Male coworker speaks like a trash can. how to respond?

prettyone

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 3:14 pm

I work in an office setting and there are mostly men that I work with. Everyone is very decent and polite and there are no problems. There is one guy however who I do not deal with very often who has a mouth that is painful to be around. He curses all day, always makes lewd jokes, and is overall very crass and unrefined. Besides for that he is actually a very very nice person.

My goal is not to change him. I really dont care how he speaks. I just care when it is directed at me. He came through my office the other day and stopped to chat. It was a very typical conversation about his different projects but the entire time he used 4 letter words and after listening to all this for ten minutes I finally slipped and said jokingly "hey,hey language" He wasnt offended and just said he likes his language cause its so colorful. I of course dropped it but it still bothers me to be spoken to like that.

My real issue though is when he saw I was pregnant and said "well we all know how that came about (wink wink)" I was shocked and felt uncomfortable about the way he was talking. I felt that smiling and responding to that comment as though there was nothing wrong with it would be lowering myself. so I simply said politely "what does that have to do with anything, you can just say congradulations instead"

My question is - A) how would you respond B) was I too nice. should I have told him off and said to never speak like that to me again C)was I wrong to have said anything. should I just have let him comment and gone on as though it never happened?

SomebodyElse

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 4:05 pm

I think your responses were great considering you were on the spot. Telling him off would probably not be productive, but directly insisting that he stop would be appropriate.

If that fails, I would talk to your direct manager (or the guy's) *if* you feel comfortable discussing it with him and think he would be responsive. He could have a word with the guy without any official complaints being filed and without singling you out as the complainer. Or the boss could just happen to issue a policy on appropriate workplace speech/behavior.

If none of that works, I would take Atali's advice and complain to HR.

amother

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 4:16 pm

prettyone wrote:

I think I will just ignore it as neither one of us have direct manager just the boss and he likes this guy. I guess I just feel so violated. Its such a crass attack on my private life. and it makes me feel so dirty.

I guess I have something new to think of when I say "shelo asani [gentile]"

if it keeps happening and you are quiet, you give credence to what he's saying/doing and it could chas v'shalom escalate, or make it worse for someone else.

please say something even though it's hard.

Atali

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 4:18 pm

prettyone wrote:

I think that you really have to say something because it will just get worse otherwise. If you have an HR team you could go directly to them, otherwise you need to speak to your boss.

SomebodyElse

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 9:06 pm

prettyone wrote:

It sounds like you probably don't have an HR department and don't want to make a big stink. But you should probably make note of the incidents (what happened and when) in case chas v'shalom it gets worse and you decide to take legal action.

Regardless, I think you should at least keep speaking up as you have been.

You could also ask any coworkers that you're close with whether it bothers them at all. Then, when an opportunity arises, casually mention to the boss "wow, Dave sure uses some colorful language? Have you noticed that it sometimes makes people uncomfortable?" See how he responds and take it from there.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 9:13 pm

I would discretely discuss this with management and see how they can help if you don't think there's anything else you can say to him directly to sufficiently deal with teh situation.

I think running to HR before discussing with management and letting them discretely talk to him can lead to resentment on the part of the person involved and management who won't appreciate having not had the chance to deal with teh situation themselves first. (bc HR will ask if you've involved management)

Also, once it's in HRs hands, often it can't be handled as discretely and will be a matter of formal record, which may still be necessary, but giving management a chance to handle things leaves the chance that resolution can be arrived at without the potential resentment, stress, and publicity going to HR can bring.

leomom

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 9:17 pm

I don't think it's right to go to a supervisor or HR, etc., if you haven't spoken directly to this guy first to see if you can put a stop to it. Why not just simply say, "Bob, I know most people wouldn't be bothered, but I don't like to listen to crude language. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't speak like that when you're in my work area. Also, I don't find comments about my personal life to be appropriate, so I'd like to stick to business in our conversations."

He might not change overnight, but he might try, and I think he will respect you for your standards and for being straightforward.

Then if the problems persist, you can go to the next level and report it, etc. At least he will have had a chance to fix it himself and save face.

Blue jay

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 9:45 pm

Whoah! IF you can avoid this guy and dont have to talk to him why bother?

