What is normal for a bar mitzvah?

amother

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 7:35 pm

BT here, clueless, so please help me out! embarrassed

When planning a bar mitzvah (in an out of town yeshivishe community), what is involved? How many seudos? Do people send you food? What kind of menu would you have for the bo bayom? Compress

greenfire

Wed, Sep 03 2008, 8:01 pm

okay so what do people of the town do ...

many people have the boy read/layne the parsha on shabbos and have a kiddush in shul for whomever ... then they either stay in shul or go home and make a special family seuda ... for this you can take food from friends if they offer ...

then on the actual hebrew date a "bo bayom" can be made as well which would be for family & friends of the boy ... if you are lucky it will come out diruing the same weekend ... and I see people go small & quaint or big & lavish (depending on their budget)

the main thing is it should be with lots of mazel and nachas ...

Motek

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 1:09 pm

I think it's helpful to remember that back in Europe, if a bachur was away in yeshiva, he marked the occasion by putting on tefillin. By himself.

I haven't read a single description (that I can remember) about people of any type or country making A Bar Mitzva Affair more recently than about fifty years ago. If you keep in mind that this is a very new phenomenon, it puts things in perspective. I've read of shnapps, kichel, sponge cake and herring in shul. No band, no centerpieces, no overnight guests, no rented hall, no multiple events.

Now, since things have changed and you don't want your son to be an utter freak or embarrassed, you will go with the flow to some degree. But PLEASE consider that you don't have to slavishly do what everybody else does and spend what they spend. Rabbonim are constantly asking us to CUT DOWN on spending, INCLUDING simchos.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 1:17 pm

Motek wrote:

I think it's helpful to remember that back in Europe, if a bachur was away in yeshiva, he marked the occasion by putting on tefillin. By himself.

why didn't they do something with the classmates?

grin

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 1:24 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Motek wrote:

I think it's helpful to remember that back in Europe, if a bachur was away in yeshiva, he marked the occasion by putting on tefillin. By himself.

why didn't they do something with the classmates?

first of all, I think you're talking about a period of time where there were no classes to speak of, but even so, usually there was mashke and mezonos served in shul to mark the occasion.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 1:24 pm

Old sources for big bar mitzvas:

Tefilin

In Jerusalem the custom is that from when a child is ten his father teaches him about Tefilin, if he can properly take care of them (.) Others are accustomed to teach a child to wear Tefilin several months before he turns thirteen. On this day the feast would be made like the feast of wedding. (.) Keter Shem Tob adds that if the family is wealthy they make an additional feast when the lad is exactly thirteen. I personally grew up knowing nothing other than this custom: that Tefilin are donned several months before and all of the feasts are done then. This was traditionally called "Yom HaTefilin" - The day of Tefilin, while the actual thirteenth birthday was called "Yom Hashlamat Haminyan" - the day of completing a quorum.

The Great Feast

The great feast which is celebrated for a Bar-Mitzvah perhaps has the most ancient sources. In Bereshit Rabbah the midrash comments on the verse with regards to the party Abraham made for Isaac (Gen. 21-8) The child matured and was weaned. "Rabbi Hoshiah the Great said that he was weaned from the Evil Inclination. The Rabbis said that he was weaned from nursing." In Yalkut Shimony it explicitly states that he was then thirteen years old. (.)

On this Midrash the Torah Shelema (.) says that this is the source for making a feast when a child is Bar-Mitzvah. The Torah Shelema additionally quotes the Zohar Hadash (Gen. 15) "Rabach explained that on the day he (Isaac) was `weaned' he left him to study Torah, for this reason he was happy: in the happiness of Torah." Such is the true happiness of a Bar-Mitzvah that the young man will busy himself with Torah. (.)

As a great institution the Bar-Mitzvah feast started to spread among the Jewish communities some four hundred years ago. A source of this is "Minhagey Vermaisah" of Rabbi Yozfa Shamash, (.) which states: "The father dresses his son in new cloths which are nice. He wears them at the beginning of Shabbat. At Mincha [for Seuda Shlishit] he makes a great feast. The Shamash does not invite the community to this feast, instead an hour before Mincha the young Bar-Mitzvah boy himself invites those who are to participate. He goes to their homes wearing his new clothes and invites them to participate in the third meal with him. They then came feasted and drank and made merry with the young man, his parents and their acquaintances."

Since this time Bar-Mitzvah feasts have become more popular, indeed they have become one of the cornerstones of Jewish life. All Jews celebrate it and the customs of different communities widely vary. Some communities made rules limiting the size of Bar-Mitzvahs to one type of meat while others made great parties similar to wedding receptions. In Ancona they ruled that no body should make any feast, only the friends and relatives should come to say "Mazal Tov". (.)

Isaac Rivkind (.) has a theory of how the custom of having a feast started in Europe. He cites the Maharshal (.) "The Bar-Mitzvah feast which is done by the Ashkenazim, it seems that their is no greater a Mitzvah feast than this..., and they praise the L-ord and thank him that a young man has merited becoming a Bar-Mitzva, (.) and greater is the one who is commanded and performs than one who performs without being commanded. The father merited to enter his son into the covenant of the Torah in its entirety. (.)

Rivkind goes on to say that some attribute the custom to Abraham, citing the above Torah Shlema. Rivkind, himself believes that the real source is feasting for a Bar-Mitzvah is the Zohar Hadash which says "Rabbis Isaac said, from 13 years old it is a Mitzvah upon the righteous to make a feast just like the day a person gets married. From here the concept made its way into halachic works.

