HELP! 8 year old caught stealing.

amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 3:06 pm

Anyone with suggestions on how to deal with an 8 year that steals. It could be little things like a water bottle or something bigger like a friend's toy or even money he founds laying around in the house. My dh and I have tried talking with him when the occasion arrised but it seems to be happening again. Any suggestions out there? also why do kids feel the need to steal? We try to give him as much as possible, buy him the games and toys his friends are playing with, but obviously it has nothing to do with that!
Help , PLEASE!!!

amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 3:21 pm

I used to steal when I was a kid. I had a heart to heart talk with my mother. and she pretty much made me come to the conclusion on my own. All she did was say, what do you think we should do about it? Then w\ her encouraging me, (it's good you came to mommy w\ this problem, it shows you want to become better...) I worked on it (this was in 4th grade) I remember finding a bright fresh new pack of markers on the floor. I knew who it belonged to, but after my talk w\ my mother I decided to give it back (I REALLY wanted it!) I came home and ran to tell my mother. she was soo proud of me and told me Hashem tested me and I passed! She might have bought me something as a treat I dont remember.... That wasnt the end of that... but I def got better, and when I stole later I knew I was wrong but B"H got over it on my own. But I believe it was the talk w\ my mother that kept me on the right track.
As a child our eyes are bigger than anything. We always want what we cannot have. I don't think buying extra things will help...bottom line is if they see something they like, they want it. As long as he knows youre backing him up he will eventually stop B"H. Just dont yell at him, or make him feel low. that will have the opposite affect! Good luck!

amother

Wed, Dec 23 2009, 4:46 pm

My DD went through a stealing phase last year. It started with taking some money from her father's desk for tzedaka. She took a little. We gave her a lecture, told her she could have an allowance, talked to her about why it was important not to steal. She nodded, but apparently nothing changed. Then, she took a lot. Then, she took some classroom prizes, and the teacher caught her. We talked to her. The morah talked to her. She had to return the things, and write why stealing was wrong. The next night was parent-teacher conferences, and when we looked in her desk, we saw about $50 in there that she had taken from her father's desk. Then, she took some things from a store. I didn't know until I caught her taking chanukah gelt from a drugstore, and found the older items in her pocket. We went back to the pharmacy, and when she returned the candy, the kind clerk told her she should keep it (!!!) I of course said we will NOT keep it, and didn't know how I was going to help her understand how serious it all was.

By then, after about 4 weeks of lectures, restrictions, attempts to understand, we were beside ourselves. A friend of mine suggested a strategy that helped.

First, we went back to the other store. I made her write an apology night, and I wrote an accompanying note asking the store manager to please take this seriously and help her to learn her lesson. They played along beautifully, talked to her sternly. She returned the merchandise (a scarf and pin), and we talked about how the store couldn't sell it for as much money, as it was past the holiday season. She paid for half out of her allowance money, plus what I advanced her. That helped some.

Then, when we went home, we started Phase Two. We called it "boot camp." Every single thing except enough clothes for the week and her bedding was taken away from her. She had to earn it back slowly by doing the right things, and by doing some learning every day about the wrongs of stealing. By the end of 2 weeks, she had completed a lovely poster of the aseret hadibrot, and had earned most of her stuff back. She said the experience really helped her to see what it was like to be without stuff, and to realize how wrong it was to take other people's things.

That was a year ago, and I've never seen or heard of her take anything that wasn't hers since.

Maybe that's a little rough for some people, but it was what we needed, and it worked.

Hatzlacha!