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Date Etiquette Question



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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:02 pm
Is this tactless? A boy took a girl out on a first date and asked her if she eats "Cholov Stam" and she said "No", is it right for him to take her out to Starbucks where he proceeded to order a coffee and a coke for her? He also ordered a bag of mixed nuts/chocolates that were Cholov Stam as well, and proceeded to munch on it through the date. Is this a good reason to reject a boy ( in her mind he is insensitive, which may be indicative of other problems).
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Atali




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:04 pm
It does seem a bit tactless to me
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EsaEinai




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:10 pm
I definitely think thats a good enough reason to say no. How crazy. Had he never asked and just assumed she ate chalav stam, fine, but why he would do this after specifically bringing it up is beyond me.
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smilingmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:21 pm
Tactless?? Insensitive?? You are being too kind!!!!!! He is a boorish jerk and shows a lack of basic derech eretz. She shouldn't date him again, even if he was the last person left on earth.
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canadamom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:58 pm
This would definitely raise a red flag for me. A friend of mine went out with a boy who took her to a very fancy resteraunt and then told her e/th looks so expensive and asked her to share one plate!! (first date!)
get your bag.... and run.... Bounce
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btMOMtoFFBs




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 3:06 pm
I would call that "not thoughtful" and probably would see it as a red flag that he is not a naturally considerate person.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 4:58 pm
I think it's fine if she's prepared to go hungry for the rest of her life while he munches and slurps treats that he brings home for himself only.
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wanderer




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 5:09 pm
He reminds me of a little kid who asks, "Mommy, do we have milk?"
"Yes".
"Fine, can I have orange juice?"

Why even bother asking?! If he wouldn't have asked, and she would've declined when he offered, it wouldn't be as bad as getting it for himself after she said no.
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rikki1980




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 5:11 pm
How soon after he was informed did he take her to Starbucks? Maybe it was two weeks earlier and he forgot. If I was her I would ask him in no uncertain terms why did you take me to Starbucks after I told you I don't eat Cholov Stam? It's more likely that whatever answer she gets from him will, by far, more clearly determine his character, than by plainly making assumptions.
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OOTBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 6:21 pm
I agree it's weird behavior, but someone who is makpid on cholov yisroel can certainly have some things at Starbucks. Such as black coffee or even coffee with soy milk. And, according to our local rabbinical organization (nationally recognized out of town one) the soy milk served in Starbucks that has an dairy hechsher is in fact pareve (please verify on your own though).
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 6:34 pm
OOTBubby wrote:
I agree it's weird behavior, but someone who is makpid on cholov yisroel can certainly have some things at Starbucks. Such as black coffee or even coffee with soy milk. And, according to our local rabbinical organization (nationally recognized out of town one) the soy milk served in Starbucks that has an dairy hechsher is in fact pareve (please verify on your own though).


not everyone likes coffee black or with soymilk. I'm not a coffee or tea drinker but dh is and often he will debate getting fleishig because he will miss out on his milky coffee or tea.
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OOTBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 6:59 pm
Raisin wrote:
not everyone likes coffee black or with soymilk. I'm not a coffee or tea drinker but dh is and often he will debate getting fleishig because he will miss out on his milky coffee or tea.


100%

I just wanted to point out that one couldn't automatically assume that someone who is makpid on cy cannot have anything at Startbucks.
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 7:19 pm
One can't assume that someone who is makpid CAN have anythign at starbucks. Not all people who are makpid on cy can have coffee at starbucks nor the soy milk. (Not a few rabbonim don't let.) Furthermore, what actual FOOD would someone makpid on CY actually be able to eat there?

Also, I think it would still be rude to get some snacks and munch on them alone in front of your date who can't have any. (virtually all foods in starbucks, if kosher, are non CY dairy.)

Of course, someone pointed out that maybe he only discussed this in passing a couple weeks ago, etc., but it seemed like he knew at the time what the issue was, so he could have tried to "repair" the situation by either a)getting only drinks (which she apparently could partake of) and/or b) if he had to eat something, could he have gone somewhere and gotten something they could potentially have shared? or c) if he was SOOO hungry and couldn't get ANYTHING else, he could have at least said "listen, I must apologize. I'm soo hungry, and this is the only thing around for me to eat. Would you mind/please forgive me for eating it in front of you?"

Is it acceptable for her to either a)mention something to the shadchan to "coach" this guy along or b)at least go on 1 more date to see if his possible insensitivity shines through again?
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 7:24 pm
it's not the point if you can get s/t pareve ... it's the asking and then not even caring if that was an appropriate place to bring her and assuming she would want a coke ... my question to the girl is why didn't she ask not to go ...
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supermama2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 7:28 pm
hehe I'd say hit the road Jackele...but what do I know?
My Dh was very sensitive and considerate before we married and I think he's still the absolute best...SOO if one is not so sensitive before marriage...perhaps one can expect more of the same after marriage...
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 7:52 pm
is this out of town where there is little choice of kosher places to eat and drink? and it's one thing if 2 people who both keep cy go to starbucks and order coffee with soymilk or whatever. Its another to sit there having a nice hot coffee and some chocolate, neither of which your date can eat or drink. Pretty miserable experience, especially if the girl loves coffee.
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Yakira




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 8:16 pm
I once had a guy ask me if I was fleishig, which I was. He seemed stuck and asked if I minded if we went to My Most Favorite. What was I going to say, no? And he proceeded to enjoy a steaming hot, scrumtious looking baked ziti (I can practically still see and smell it) while I munched on some dried vegetables. And believe me, I wasn't the type of girl that ordered a salad at My Most Favortie, even on a date.

Just basic lack of mentchlachkeit or maybe social skills?
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Nomad




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 8:57 pm
lol -oy, whatta dope...NEXT!
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 11:57 pm
Gosh, I "just" remembered that we are supposed to loook for a zechus and not condemn without knowing all the facts.

How about having the shadchan or someone ask him what was in his head and why he did that? I want to know! Please update us with his reply!
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