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One kid vs. more kids - harder?



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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 04 2009, 10:18 am
I have a 6-month ds right now, and I'm in awe of the mothers I see with so many! While I've always wanted to iy'H have a large family, I am shocked by how much time and energy one little guy takes. I spoke with someone a while ago who has a few kids, and she said the first one was the hardest, because you feel like you constantly have to entertain him/her. But that as more kids get added to the family, they are able to entertain each other, and it actually becomes much easier and less stressful. And of course, there's the fact that you know what you're doing with babies a lot more after your first.

In your experience, is this true? Is the second, third, fourth, tenth, easier? If you respond, can you say if you work, if you're a sahm, what your childcare is like, etc.? And how old your kids are? (Obviously, a WAHM with no child care and four kids under four is going to have a different experience than a SAHM with a six-year-old and a two-year-old or than a working mom with all older kids, for example.)

I'm just curious what IY"H lies ahead...
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zigi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 04 2009, 10:32 am
its easier to have more, they entertain each other. it was hard having #2 15 months apart with #1 it was 2 little kids in diapers. when #2 got older #1 had someone to play with. when I had #3 it was raising the 2 kids with a baby. he was good during the day and at night when the other kids were asleep. I was with him. and #4 3 kids who play together and the baby,

I am a sahm I worked when I had 3 now I have 2 kids in preschool and 2 at home. my oldest is 4 1/2. it getts easier when the kids get older. they know how to clean up and they play with the baby. in order for things to run smoothly I'm forced to be organized
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 04 2009, 10:43 am
#1 is a miracle and a new experience + #2 a nice addition + #3 a juggling act + #4 everything starts rolling Twisted Evil and the fun begins ...
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hadasa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 04 2009, 10:46 am
Personally, I found two kids the hardest. When my second was born, I had a toddler who was used to getting a lot of attention, and a newborn with the constant care that entails. When #3 was born, the two oldest were used to playing together and didn't demand the same kind of constant attention.
Since then, most things have gotten easier. As the oldest ones grow up, they become more independent, and even help out a bit.
Even my youngest, 16 months old, is usually running after her siblings, trying to join in their playing. She doesn't need Mommy as much.

Some things do get harder. Laundry is never-ending. Packing for a trip is a major project. Cooking and baking large amounts which disappear within minutes. Getting everyone up in the morning. Preparing everyone's sandwiches.

Having a new baby is always a shock. Many newborns need constant care and attention, on top of regular Mommy-duties. But, as my oldest sister always reminds me: Don't think "How can I add taking care of a new baby to my previous responsibilities." You had a new baby last time, too. What's additional to last time's situation is the oldest child. Isn't that easier to handle?

Nobody will say that having a large family is always easy. But it's not as hard as it seems, and the joys by far outweigh the hardships!! Very Happy
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Clarissa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 04 2009, 11:04 am
I have two, but they're spaced very far apart, so I never had to deal with a toddler not understanding the notion of divided attention. Personally, I would have done well with a large family, but some people love it. I find two difficult enough, but love it. This is the right number for me.
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yentaof8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 05 2009, 1:45 pm
This may sound strange but I always felt the even # child (2nd, 4th, 6th and 8th) found their niche in the family and adjustment wasn't huge but the odd # child threw the balance off and we felt the rippling effects more. Anyone else with this experience?
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Happy Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 12:43 am
H-shem has really showered us with bracha in regards to family size and I love having a largish family, but I wouldn't say it's easier than a small family! (We so far have eight, ages 1 - 15.) It's true that as you have more children, they can entertain each other, but the reality of running a home is that it requires increasing amounts of organization and effort. Children have more needs than just to be played with, and get more complex as they get older. When they're little, it takes time, but when they're older, it takes time and emotional energy. Their physical needs also grow - more to cook, more clothes to wash, more places to transport them.

I think it's a tradeoff - some things get easier, other things get harder, but your ability to manage more variables grows with time, as well. And your experience will be largely determined by your attitude towards parenting and homemaking.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 12:53 am
I keep thinking that people that only have one child should reconsider. Having child number 2, 3...is much easier in this sense. They pick up so much from their siblings, you don't have to actualy teach them a lot of things. It's also cheaper-they get thier toys, baby stuff....
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 1:01 am
I"m a more than full time WAHM (I.e. working over 40 hours a week) and it isn't easy, but when My kids are home (unless they happen to be home during working hours) I am with them...
I try not to cook when they are around, because I get really stressed sometimes with everything I want to spend time with them. So I have to make meals early...if I don't, I pay the price...because my 5 and 2 1/2 year old take the opportunity when I am in the kitchen to fight. When they have enough attention, they fight alot less, but that means I can't be in the kitchen.

