Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
All the kids go off



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 12:29 pm
Of course hashem has plans for everyone, and people make their own decisions in life, but when you see a family that every single one of their kids (or even all but one) has gone off the derech, why do you think that is? What in someone's family can make all the kids go off the derech? I know at least 4 families where every single one of the kids is off the derech completely. And yet another where every single boy is not frum, and the girls are frum. And visa versa. Whats the reason, in your opinion?
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 12:37 pm
Disregarding all the rules posted in the other thread.
ABUSE
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 12:56 pm
There are different reasons. Some of what I've seen:

1. Abuse.

2. The parents treat observance as a cultural thing and don't connect what they do to Hashem. For example, parents might have shabbat meals and keep kosher, but when they go on vacation they're in a hotel swimming in the pool (not necessarily separate swimming) and reading cosmo or trashy novels, not taking advantage of the time to do an educational activity with the kids or study a little. Or keeping shabbat and then letting the older kids watch movies and shows full of violence and s-xual content on motzei shabbat. Basically, splitting life into "jewish stuff" and "normal stuff," with "Jewish stuff" reserved for shabbat and chagim. Things that send the message "we care about Judaism and all, but it's not meant to be taken so seriously."

3. Similarly, finding the prospect that the kids might become "too religious" as frightening (or more) as the prospect that they might not be observant at all. Mocking those who are more religious.

4. Sacrificing the kids on the alter of "observance," eg, living in absolute poverty so that the father can study in kollel (I'm not talking about your average kollel family, I'm talking about people who don't have regular nutritious meals). Or forcing kids to go to a certain school that doesn't work for them (worst example of this I heard (from the friend it happened to): knowing the rebbe is beating your child and he's afraid of school; forcing him to go anyway).

5. Getting overly uptight over minor external forms of observance. For example, going beserk if a boy who keeps shabbat and kashrut and doesn't cause significant problems in school isn't consistent about wearing a kippah.

6. Tough family circumstances. Poverty, death of a parent, siblings with serious mental or physical issues who take lots of the parents' time and energy, divorce, etc, all make it harder for kids to stay positive and therefore positive about observance.

7. Lack of Jewish education.

That pretty much covers the main things I've seen in families where most of the kids are OTD (I mean like six out of eight or five out of six, not just one or two OTD kids). In every case I can think of it was a mix of factors, like 2 3 and 7 together, 1 4 and 5 together, etc.
Back to top

Inspired




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:00 pm
I agree with Ora. It is absolutely not definitely abuse. Any of the options listed is a real possibility.
Back to top

Tamiri




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:01 pm
Are these more modern/Bnai Akiva type families or Chareidi ones? For the modern I have an answer.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 1:09 pm
I know all types. Modern. Chareidi. Half way in between...
Back to top

amother


 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 4:11 pm
My DH has tried to help a couple with many children whose kids are going 'off' one by one.

The parents are just not on the same page. They both want frum kids but the mother has done things that undermine the atmosphere the father tries to create. Then he flies off the handle. He is very tough with the kids. My DH tried to show each of them what they could do to improve the situation but neither was particularly open. Each parent thinks the other one is at fault.
Back to top

mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 02 2008, 8:52 pm
let's add to the list a lack of simcha in doing mitzvos..
I went to a shiur in which the Rav explained why so many children of Yidden who came over to the US in the great migration (turn of the twentieth century) gave up Yiddishkeit. Yes, their parents has mesirus nefesh. Many of them had to find a new job every Monday because they would get fired for keeping Shabbos. But at the Shabos table they would groan "It's hard to be a Jew."

He said if the children had seen their parents observe mitzvos with pure enthusiasm and joy, the children would have felt more inpsired.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Are all kids like this??
by amother
3 Today at 2:18 pm View last post
Some kids don’t thrive in a school setting 11 Today at 2:07 pm View last post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
134 Today at 1:10 pm View last post
Belati Kids
by amother
0 Today at 11:05 am View last post
Saying no to kids for selfish reasons
by amother
47 Today at 7:37 am View last post