioned and it not seem strange.

amother

Poinsettia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 4:59 pm

singleagain wrote:

Interesting. Come to think of it any type of small talk can potentially be loaded.
I met a friend and her cousin having coffee at a coffee shop , I just grabbed a few muffins paid and headed out the door but on my way out I stopped by their table to say hello just out of politeness, and said hey it’s so nice to have family living nearby because she was sitting with her cousin.
My friend smiled a tight smile and her cousin coughed meaningfully and said “ummm (another caugh) she doesn’t feel very lucky right now”
Ouch.

singleagain

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:02 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Interesting. Coke to think of it any type of small talk can potentially be loaded.
I met a friend and her cousin having coffee at a coffee shop , I just grabbed a few muffins paid and headed out the door but on my way out I stopped by their table to say hello just out of politeness, and said hey it’s so nice to have family living nearby because she was sitting with her cousin.
My friend smiled a tight smile and her cousin coughed meaningfully and said “ummm (another caugh) she doesn’t feel very lucky right now”
Ouch.

Def true that most small talk is now considered potential hurtful... I think people are just trying to exert more boundaries on feeling safe and speaking up

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 5:22 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

I'm missing something.
What did she mean by that?

amother

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 6:42 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Not sure how to respond to your post. As you see you don’t know me. The past HS friend ( who was not nice person to me in HS) does not know my life story either. But everyone runs to make assumption. Why do you think your family is small and someone else’s is bigger just because they don’t want to answer such question. Number one the reason I am not comfortable answering numbers of kids is because I don’t want people comparing and claiming I have more than them. Children are blessing and hard work. I work very hard. No cleaning ladies.

in the past I used to freely engage in conversation and allow people to know and they would start comparing family sizes. Then something really bad happened. I lost a newborn baby unexpectedly. She was born perfectly perfect but now is an angel.

Judge for yourself as you love to. Yeh. I know the pain unfortunately.

amother

Anemone

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 6:56 pm

I didn’t read through all the posts, but personally I think it’s more of an ayin hara when you don’t give a straight answer. You make the person asking feel dumb and have negative feelings towards you. If the person is asking to begin with, that means they want to know the answer (most likely small talk); you are not flaunting information.
I grew up FFB out of town and never heard of ppl being careful not to say how many. I still remember the first time I innocently asked a Bubby we were eating at how many grandchildren she has and she said something about not counting. I felt so stupid, as if I was a Baal teshuva who didn’t know a basic, and she thought she was so much better than me. I still remember that feeling until today. I think it’s much better to err on the side of ahavas yisroel and not embarrassing people than worry about answering their question.

zaq

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 6:57 pm

Sensitivity goes both ways. If someone makes an innocent remark, even if it causes you pain for reasons of your own, that doesn't give you to license to spew your own venom. The woman who said "she doesn't feel so lucky now" embarrassed you, made you feel stupid, and should have kept her mouth shut. Your remark was innocent and friendly, The proper thing for either of the women to do would have been to smile and nod, period.

Tact is the grease that makes social wheels run smoothly. Not everyone that's thought needs to be said.

amother

Molasses

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 8:06 pm

Personally (as someone who has been through IF and secondary IF), I don’t like the question because of the dumb questions that tend to come after it, or that awkward silence when a person tries to calculate how many years are between your kids or how long you have been married before you had kids. At the same time, if people knew how to be normal and not probe, I don’t think there is something wrong with asking (especially once you know someone has kids).
I used to hate the question before I had kids, especially when it was followed by how long are you married and a glance at my stomach but I think it’s also more polite to say do you have kids vs how many.
I don’t understand the ayin hara aspect at all, kids are not a secret, and honestly when I see someone with 12 kids I pity them, no where near jealous. Although I wish I could have 4-6 , I would never be able to handle a huge family.

amother

Bottlebrush

Sat, Jun 10 2023, 6:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm sorry op. Most people aren't thinking too deeply and for many people it isn't such a loaded question, and they're just trying to make small talk. I also struggle with answering because it is deeply personal. When most people our age have several more children than us, and we have sif, plus I've had 2 miscarriages, it hurts. But I generally just answer and then move on subject wise.
I think people who live sheltered lives who haven't been struggling with challenges or tragedy, it doesn't occur to them that their questions are going to offend or be hurtful. I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

mommy3b2c

Sat, Jun 10 2023, 10:14 pm

zaq wrote:

I wish I can like this and highlight this and post big signs of this everywhere.

WhereCoffee

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 9:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

And the flip side of that is the many times a frum person has given me The Look when I answer 2 kah.

I learned to add "and we are very grateful to Hashem for the two He has entrusted to us", with a full-on stare added if the questioner was especially invasive.

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 14 2023, 10:33 am

I personally don't find the need to justify, or say anything extra. For anyone who wants to know, I BH am blessed with 3 beautiful, amazing daughters BAH.
I was at a wedding last night - daughter of my childhood best-friend - and met several acquaintances I haven't seen in ages...(which was really nice, actually)...one old friend-of-my-friend I was shmoozing with, whom I don't think I've seen in 20 years - was telling me how she had (I think she said) 5 boys and a girl, and then a space, and 3 more children, so you know how that is (actually, no, I don't) and she went on and on about it, and how she juggles parenting because of the different ages and genders, etc..... So I just listened and didn't add to the conversation (she did not ask me how many I have BH. If she had, I'd just have said 3 BAH).

But sometimes, when it comes along with judgement (like non-Jewish coworker aforementioned), I did say something.