I have a five month old who cries alot. I don't know why. It is really hard. I need to figure out why his tummy still hurts. I have him in a carrier alot, but the problem is, he gets so used to being in my arms I've "spoiled" him and if I put him in the playpen when the others are around, they will bug him.

So this is to give you a snapshot of the challenges of having more than one...mainly the challenge, in my mind, is their fighting. I wouldn't care about all the laundry, food baths etc..if they would just quit squabbling. But sibling rivalry is natural (All of our Avos had sons who fought) however, I find they fight less the more attention I give them. They are not really fighting over toys, they are fighting over love...the toys are just symbols. Giving them enough love and attention is a challenge but of course worth it.

I was told to spend at least 15 minutes a day alone with each child. This is ideal. I find it hard to do this when dh isn't around (he has alot of classes at night)...I know things would be even better if I were able to give each child more individual attention, but you really need two parents at home to accomplish this in the most ideal way (please single mothers..don't be upset with me...I said "ideal" I know many fantastic single mothers...and to be frank, given the fact dh works and is school many nights of the week, I sometimes feel like one LOL )

Having said all this, I found the transition from 2to 3 to be MUCH easier than 1 to 2. Or maybe it is because my second child is in general much easier than my first? It isn't physically easier, but the TRANSITION is easier, if you know what I mean.

With more kids, though, it is more difficult to go out, to find time to shower, eat and take care of my basic needs. I used to take it for granted that I could just wrap my baby up and just go to a shiur or shopping whenever I wanted when I had my first. With more kids, one becomes "grounded" and to be honest, I would rather have a nice nap than go out any day!

A friend told me that no matter how many more kids I will have iy'h it will be easier, because my ds, who likes kids, will be 6 or 7 by the time I have my next (not hinting at anything. I'm not pregnant) Then he can be trusted to pick up a baby who is gassy, or rock him. Now he entertains him. But he has sensory issues and touches people too hard, so it is difficult not to feel tense when he is around the baby...but that is a specific issue with this specific kid.

Someone told me in some ways it is easier to have 10 kids than to have 3, because the older ones can help out and entertain the younger ones. You'll have to ask someone with more kids to find out if this is true. Someone told me having kids all under five is the hardest phase (physically) but I hope Moshiach comes before my kids are teenagers! LOL
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Pickle Lady




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 1:06 am
The squabbling also drives me mad. And trying to give them each attention.
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zigi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 1:09 am
well said mimivan! the fighting really gets to me, we have wrestling competions every night when all the kids are home. and the volume level is really loud. I make sure to hug each child, have them on my lap or one on one every day. its only a few minutes but they really like it and during the week they get more time focused on them.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 1:09 am
Pickle Lady wrote:
The squabbling also drives me mad. And trying to give them each attention.


but one cures the other...one week I did manage the 15 minute attention for each kid thing, and their fights almost disappeared! But again, I couldnt' do it alone.
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Happy Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2009, 5:57 pm
Parenting got a lot easier when I learned how to deal effectively with squabbling - it used to stress me out to be the referee, and BH that's not my role anymore (we do have a small bit, but not much at all and it's pretty minimal to deal with). I don't know how people have large families and have ongoing squabbling, because I think my nerves would be shot! I agree that dealing with that is the hardest part, but once you remove arguing as a major factor, parenting a large family is amazingly satisfying, and it becomes a huge source of joy to watch your children interact with one another.

>>Someone told me in some ways it is easier to have 10 kids than to have 3, because the older ones can help out and entertain the younger ones. You'll have to ask someone with more kids to find out if this is true. <<

I assume the person saying this had a big family and was referring specifically to how it physically gets easier in some ways, and was saying it to be encouraging. It's partially true, but to accept that it generally gets easier discounts the needs of the older kids, and assumes that the main work of parenting is taking care of very little children. It's not, and it's misleading for anyone to imply that if you can handle three or four, you can handle ten. That's ridiculous, and I've met too many moms who would have done fine with four and whose families were in crisis with 6 or 8 because they were physically and emotionally overwhelmed.
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