The Magen Avraham (.), whose rulings were accepted in Poland and amongst most Ashkenazim , quoted the above Zohar Hadash Additionally, "Kav Hayashar" (.) said with reference to feasts, including Bar-Mitzvahs that it is good that the poor be amongst those invited to the feast. Kav Hayashar further said (.) with reference to Bar-Mitzvahs that it is a great requirement to make a great feast on that day, since it is pleasant to The Holy One Blessed Be He."

http://www.milknhoney.co.il/to......html

Motek

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 4:11 pm

If I remember correctly, the Zohar says the bar mitzva should be celebrated on a grander scale than a wedding.

The sources are interesting but the OP asked what is normal for a bar mitzva. For whatever reason, despite the sources, bar mitzvas were celebrated in a very low key fashion until recently. And even now, when rampant poverty is not necessarily the reason, among the vast majority of yeshivish people (which is what OP referred to) and chasidishe people, a bar mitzva is not on the scale of a wedding. I know a very wealthy woman who made a bar mitzva and even she had only a one-man band, whereas for a wedding, she would have many musicians. And she's not the exception.

mumoo

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 4:20 pm

for my ds's

1. we sent doughnuts to the school on the bo byom, dh davened there that day
2. ds got first aliyah on Shabbos after actual bar mitzvah date; sponsored kiddush for regulars
(my family walked in about 2.5 miles)
3. we invited everyone else for the next Rosh Chodesh that fell on a Sunday (such mazel in both cases; one r'ch was the next day; one was a week later) for davening and then a brunch, where we had a siyum on the masechta that he learned the past year.

Learning to lein r"ch was not so difficult because they basically knew it by heart, hearing it so many times already. Also, making a siyum was a memorable accomplishment. Also, we didn't worry about non-frum guests driving on Shabbos (or hosting them)

bubby

Thu, Sep 04 2008, 4:59 pm

Dear OP,

My advice is...DO NOT go into debt. You can make a beautiful Simcha without a lavish meal, expensive videos & photographers, fresh flowers etc. The one thing that is really essential is something for the class. You could ask your friends & the class Rebbe what to do.

BTW, being a BT or not doesn't make a Simcha great or crummy. What makes a simcha special is the effort the hostess puts into making her guests feel comfortable. The food & party favors Rolling Eyes

aren't the ikkur. I have felt like a member of the family at Bar Mitzvahs where we were served on plastic dishes with plastic cutlery, & I've been at lavish affairs where I felt like a shnorrer...and I was invited!! Yes

Much Nachas from your Bar Mitzvah boy & your entire family.

Ruchel

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 5:06 am

Of course a bar mitzva is rarely as big or expensive as a wedding! I think I only saw one like this, from a non shomer mitzvos family.

bubby

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 8:13 am

You're right, Ruchel, most are just balabatishe & modest, but some are definitely OTT. My neighbors (she has a huge tribe of boys & there are still a few to go) make fabulous affairs. But it doesn't mean much in the end. You go, eat, drop a check, & leave exactly the same. It's not necessary to have gauze bags with beaded ribbons by each plate holding a silver picture frame, or a leather-embossed, personalized with a monogram, Tshura. It's not necessary at weddings either!

As long as I sit with people I know & like & the music isn't too loud I'm happy.

greentiger

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 8:19 am

Every community has different standards (ranging from whole weekends to small DIY backyeard parties) . Why don't you ask your son what his classmates are doing, and maybe you can call up a mother or two who can clue you in on how things work there.

ChossidMom

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 8:44 am

I live in Israel and I'm making a Bar Mitzva IY"H in November.

I am making a "big" party to which I'm inviting all my friends ON THE ACTUAL NIGHT of his Bar Mitzvah. His classmates will be there and the extended family and classmates will have a fleishig seuda in a local hall. Then my friends will hopefully show up for a pareve, hot buffet. I also hope to have a sweet bar for which some of my friends will help me bake. I am taking an electric piano player to make a little sameach so that the boys can dance. In our circles people don't have dancing at Bar Mitzvas (except for the Sfardim, who do). It's important to me so I'm having it.

On Shabbos we will have a small kiddush in my husband's shtiebel. If people prefer they can come to that instead of the party. I may or may not have my sisters, brothers etc. for Shabbos, depending on finances. Cause if I do I have to cater it and it's another 3000 shekels. I'll decide nearer the time. My son may or may not lein the parsha, depending on dh's shul's minhag.

BTW, my husband, whose father was from Poland, never had a bar mitzva. No party. Nothing. Just an aliyah in shul! My brother (who btw is exactly the same age as my husband) had a big bash at the White Shul. What a contrast!

Raisin

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 9:42 am

ChossidMom wrote:

Chossidmom, that sounds really nice! I like the idea of having the seuda and reception at the same time. My parents made for my brothers a seuda for class and family , and a buffet for friends on another night.

ChossidMom

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 9:52 am

My husband doesn't believe in making anything on a night that is not the bar mitzva. Has no meaning. So, a seudas mitzva it will be!

mumoo

Fri, Sep 05 2008, 11:41 am

I agree, chossidmom. so many of the "parties" are just that -with no connection to the occasion. That's why learning for a siyum worked out well for us, because too many of the guests just weren't able to come on Shabbos.