Dont let your guard down with this guy! If he makes anymore snide comments tell him your husband will come down and "Deck him a good one.." (Kidding ofcourse but then again...)

Dont try to reform him, tell him your feeling etc, this is not your place just go to work do what your paid for.

If you feel harassed then tell your employer other than that avoid him like the plague!.

Hodu Lashem

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 9:49 pm

yy wrote:

I agree! Very good advice.

Ahava613

Wed, Dec 09 2009, 10:01 pm

I think you should be very straight forward. tell him that you are a religious woman and you feel very uncomfortable with this type of language, cursing and 4 letter words and innuendos. if he really is a nice person as you say he is then he should stop. If he has trouble remembering, you can remind him by covering your ears or holding up your hands when he spews his "colorful" speech. If all else fails, tell your boss that you will not deal with this guy. Assign him to someone else. good luck!

amother

Thu, Dec 10 2009, 7:03 am

prettyone wrote:

always makes lewd jokes,

if you live in the US (IDK how these things work abroad), if you warn him or ask him to stop, just by saying something like "dont make those kinds of jokes when Im around," and he continues, that is grounds right there - that alone- for a s8xual harassment suit.

prettyone wrote:

I just care when it is directed at me.

and you should!
you need to speak to your supervisor or someone in the human resources office. what you are describing is horrible!

prettyone wrote:

He came through my office the other day and stopped to chat. It was a very typical conversation about his different projects but the entire time he used 4 letter words and after listening to all this for ten minutes I finally slipped and said jokingly "hey,hey language" He wasnt offended and just said he likes his language cause its so colorful. I of course dropped it but it still bothers me to be spoken to like that.

what I said above (about warning him) applies here. you warned him, it continued. you have to document all of this! seriously - for something this "miniscule" (in his mind), he can actually lose his job. but not if you keep quiet.

prettyone wrote:

My real issue though is when he saw I was pregnant and said "well we all know how that came about (wink wink)"

IDK if there is a smiley icon for "mouth dropped open," but O M G !!! You NEED to speak to someone, this is really grounds for his dismissal!!
I understand you said "you dont want to change him," and he is otherwise nice. so I am assuming you dont WANT him to lose his job. but them telling him, if it happens again, you WILL lose your job, will hopefully get him to act more like a professional around the office!

prettyone wrote:

I was shocked and felt uncomfortable about the way he was talking. I felt that smiling and responding to that comment as though there was nothing wrong with it would be lowering myself. so I simply said politely "what does that have to do with anything, you can just say congradulations instead"

My question is - A) how would you respond B) was I too nice.

a) I wouldn't have! dont give him fuel!
b) absolutely you were.
c) not necessarily in this case, ignoring it wouldnt have made a difference.

You need to go to human resources and tell them what is going on. this is serious business!!

Ruchel

Thu, Dec 10 2009, 7:23 am

I'm used to many people saying bad words. In my circles even some of the very frum do, although they don't do s-xual innuendo.

I wouldn't do anything. Certainly not harassment, people would laugh!

What could work is invocate religious rights. "I'm sorry to annoy you, but you know in my religion we are not allowed/we are very shocked to hear xyz. Please could you try to pay attention when I am around? thanks so much. I'm asking you because I know you're a nice person".

ora_43

Thu, Dec 10 2009, 7:25 am

I agree with yy.

If it makes you uncomfortable, so tell him. Saying "hey, language" once, or "what does that have to do with it," etc, doesn't really convey a sense of upset - he could easily think you're just joking around, or you take everything as lightly as he does.

I would definitely NOT go to HR before talking about it with this guy CLEARLY. Not jokingly, and not by trying to tactfully change the subject, but directly saying "it makes me uncomfortable when you say X and I would like you to stop." If that doesn't work, try again. If that doesn't work, go to your boss. Only if he refuses to stop and your boss refuses to stop him should you consider going to HR.

I also would definitely not file a s-xual harassment complaint. That's for women who are being seriously and deliberately mistreated, and not for any time a male coworker says something crass. If he constantly targets you for crass remarks, or makes frequent s-xual remarks about you, or implies that he wants some kind of physical relationship with you, and refuses to stop, that would be a different story, but since you say he's just a nice guy with a dirty mouth - IMO don't even consider a s-xual harassment accusation.