A Win-Win approach

Motek

Tue, Dec 27 2005, 10:08 am

When friends, or husband and wife, or neighbors, or colleagues, or boss and employee etc. disagree about something, rather than one having their way and the other giving in (win-lose), it's possible for them to work out a win-win arrangement in which neither compromise.

There are two steps involved:

1) to ask: Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either one of you has proposed?

2) Would you agree to a simple ground rule: No one can make his/her point until they have restated the other person's point to his/her satisfaction?

It's incredible what can come out of a win-win approach. I read an example in which a strong, passionate environmentalist faced off against a passionate businessman who uses natural resources in his business. They never shook hands (even boxers touch gloves) and the environmentalist attacked the businessman even before they got on to the stage, saying he and his ilk mess up our air, water and our kids' future. He responded by asking her what animal she had killed to get her leather shoes. Not an auspicious beginning!

45 minutes later, after going through the two steps, they both were arguing for policies at the corporate and govt. levels that would serve them both well.

This is NOT about compromising! It's about coming up with a BETTER solution.

Similar example on another highly charged topic - a pro-abortion and an anti-abortion face-off. Again, after about 40 minutes, they both began to talk about prevention, adoption, and education. Amazing!

Perhaps if we tried this in our personal lives and among various groups within Klal Yisrael, we'd actually achieve achdus and sholom instead of just moaning about how we lack achdus and sholom!

what do you think?

any examples from your own lives?

ElTam

Wed, Dec 28 2005, 1:18 pm

Motek, I think this is so true. I've mentioned this in other threads, but I will mention it again. There is a great book called "Communication for Couples" that you can get on Amazon.com for less than $5. One of the chapters is titled "Would You Rather Be Right or Would You Rather Be Loved?"

It really makes the point that if you are focused on "winning" arguements in your relationships, that means you are focusing on your partner losing. I'm not talking about matters where there is emes and not emes, but the things so many of us argue about that are matters of opinion.

ElTam

Wed, Dec 28 2005, 5:08 pm

Motek, I know what you mean. I work on this all the time. I grew up in a family where there was only one "right" way to do anything. I really brought that mindset into adulthood, and I used it to do a lot of damage.

I shudder to remember when I was first married. DH did a load of laundry and put it away. I called him in to show him the "right" way to fold towels, because he had done it differently than me. I could slap myself now.

On some things, I just ignore how they are done, or rejoice that someone other than me did them. But I do all the laundry because I want it done a certain way. LOL

Funny story in this vein. The last time my MIL was here, she reorganized all my DD's clothing to the way she thought was "right." I bit my tongue and just redid it all the "right" way after she left.